The Education of Sirius Black
by PotatoMuffins
Summary: Sirius gets a calendar and Remus uses it to teach him third grade level words with varying success. Please review. It makes us feel so LOVED!
1. Prologue

**Prologue **

**Disclaimer:** We obviously do not own Harry Potter or we would not be two people. J. K. Rowling is, last time I checked, one person. For the feeble of mind, this means that we are not J. K. Rowling.

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"Prongsieeeeeee! Look what I gots! It's- it's- wait. What is it?" James rolled his eyes at his "gifted" friend. 

"Lemme see, Padfoot." He took the object in his hands and flipped through the pages. "This looks like a Muggle, um, cow lender." Remus snatched it from him and rolled his eyes in turn.

"Not cow lender, James. _Calendar_. Muggles use it to keep track of the days of the year."

"Pshhhhh. That's just stupid. Why would they need to do that?" Remus rolled his eyes yet again.

"To be organized, Sirius, something you are completely incapable of doing." Padfoot stuck his tongue out at Remus quite maturely.

"Anyway... Moony, how does it work?" asked Sirius curiously. James grabbed the calendar back from Remus.

"Every page is a month, every row is a week, and every box is a day."

"But what are the little numbers for?"

"They represent each day, so the Muggles don't lose track of them."

"Ha! Stupid Muggles."

"I have one so I can draw little pictures to cross off the days."

"Wow, James. That's pitiful."

"Thanks, Moony!" Sirius rolled his eyes now, copying the new trend among the boys.

"Prongsie! Even I know that pitiful is an insult."

"Only because people kept calling you that and you finally asked me what it meant."

"Shut up Moony. Can't I act smart for once?"

"No, never Padfoot. That's Moony's job." Remus retrieved the calendar from James saying, "Padfoot, why don't you learn a new word each week?"

"What's a week?"

"Everyone knows what a week is, Sirius. Stop playing stupid."

"I'm not playing! Oooh! How about all the words I learn this year are all about bugs?"

"I hope you mean month. You know, each page?"

"Oh, right, right. So….. What's a week again?"

"Ugh, Padfoot it's every row! I just told you a minute ago!"

"Calm down, Prongsie! Ooh, ooh, I know! How about this week's word is the thingy on the front!"

"That's a butterfly, Sirius."

"What's a butterfly?"

"A butterfly, Sirius, is…" James pulled a dictionary off of his bookshelf."

"Why do you have a bookshelf??" Remus demanded. "You never read anything!"

"Mummy put it there and I can't move it! I think she put a Permanent Sticking Charm on the back of it. Anyway, a butterfly is: any of numerous diurnal insects of the order Lepidoptera, characterized by clubbed antennae, a slender body, and large, broad, often conspicuously marked wings."

"… Ummm, what?"

"That's what it says in here."

"So, now you have to use it for the rest of the week. James, make sure he does. Owl me at the end of the week and I'll give you another insect. But remember I'll be in Paris for the rest of July, so don't send anything to my house."

"Yes, Moony." The boys stood and went downstairs to make their specialty snack: s'mores with an extra paste of melted chocolate chips and vanilla frosting in the center. Except Remus. He ate celery sticks.

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Do you wonderful people who just read it like it? We're halfway done with chapter one, in which multiple things happen that may be of interest. Please review and we'll send you virtual desserts of your choice. : ) 


	2. Bugs

Disclaimer: Anything that you don't recognize is ours. That goes for prologue the first as well.

**Butterfly**: _any of numerous diurnal insects of the order Lepidoptera, characterized by clubbed antennae, a slender body, and large, broad, often conspicuously marked wings_

So begins Sirius's third grade-level education.

James and Sirius lay in the grass, looking at the clouds.

"Hey! That one looks like a lion."

"Yeah, and that one looks like a bunny." Sirius rolled his eyes at his friend.

"A bunny? Honestly Prongs. A bunny. You could have at least said rabbit."

"I'm trying to get into the habit of being a more sensitive man to surprise my Lily-flower." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Somehow, I think you would have said bunny even if you didn't like that evil redhead."

"She is not evil."

"Whatever. It _also_ wouldn't surprise me if she wanted a tough guy. A guy that doesn't say things like bunny."

"Oh, shut up! I doubt she would want a blockhead jock, either."

"And that's all the more reason why she wouldn't want you." Before James could come up with a sufficient comeback, Sirius had risen, chasing after something floating in the air. James stood as well, wondering what exactly Sirius was doing.

"What are you doing, Padfoot?"

"It's my word of the year- I mean month- I mean whimpy!"

"No, you mean week. And do you even remember what your word is?"

"Yeah, it's flying butter- wait- flutterby- no! It's a butterfly!" James snorted.

"And you laugh at me for saying bunny?"

"Hey! My word of the whimpy is for a purely educational reason!"

"First of all: it's week, not whimpy. Second: I knew what a butterfly was since I was two, so I guess you're saying you know less than a two-year-old."

"Prongs! How dare you insult me?" Sirius lunged and James, scratching and pummeling his friend.

"Padfoot! Get off, you loony!"

"Fine, ruin my fun, then." The boy stuck their tongues out at each other, just like any mature person would do.

For the next two days, virtually the same thing happened until Thursday, when Sirius actually tried to use his word more than once.

"So, Padfoot what's your word again?"

"My word is… Oh! Right! It's butterfly!" James laughed.

"You actually got it right today! And without a single stupid guess like flutterby. Astounding."

"Shut up. Hey! We never crossed off the days with crazy pictures!"

"Oh, you're right. Where's the cow lender?"

"It's calendar, you dope. And it's right here." Sirius pulled the calendar from under his bed.

"So, we got the word on Soondey. How should we cross that off?"

"It's Sunday, Padfoot. Why don't we draw a butterfly?"

"Great idea, Prongsie!" He quickly drew a butterfly, showing James the finished product.

"Wow, Padfoot. It amazes me how you're mind constantly goes back to the subject of girls. That looks like a bra."

"No it doesn't! It's a butterfly! See the wings? And the body?"

"What should we put for Monday?"

"Let's put the word. Wait- how do you spell butterfly?" James sighed.

"That is pitiful, Padfoot. B-U-T-T-E-R-F-L-Y."

"Hey! The first four letters spell butt! Ha! Butt."

"Get your mind out of the gutter."

"But I like the gutter."

"Do I need to go over there and whack you over the head?"

"Okay, geez! So what about Wedenesdaey?"

"Wednesday, Padfoot. I know: Why don't we put the definition across Wednesday and Thursday?"

"Okay, but what's the definition?" James sighed, rising from his bed and crossing the room to his bookshelf, reading the definition to Sirius. So with only two days left of Sirius randomly shouting out butterfly, the boys set off to the backyard, trying to find something to do.

On Friday, the boys had absolutely nothing to do, so they read about hexes. Just kidding, they hexed each other. No, no. I'm still kidding. They couldn't use magic outside of school, so they just sat around in their room, throwing stuff at each other.

"Prongs, you throw like a girl, honestly."

"So what? I can still fly better than you."

"No you can't. You're not nearly as graceful as moi."

"At least I don't fall off like you."

"That was one time. And I had a cold. The rest of the time, I fly as well as any butterfly."

"Yeah, a crippled one."

"Wait! I just used my word didn't I?"

"Yes, Padfoot, you did. It's so amazing."

"But I used it in our confrontation."

"You mean conversation."

"Yeah, yeah, that one. Whatever." Just then, they realized they were actually having a somewhat educated discussion, so they stopped. The rest of their afternoon was spent with each throwing things at and insulting the other.

The next day went a little differently, because they had to pull words out of their heads, actually thinking about them before they said them and compose them into a letter to send to Remus. They spent half an hour trying to find parchment. They found some in the library, but couldn't use it because it was in the form of books. So they trekked back upstairs and by a great stroke of luck, Sirius found a piece wadded up over by James' bed. Sure, it was stained and wrinkled and had a list of vulgar words on it (another attempt at something to do, but with the short attention spans, it didn't exactly help), but they used it anyway. So here is their completely mature letter to Remus.

_Dear Reemy-poo,_

_Well, we made it through a whole entire whimpy without you. Oh, and I used the word of the whimpy every dae. I feel so smart. I actually used it in contest yesterday. Isn't that amazing? I know it is. Anyway, we need a new word. Remember it has to do with bugs. And don't worry about the definition; we can use Prongs' dicshonairy. Here's Prongsie, he can attext to me using the word every dae, so listen to what he says._

_ your favrit frend,_

_Sirius_

_Hey Moony, _

_Sorry about Padfoot's craziness. I'm assuming you can make sense of what he wrote and misspelled, so I'll leave that to you. Yes, he did use the word every day. And in context yesterday. So please send a new word, we will be waiting for it, since we are sooooo bored. Anyway, bye._

_-James_

Remus wrote back that same day, his letter on a nice, new piece of parchment. He made sure to correct the boys' letter and return it to them.

_Dear James and Sirius,_

_Here is your letter and the correct spelling. The new word of the week is beetle. I trust you to look up the definition and use the word. I will entrust James with the task of ensuring that Sirius actually uses the word, preferably in context. See you in a few weeks._

_-Remus_

**Beetle**: _any of numerous insects of the order Coleoptera, characterized by hard, horny forewings that cover and protect the membranous flight wings_

"Haha, the dictionary says horny!" Sirius sat cracking up, pointing at a word in the dictionary.

"_What_ does it say, Padfoot?" James asked.

"Horny. Right under the word beetle. Hey, I used my word!" James leaned over to look at the place where Sirius was pointing. "Yes, Padfoot, it does. You are also pointing at the word bee. Not beetle."

"Oh. Can you tell Moony to make next week's word horny?"

"No! No sex-related words for your education, Padfoot."

"What's an education?"

"It means that you're _supposed_ to be learning new words that most people already know when they're four years old."

"Yeah, well, my crazy pureblood _mother_ probably didn't think I needed to know what different bugs are called."

"Aha. Anyway, there's a picture of a beetle next to the definition of it in the dictionary." Sirius looked at it closely.

"Hey, I know what that is! It's one of those little things that are, um, things!" James blinked a few times, trying to figure out the logic behind this definition. He failed.

"Right, Padfoot. I'm going to trust you on that one."

"Yay! Prongsie-poo trusts me! Thank you Prongsie! I won't let you down!"

"James! Sirius! I need you to catch a beetle that's trying to take over the basement!" James's "mummy" shouted up the stairs. They raced down to her with Sirius screaming, "BEETLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Geez, Padfoot, calm down, will you?" James muttered. Mrs. Potter blinked. "James, is something wrong with Sirius?" she asked calmly as Sirius went flying as he tripped over the bottom step of the stairs and smashed his face into the carpet. "Prongsie! My face hurts!"

"It hurts me too, Padfoot." Sirius took a second from his excruciatingly painful face examination to give James a scornful glance. "That's a first-year joke, Prongs dear. Please tell me you didn't mean it."

"Whatever you say, Padfoot."

"Come with me, Sirius. I'll see what I can do about your face," James' mummy offered.

"NO! I have to go get the beetle!" Sirius sprang up from the floor and headed for the basement at a reckless speed.

"Go take care of him, will you James? Thanks.' She vanished into the living room to do whatever it was that mummies did over the summer when their son and his abnormal best friend were around. This was, since James and Sirius were involved, probably attempting suicide.

Five days later, James woke up to a high-pitched scream. He fell out of bed and shoved his glasses on. 'What the hell is going on, Padfoot?'

"Barney DIED!"

"What? Who? Oh, Barney." Sirius had decided, after much deliberation, to name the beetle Barney. James still wasn't sure why.

"Don't be so calm, Prongs! BARNEY IS _DEAD_! Dead, dead, DEAD!"

"How about we go hold a funeral and then go write to Moony. That sound good to you?" Sirius sniffed.

"Can we burn him and keep the ashes?"

"…Sure. Why not. I'll go see if I have any clay pots. Why don't you put on a suit or something?"

"Yes Prongsie." James left the room to find an urn to put Barney's ashes in while Sirius looked for something to wear. Five minutes later, Sirius came downstairs with the jar that they'd kept the beetle in. "Prongs, can you see if he's actually dead?" James turned around and blinked a few times at Sirius. "Padfoot, what are you wearing?"

"Dunno. It was in your closet." Somehow, Sirius had found a tuxedo with a bow tie, but how he'd managed it was debatable. "Right." James inspected the jar for a few seconds and then realized that it had no air holes.

"Yeah, he's dead." He went back to looking for a clay pot while Sirius sniffled behind him. "Okay, I found one." He was about to head outside when Sirius stopped him. "No, Prongsie, you have to wear black. Go put some on." James blinked a few times before shrugging and going upstairs to put on dress robes.

"Sirius, how were you planning on burning Barney?"

"I wanted to bury the jar he was kept in and then go burn him in the fireplace."

"I see. I suppose we should continue then?"

"Can I say the speech? And can we bury him in the graveyard down the street?"

"That's a Muggle graveyard. We can safely say that Barney was not a normal beetle." _After all, he survived in an airless jar for five days._

"Okay. I'll start." Sirius stood in front of the little hole that James had dug and blew his nose a few times before starting the speech. "Barney was a noble beetle, one of the best. He attempted world domination, starting in our basement, but otherwise he was a great creature. James and I cared for him like a baby and loved him like he was our child, not just one of many boring insects of the world. I'm sure Barney-," he blew his nose again. "-will move on to Buggy Heaven, where they eat rotten food every day and stay in the nicest jars heavenly money can buy." Overcome by emotion, he gestured for James to finish the ceremony by burying the jar. As the last pile of dirt fell, Sirius started sobbing onto the ground. James decided that the wisest thing to do would be to ignore him and finish making the wooden cross that marked the grave. After waiting a few minutes for Sirius to stop, he finally hit him over the head with a conveniently-placed wooden board and dragged him into the house to burn Barney and write to Remus.

Remus soon received an extremely tear-stained letter from Sirius.

_Dear Moony,_

_U no the leter I sent to u a kupl daes ago? Abowt Barney? Barney dyd last nite and me and Prongs bureed him this morning. I mis Barney and I want a nu word so I don hav to think about Barney to much. Pleez repli fastlee. And see if u can cum home frum paris erlee._

_Yore mornful frend,_

_Padfoot_

James sent a letter explaining what Sirius was talking about.

_Hey Moony,_

_Padfoot's depressed because his pet beetle died last night. Don't tell him, but I just realized when I gave the death diagnosis this morning that there were no holes in the jar. Oops. Padfoot managed to use his word every day in context. Rather surprising actually. Please send a new word really soon or else Padfoot's going to try to kill himself. This would make me feel guilty. I'm having trouble keeping him away from knives. This is hard. So reply quickly before I let him kill himself._

_Prongs_

Remus wrote back quickly; he probably didn't want Sirius' death on his conscience either.

_Dear James and Sirius,_

_Sorry about Barney's death. I'm sure it was a terrible occasion and that he would have been a wonderful addition to the Marauders. Since Sirius sent me a letter earlier asking for the word horny, I thought that since Sirius is so upset, I might as well consent-partially- to his request. Your new word of the week is hornet. See you in two weeks._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

**Hornet:** _Any of various large stinging wasps of the family Vespidae, chiefly of the genera Vespa and Vespula, that characteristically build large papery nests._

_A new word at last! Now I don't have to worry about Padfoot killing himself… for now at least._ James was so happy that he could almost ignore Sirius' sudden exclamation. "Whoo! My new word sounds like horny! Prongs, guess what it is, guess, guess, guess! It's hornet! Ahahahahaha! Horny! Hahahahahahaha!"

"Yes, Padfoot, your new word of the week is hornet."

"You mean word of the whimpy. Oh and I just used it a minute ago, didn't I?"

"No I mean week, that's the correct term. And you've said it at least forty times since I let you read Remus' letter. Not including all the times you screamed it yesterday."

"Oh, you're no fun."

"I'm just glad I don't have to worry about you being near anything sharp for a few days. Mind you, it'll be torture trying to catch a hornet."

"Why would it be hard?"

"Because hornets are like bees, only they don't die after they sting you."

"But all animals admire my looks and respect my intelleyjance."

"You mean to say intelligence. Besides, how can they respect someone who knows less than an eight-year-old?"

"I know more than the average eight-year-old. _I_ can do magic."

"Whatever. Let's go downstairs so I can see you get mauled by a hornet while I stand safely laughing behind the screen."

"That's a great idea, Prongsie! Mauling is so fun!" James shook his head at his friend's stupidity. The boys went downstairs, Sirius ready to catch a hornet, and James ready to laugh when he got attacked.

"Oh, Prongs. I hurt so much. And I itch, too. All over. It's disgusting." James sighed, saying, "That's what you get for trying to catch hornets." Unfortunately, there was a picture of a hornet, as well as a beetle in the dictionary, so Sirius knew what to look for. James' mummy knocked on the door and opened it. She took one look at Sirius' blotchy, red face and immediately started fussing over him.

"Oh, you poor baby! What happened?"

"Sirius' word of the week is hornet, so he tried to catch one. I told him he'd get stung, but he was convinced they would love him for his 'looks' and 'intelligence'. So he went out with a jar and started chasing around the first hornet he saw. As you can imagine, the rest of the hornets in the back yard came to help the one. So, Sirius got stung all over."

"Yeah, and when Prongs says all over, he means _all_ over." James' mummy nodded, telling James to go with her and find some soothing ointment.

"Oh, and I'll let you put it on, okay?"

"But Mummy! I don't want to touch Sirius'…."

"I understand that, but can you put it on everywhere else and let him put it on there?" James nodded, taking the tube of ointment and went upstairs to the room he shared with Sirius. He opened the tube and started slathering ointment all over Sirius' arms, legs, torso, back, face, hands, and feet.

"You get to put it on everywhere else you've been stung."

"Okay. Um…Prongs?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you- leave while I put it on?"

"Oh! Yes, yes. I certainly will. Go ahead." James quickly ran out of the room, shutting the door behind him. He waited a few minutes before sticking his head back in the room. "You might want to put on some loose clothes, Padfoot. You don't want to irritate the welts."

"Good idea. I'll do that." James closed the door once more, not opening it until he heard Sirius say, "Okay, Prongs. You can come in now." James opened the door and stepped in, lying on his bed.

"You feel all right, Padfoot?" Sirius groaned.

"Do you even need to ask that question? I got stung like a million times by hornets."

"Yeah, that was a stupid question. But you used your word."

"You're right, I did!" Sirius' dark mood was somewhat lifted to realize that. The rest of the day went fairly normally, except that James brought Sirius' dinner up to him after eating with his mummy. James had a hard time propping Sirius up and feeding him. His jaw was so swollen that he could hardly chew. Just then, James' mummy walked in.

"I've arranged for Arthur Weasley's father to come over and look at you tomorrow, Sirius. He's a doctor, you know."

"Thanks so much, Mrs. Prongsie's mummy. I'm miserable." So Sirius finished his dinner, lying down in his bed, able to go to sleep with some hope that he would feel better by the end of tomorrow.

"Okay, Sirius, where exactly did you get stung?" Sirius blushed, looking down at his feet propped up in front of him.

"Um, everywhere."

"What do you mean by everywhere, young man?"

"He means _everywhere_, Mr. Weasley. As in everywhere you can see and so much more."

"…Oh…OH!!! I see. Well, I guess I'll look at the decent bits first and then you can leave while I look everywhere…else."

"Don't you just have a cure, Mr. Weasley?" Sirius did _not_ want a guy looking down there.

"Well, these stings are very peculiar. I'll have to see all of the, erm, welts before I can administer a drug without consequences or further irritation."

"What! You're going to give Padfoot drugs? What kind of doctor are you? … Can I have some?"

"James Leslie Potter!"

"I was just kidding, Mummy! I would never get high without Padfoot." At his mother's stern look, James said, "Sorry, Mummy." Sirius looked interested in the conversation.

"Wait! Your middle name is Leslie! Sorry Prongs, but I can't get high with a guy whose middle name is Leslie."

"I never said I was proud of my middle name."

"Whatever, Prongsie-poo."

"Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Potter- wait that came out wrong. Can you two leave while I look over the rest of the stings?"

"Yes, certainly," stated James' mother calmly despite the fact that the doctor had accidentally implied that she and her son were married. She and James waited outside until he doctor opened the door and admitted them.

"Well, it would seem that Sirius here was stung by foreign hornets and native ones. There are more stings from the foreign ones, oddly enough, so I will give him the cure to those first and come back tomorrow to see how he is."

"That would be fine, I guess," said Sirius, anxious to get rid of the pain, swelling, itching, and irritation. Mr. Weasley took out a small notepad.

"Okay, first of all, are you allergic to cheese?"

"…No, why?"

"How about dandelions?"

"I don't think so."

"Hey, Padfoot. Remember when you made that dead dandelion chain and sent it to your witch of a mother?"

"Oh, yeah. She's allergic to dandelions. Not me, fortunately."

"What about cat urine?"

"What's urine?" Sirius was really confused now.

"It's piss, Padfoot."

"Oh! No, I'm not. Didn't I drink some of Lily's cat's in first year?"

"Yeah, you did. Wait! Didn't you end up in the hospital wing afterwards?"

"No, no. That was Fang's urine."

"For the love of Merlin!" exclaimed Mrs. Potter. "You two are always getting into the craziest predicaments."

"Mummy!" James exclaimed, totally shocked. "You're _married_! Besides, Merlin's all _old_ and stuff! You don't want his love!"

"It's just an expression, Jamsie darling."

"What's a predicament?" asked Padfoot. The poor boy really was confused now.

"You, Padfoot. You are a predicament."

"Yay! I'm a predica-thingy-whatsit!"

"Anyway Sirius, are you allergic to violets?"

"No…"

"Okay then, I can give you this potion then." The doctor pulled a vial of liquid from his pocket.

"Eww! It's brown! I'm not drinking that!"

"It's supposed to look like this."

"Yeah, besides, Padfoot. Do you want those stings…down there…to stay there?"

"Where down there? In HELL?"

"No, down there, on you."

"Oh, you mean on my p-"

"What, Sirius!" Mrs. Potter did not want foul language in her house.

"-rivates?"

"That's better."

"No, I don't want stings down there forever."

"Young man, if you don't take this now, you won't be able to reproduce." Mr. Weasley was getting impatient with everyone in the room and their unorthodox behavior.

"What's reproduce?"

"You'll basically lose your manhood." The doctor was just as uncomfortable with the subject as James was.

"Yeah, Padfoot! You'll be a woman! A woman you hear me!"

"Oh… give it to me now!" Sirius snatched the vile looking vial from Mr. Weasley's grasp. The doctor murmured to himself.

"Hmm, crude. Crude, but very effective." Mrs. Potter stared at him, concerned, while he scribbled down James' technique. "Okay then. I'll be going now." And with a flick of his wand, Mr. Weasley had Disapparated from the room. Everyone left in the room could already see that the odd potion was working. James' mother left the room, leaving the boys to their own devices.

The next morning, Sirius could actually get out of bed, the swelling of the native bites had died down and there was no trace of the larger, blotchier ones.

"Yay! I can get up and move around! My hornet stings are healing! I just used my word! I really have to pee!" James was woken up by Sirius' disturbing sing-song voice.

"Padfoot, if you have to pee, use the bathroom, don't keep singing."

"Oh! Good idea! I'll be back, Prongsie." _Well at least he stopped singing_, thought James. _Now all I have to do is remind him that the doctor's coming back today. He'll have to go through it all over again. Oh well, at least it's not me._ With that thought, James got out of bed and dressed. He knocked on the bathroom door, telling Sirius to come down for breakfast after he was dressed. When he came down, James stared.

"Padfoot, what are you wearing?"

"I just thought I'd dress up for the occasion. I can actually get out bed now!" At his mother's curious and disturbed look, James assured her.

"This is how he always is, Mummy. Only now he has a little more reason to act high. So he dressed up." To Sirius he added, "You better not spill anything on my clothes, Padfoot. If only I hadn't been put on probation for hexing you just after school let out…"

"Well, I never was seventeen, Prongsie. I won't be for another month."

"That's your problem, Padfoot."

"Whatever, let's eat." Sirius brushed aside the topic and sat down to eat his breakfast… All by himself.

"Ew! The doctor's back?"

"Yes, Sirius, Mr. Weasley is back."

"But Mrs. Prongsie's mummy! I don't want him looking at my privates again! That was creepy!"

"You do realize he can hear you, Padfoot. He's in this room."

"Really? Where?"

"I'm right here, young man. And yes, you look much better. Less swelling, smaller bites. Yes, very nice." Mr. Weasley looked Sirius over, then asked James and his mother to leave the room while he looked everywhere else. He opened the door a few minutes later. "Well, Sirius' reaction to the potion is much better than others that I've seen. I have the potion for the native stings with me right here." He pulled a vial out and Sirius reached to grab it.

"Padfoot, he's got to figure out if you're allergic to anything in it first."

"Oh, right. Thanks Prongsie."

"Okay, are you allergic to red ink?"

"No."

"How about cherries?"

"I would die without cherries!"

"Answer Mr. Weasley's question, Sirius."

"Sorry. No I am not."

"How about grass?"

"I don't know; I've never eaten it." The doctor rolled his eyes.

"Do you ever react to grass when you touch it?"

"He can't help rolling in it, Mr. Weasley."

"Thank you James, but I don't think that's a reaction. Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"It's okay to give you this potion, here you go." The doctor held it out and Sirius immediately grabbed it, gulping it down in one go.

"I'll be going now. Contact me if the potion does not do its job." Mr. Weasley Disapparated once more, eager to get away from those strange people.

"I'll leave you two boys alone. Tell me if anything happens with Sirius."

"Yes, Mummy." After Mrs. Potter had left the room, James fell onto his bed, ready to start his and Sirius' ritual of throwing objects and insults at one another. They did for a few minutes until Sirius reacted to the potion. Yes, his stings were disappearing, but he started to act more strangely than normal.

"Pongsey! I wuv u! Yor my bestest frend! Whoo!"

"Mummy! Owl Mr. Weasley to come right away! Sirius is acting crazy! I think there was something wrong with the potion!"

"Oh! That's horrible! I will owl him right away!" James could just barely hear his mother shouting from the bottom of the stairs over Sirius' deranged cries. Within a few minutes, Mr. Weasley had arrived. He walked around Sirius, muttering "Hmm" and "Erm" and "Ah" and "I see". He took one step towards Sirius, twirled him around to face him, and with a gasp from James' mummy, slapped him smartly across the face.

"That should do it. Whenever he starts acting like that again, slap him. That should stop the odd behavior."

"Thanks Mr. Weasley. Mummy? Can I be the one to slap Sirius?"

"Why not? Goodbye Mr. Weas-oh where did he go?" Mr. Weasley had Disapparated, not wanting to spend another minute in that house. Mrs. Potter shrugged and left the room. Sirius looked very confused.

"I am very confused. What happened?"

"The potion made you act loony, so the doctor slapped you and you came out of it. I have instructions to slap you whenever you start acting loony again." James was grateful for the opportunity.

"Whatever. I'm hungry. Let's have dinner. All this healing from hornet stings has left me starving." James agreed and followed Sirius downstairs.

"It's Friday, that means only one more day left to say hornet." Sirius was only a little bit upset because he wouldn't mind being able to forget hornets all together.

"Whatever, Padfoot. What do you want to do?"

"Stay inside. I don't want to get stung again."

"Whatever." And the boys spent their day up in their room, doing what they always did. They threw stuff and said mean things.

"Padfoot, get _up_!"

"No!"

"It's one in the afternoon! We have to owl Remus for a new word, remember?"

"Oh! Right, right." Sirius woke up in a matter of seconds. He wrote on one side of parchment and James on the other.

_Dear Remy-poo,_

_I got stung by like a million hornets on Toosdae. But the dokter came over and gave me really weerd poshons that got rid of the stings. One of them also maid me looney. Anyway, send a gnu word that has to do with bugs, hopfuly nothin that herts._

_-Padfoot_

_P.S. Prongsie's leter is on the bak._

_Hey, Moony._

_Everything Sirius says is true. Please send a harmless word so Padfoot doesn't have to endure Mr. Weasley anymore. He has bad memories. And nightmares. Anyway, bye._

_-Prongs_

**Ant:** _Any of various social insects of the family Formicidae, characteristically having wings only in the males and fertile females and living in colonies that have a complex social organization._

James woke up facing Sirius's bed, which was currently occupied by nothing. _It must be late._ He turned over to look at the clock. _Six o'clock. SIX O'CLOCK!!! Sirius never wakes up before the eighth and a half o'clock! It must be evening!_ "I'VE MISSED DIN-DINS WITH MUMMY! I'VE NEVER MISSED DIN-DINS! EXCEPT WHEN I WASN'T HOME! BUT I AM HOME! AND I MISSED DIN-DINS! BECAUSE IT'S THE EVENING! AND NOT THE MORNING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!" James's mummy poked her head into the room, looking tired. "James, honey, it's six in the _morning_. You haven't missed din-dins. Don't worry."

"Really? Are you telling the truth, Mummy? Because if you're not I will scream at the top of my lungs and then hold my breath until I die." James inhaled, ready to fulfill his threat.

"Yes, Jamsie, I'm telling the truth. Now I'm going to bed. Why don't you go have breakfast? Don't forget to wake Sirius up and give him his bottle or he'll give us grief all day."

"Okay, Mummy. I won't forget. Nighty-night."

"Nighty-night, James." She left the room and probably went back to bed. James shoved his glasses on and went off to find Sirius.

It didn't take long, because Sirius was screaming loudly enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. "DIE, EVIL ANTS, DIE! I WILL DEFEAT YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE NATION!"

"Sirius, what are you _doing_?"

"Killing ants with this magnifying glass."

"Why?" Sirius dropped the magnifying glass and it shattered.

"Because I'm _SAD_!!!!!"

"Why?"

"I don't know. I started feeling sad this morning."

"Why are you killing ants?"

"Oh, I forgot! Gimme your glasses!" He grabbed them and proceeded to scream at the ants and set them on fire again with the light reflected off of James' glasses.

"SHUT THAT KID UP!!!!!!!!!!" someone screamed from down the street.

"Padfoot! I'm going to call Mr. Weasley!"

"No! He'll look _down there_ again. I don't want him to."

"Okay, I promise I won't call. Give me my glasses and we'll go inside and eat sugar, which is good for depression."

"…Fine. Let's go." James had successfully saved thousands of ants from their untimely demises and was honored in their minds forever.

Not really though. They didn't notice.

It was two o'clock the next day and Sirius was reading. Of course, he'd read before. But that was when he was copying Remus's notes, etc. He'd forced James to read letters to him and anything that might require him to actually _think_ was avoided. However, when James walked into his room, he found Sirius reading. True, it was a picture book, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

"Mummy! Call Mr. Weasley! Padfoot's sick!" His mummy came running into the room. "He didn't vomit on the carpet, did he? It's just been-" She gaped. "-replaced. Sirius, are you feeling all right?" He looked up.

"Yes, Mrs. Prongsie's mummy. The story is exciting. It's about a little-" he winked. "-ant. See James? I used my word!"

"Holy shit, Moony, see what have you done? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER!"

"Prongsie! Come read the story!" James reached over cautiously and took the book from Sirius. "Read it out loud."

" 'The Little Ant. Once, there was a little ant. It lived with all of its little ant friends in Little Anthill. One day, a boy stepped on one of the little ant's friends. As revenge, the little ant and its friends stalked the boy and ate all of his insides. And they all lived happily ever after. The End.' Sirius, where did you find this book?"

"My mummy-you know her, the one who's had an affair with the Devil and became more evil and twisted than even him- gave it to me for my fifth birthday. I think she was trying to convert me to the _**DARK SIDE**_. It's just like her, isn't it?"

"…Yes, it is."

"Are you okay, Prongs?"

"Yes, Padfoot. I am okay. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Padfoot, I hate to inform you, but you were reading a book. Which is educational." Sirius's eyes widened. "I was? Who knew books could be so exciting? Can I read more?"

"Mummy, call Mr. Weasley," James whispered so Sirius couldn't hear. She nodded and discreetly left the room. "Padfoot, someone's coming with more books, okay? You'll be able to read soon."

"Yes, Prongsie-poo."

"Now let's go eat something."

"Okay, Prongs." They left to eat the s'mores with chocolate chips and vanilla icing snack again, like they did every day that Remus wasn't there to watch their diet. Sometimes they ate it when he was.

Four hours later, at six in the evening- or, as James would call it, "the eighteenth o'clock"- Mr. Weasley appeared at the door. Sirius had just finished reading _The Little Ant_ for the two hundred and seventeenth (Literally. We're not joking.) time and was ecstatic when the doorbell rang. "Is that the person that's bringing me more books, Prongs? Is it?"

"Uh, yes, Sirius. But he's a secret agent and you can't see him. Come on. Let's go upstairs and look for some of my old books that you can read." Sirius beamed and followed James trustingly up the stairs, not realizing what was happening below. "Hello, Mrs. Potter. Terribly sorry that I took so long. I had many patients today, you see." Actually, he'd spent the day shivering behind the couch in the fear that they would call him again. However, he was too irritatingly polite to say so, and Mrs. Potter remained in the dark as to the real reason for his lateness.

"No, no, it's all right. You came as soon as you could and it's the thought that counts." _I came as soon as I could. You're right about that,_ Mr. Weasley thought. "So, what seems to be the problem?"

"Ah, well, Sirius is reading." Mr. Weasley blinked a few times. "He's what?"

"Reading."

"That's not a serious problem."

"You're right that's not a Sirius problem. That's why we called you!"

"I'm sorry. I don't quite follow. Reading is not a serious problem. Why did you call me?"

"Because it's not a Sirius problem. Sirius doesn't read."

"But if he doesn't read, why is he reading and why is this a problem?"

"Because he doesn't normally read. So him reading is a problem."

"What?"

"Let me restart. Sirius is reading. Sirius never reads. We- James and I- believe that this is an issue. Is there anything that you can do about this?"

"Is that all you called me over for?"

"No, no, no, I really don't think you understand. Sirius _never_ reads. _Ever_."

"Ah. Well, sometimes the potion that counteracts native hornet stings also causes the intelligence of the person who takes it to increase by 100 times. What kind of books is Sirius reading?"

"Picture books. He thinks they're exciting."

"…Picture books. I see. I think I can assume that he doesn't have any allergies, so here's the potion to counteract it and cause his intelligence to decrease back to its normal state and you shouldn't need to call me again. Assuming that, here is my fee." He held out a piece of paper, which Mrs. Potter took. "It's two knuts for the first visit, two for the second, two sickles for the third, and two galleons for this one." Mrs. Potter took out the proper amount and handed it over. "There's a little something extra for your trouble. Thank you so much for this. It means a lot."

"Oh, no problem. Goodbye!" _Goodbye, goodbye, __**GOODBYE! **_He skipped out the door and forgot to Disapparate before crashing into the garden wall. "Poor thing must be exhausted," Mrs. Potter murmured before going inside to give the potion to James to put in Sirius's sugar drink. (Sugar mixed with water.)

"Mrs. Prongsie's mummy, did the secret agent with the books come yet? Where are the books?"

"Sorry, honey, but the books got delayed. They'll get here after dinner. James, can you come downstairs a second?"

"Yeah, sure. Sirius, stay here and read that book, okay?" Sirius looked up from _Bunny and Doggie and the Dancing Goats_. "Okay. Mrs. Prongsie's mummy, look what Prongsie found! It's a whole series of books! See!" Mrs. Potter looked over. _Bunny and Doggie Go to Tea_. _Bunny and Doggie and the Fairy Princesses_. _Bunny and Doggie and the Eiffel Tower_. _Bunny and Doggie and the Tissues_. _Bunny and Doggie and the Turkeys_. _Bunny and Doggie Go Toilet Training_. "Oh! I remember that last one! I gave it to Jamsie when he turned ten! He's managed to go to the potty _in_ the potty ever since!"

"I'm going to read that next!"

"…Right. See you later."

"'Kay, James." James and his mummy went downstairs. "Mr. Weasley gave me a potion that will counteract the effects of the one that helped the native hornets. That increased his intelligence by 100 times. This will make him go back to his normal mentality."

"Oh, good. I was sick of him being obsessed with books. Can we have dinner now?"

"Okay. We'll get takeaway to celebrate."

"To celebrate what? Remus coming back? Sirius going stupid again?"

"Both, I guess. Go get Sirius, will you?"

"YAY! SIRIUS, WE'RE GETTING PIZZA! YAY! COME ON! YAY WITH ME!"

James and his mummy watched eagerly as Sirius gulped down his sugar drink.

"So, Sirius, how do you feel?"

"Fine, why?"

"Do you want to read some books?"

"Uh, maybe after dinner."

"Mummy, wasn't the potion supposed to make Sirius himself again?" James whispered.

"…Yes, it was. Sirius, are you sure you're all right?"

"Yeah. Can I have dessert?"

"Sure. I'll go get the cake," Mrs. Potter said.

"Cake?" James asked.

"Yes, James, a cake," his mummy replied. Sirius's eye twitched. "Cake." His arm spasmed. "_Cake._" He drooled. "**CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** Gimme, gimme, gimme! Now!"

"Mummy? I think his intelligence decreased almost all of the way, but he still wants to read."

"Oh, I'm glad that that's sorted out. Why don't you owl Remus after dessert?"

"Okay."

_Dear Moony,_

_Lots of stuf haz hapend sins u wint too Frans. This week I lykd books. Thair interesting. I red the Bunny and Doggie seereez and I lykd them. Wil u get me books? Thank u Remy. See u layter._

_-Padfoot_

_Dear Moony,_

_Sirius likes books because the potion that made the native hornet stings go away made his intelligence increase by a hundred times. This made him like picture books, which says a few things. Mr. Weasley brought a potion to make him normal again, but he still likes picture books. You're going to have to give him some of your old books. Then again, you probably read a picture dictionary when you were little, so never mind. See you Wednesday and don't forget to come up with a new topic._

_-James_

End of Chapter the First.

Please tell us in a review which your favorite section was. Thank you and goodbye.


	3. Fruit

**Fruit**

Disclaimer: Johnny, Dr. Johnson, James's mummy, James's daddy, and pretty much anything else you don't recognize is ours.

_Dear James and Sirius,_

_Since it's harvesting time, I figured this month's words could be about fruit. Your new word is banana. I'll be back Wednesday, see you then._

_Remus J. Lupin_

**Banana**: _a tropical plant of the genus Musa, certain species of which are cultivated for their nutritious fruit_

"Whoo! Moony's coming back! Yay!" James rolled his eyes

"He's not coming back until Wednesday, Padfoot. We've got to get through Monday and Tuesday, first."

"Aw man!" Sirius glanced at the letter again. "What's a banana?"

"It's a long yellow fruit."

"Oh really? Because I thought it's what made your pants bulge whenever you get near Evans." James threw a book at Sirius' grinning face.  
"Hey! That's not true! Besides, that's not the kind of banana Moony's talking about." Sirius frowned.

"Then what is he talking about?" James sighed.

"_This_ is a banana." He said, walking across the kitchen to the fridge and removing the last banana.

"Ha! It looks funny! That's the dumbest-looking fruit I've ever seen! Ha!"

"Padfoot?"

"Yeah, Prongs?"

"You're laughing at the shape of a fruit." Sirius stopped laughing immediately.

"Wow, that's sad. I must really be getting bored. I can't wait until Moony gets back!" And Sirius' mood was considerably lighter. At least until he woke up the next day.

"Ah! Where'd my _Bunny and Doggy_ books go?!"

"Padfoot, calm down! They're on the bookshelf. Remember, we moved them yesterday?"

"Oh. Yeah. That's right." He walked over to the bookcase. "Hey! Prongs, there's a _Bunny and Doggy and the Eiffel Tower_! Isn't that where Moony is?" James sat up and played the words over in his head. He wouldn't be able to get any sleep now that Sirius was up.

"Moony is in Paris, not the Eiffel Tower, though the Eiffel Tower _is_ in Paris."

"Cool! I'm gonna read it again!" Sirius removed the book from the shelf and started to read. A few seconds later, he was distracted by the grumbling in his stomach. "Prongsie?"

"Ugh! What is it now, Padfoot?"

"I'm hungry."

"Go downstairs and find something to eat."

"Okay." Sirius left the room and James forced himself to get up and get dressed. Within minutes, Sirius was back upstairs, reading the story.

"Did you even eat anything?"

"Yeah. I had a banana. It was _good_."

"You what?!"

"I had a banana. It was good."

"Padfoot that was our last banana! Mummy's going to freak! Ahhhhh!"

"Prongs, what's the big deal?"

"Without bananas, Mummy goes crazy!" Sirius snorted.

"Wouldn't she have gone crazy before this? You know, since your dad's been in Venezuela for the past two months?"

"I'm talking about the fruit, Padfoot, not what you were talking about yesterday. Mummy's practically addicted to bananas. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Can't you go to some Muggle store or something?"

"Yes! That's it! We can go grocery shopping for her today! Then she'll never know! Thanks, that's a great idea!"

"James Leslie Potter!" James jumped.

"Too late." He said gloomily. "Coming Mummy!" He went downstairs, ready for more shouting.

"Where is the last banana?!"

"Um…Sirius ate it."

"Don't you blame this on him, young man! He didn't even know what a banana was last night!"

"But he did this morning. It's his word of the week."

"You are going to go to the store and buy some more! You will also get everything on this list, do you understand?"

"Yes, Mummy." He made for the cabinet to get some breakfast.

"No, you'll go right now."

"Fine, fine. Hey, Padfoot! Get your arse down here! We're going to the store!"

"Sirius didn't do anything wrong. He can stay. Now you'll be going to the market just down the street."

"The Muggle market?! But Mummy! We only have Wizarding money!"

"No, we have Muggle money, too. Here. Now go. She shoved a wad of bills and coins in his hands and pushed him through the door while he was still putting his left shoe on. He took one look at the list and wished he had never gone downstairs at all.

When he was finished shopping, he stood in line and paid the cashier. To his astonishment, it was Lily.

"Hey, Lily. You work here?" She scowled.

"What does it look like, Potter?"

"Point taken. So, you ready for school to start, soon?"

"Yes, actually. I've been working here all summer. I'm only glad that I have an excuse to get away from Petunia."

"But why are you working in a Muggle store?"

"My parents are going to be retiring soon, and I'm helping them save up."

"But what about all those essays we were assigned? When do you get a chance to work on those?"

"Oh I work on those during the weekend, when I'm off work."

"How about you take some time off work and spend some time with me?"

"£28.56: cash or credit?"

"What?"

"Your total, Potter."

"Oh! Um, cash." He handed over the correct amount. "Thanks," he said as she started to help him bag up the goods.

"It's my job, Potter."

"See you, Lily."

"Hurry up; there are more people in line."

"Oh, right. Bye."

"Bye." James was going to go grocery shopping whenever his mother needed more bananas.

"Prongsie! Wake up, wake up, wake up! Moony's coming back today!" James opened his eyes groggily.

"Wha-? Augh! Padfoot! Put some trousers on!" Sirius looked down at his naked self.

"Whoopsies! Sorry, Prongs. But you really should get up. You don't want Moony coming in here and laughing at how stupid you look when you're asleep. Oh wait! That's no different than when you're awake! Never mind."

"Great, so I can go back to sleep." James turned on his side and closed his eyes firmly.

"No you can't. We have to make Moony a welcome back cake."

"You honestly think anything we cook will taste good?"

"Good point. Hey, maybe we should go buy one."

"Yeah… I'll go back to the market and see Lil- and get the cake. You can stay here."

"No way, I've got to go with you. I must supervise the cake decorating."

"Fine. Whatever." James sighed to himself. Now he wouldn't get to talk to Lily on his own. "Bugger!" he muttered under his breath.

"What's that?"

"Nothing, nothing." James got out of bed, picked out some clothes and went to change in the bathroom. When he got back, Sirius was wearing the tuxedo he had worn earlier for Barney's funeral.

"No way, man. You've got to dress up for Moony's coming back party."

"But we've got to go get the cake, first."

"Oh. Right. You can go get the cake, then. Because I'm not changing."

"Okay." James said happily. Now he could see Lily again. He did a little mental cheer in his head. "Let's go get some breakfast."

"Okay!" Sirius agreed.

"What are _you_ doing here again?"

"That's no way to talk to one of your customers, Evans. And for your information, I'm buying Remus a welcome back cake. He's been in Paris for a month."

"Really? Well, then. You can buy that cake right over there." Lily pointed over at the very obvious display of cakes for sale. "Go on," she said. "Go buy your cake. You don't need my help to do it."

"Thanks," but before he could say more, Lily was back at her register. He sighed, and walked toward the bakery section. "I want…that one." He told the man at the counter, pointing at the round, chocolate-iced white cake.

"Okay. And do you want anything written on it?"

"You can do that?!" The man nodded, concerned for James' health. "Okay then, can you have it say: Welcome back, Moony?"

"I sure can." In a few minutes, the man was back. "That'll be £3.51."

"Here you go." James handed the money over. "Wait a second. That says _Happy Birthday, Abigail!_"

"Oh, sorry! Wrong cake. _That_ will be £3.88."

"Why is it more?"

"It's a bigger cake."

"Oh, okay. Here." He gave the man some more coins, picked up the cake, and turned around only to find Lily standing there.

"Evans, you're not following me, are you?"

"No, of course not. It's my parents' anniversary."

"Oh. Well, give them my congratulations." Lily frowned.

"You don't even know them."

"So? I'd like to get to know them, you know: since we're gonna get married some day." Lily scowled.

"You had better get out of here, Potter!"

"Okay, okay! Sheesh! Calm down!" James walked as fast as he could out of the market and back home before Lily could chase him down and beat him to a bloody pulp.

"Guys, guys! Calm down," said Remus as he stepped through the door.

"But you've been gone so long!" explained James.

"Yeah! And we've missed you sooo much!" added Sirius.

"That may be, but you didn't need to dress up for me!" James rolled his eyes.

"Oh yes we did. A month, Moony! You were gone for a month!" Sirius nodded.

"Yeah… We missed you so much; we got a cake to celebrate you coming back! Are you telling me you want James to return it? I mean, he still has the receipt, it'll be no trouble at all." Remus thought for a moment.

"Well, I guess if you went to the trouble of getting cake…"

"Yay! We can be happy and hyper and get high on laughter!"

"Sugar, sugar, sugar!" James and Sirius were insanely happy. No I mean it: _insanely_ happy. So the boys stuffed their face with cake and went up to James' room to lie down while their overstuffed stomachs digested the fatty, sugary goodness that is cake.

"Oh, that cake was good," mumbled Sirius from his bed. By now all three of them had recovered from their sugar-induced stupors that lasted through the night and into Thursday.

"You know it was, Padfoot." James sat up in his bed, hair even more untidy than it normally was.

"Have you guys ever been to an amusement park?"

"What's an a-moose-ment park, Moony?"

"It's _amusement_, Prongs. It's not a place where guys go and play with their bananas, is it, Moony?"

"No, it's a park that has roller coasters and log flumes and other various thrill rides."

"It's a what?" asked James, still half-asleep.

"It's a Muggle thing. But it's sooooooo fun! Hey, we should go on Saturday!"

"Okay, Moony… right… we believe you," Sirius lied from across the room.

"I don't know, Padfoot. Its sounds kind of interesting," said James.

"Whatever, I guess I'll go."

"There's a water park attached, too, Sirius, which means a lot of girls in bathing suits."

"Ah, Moony. You know me too well. We'll go."

"Okay then. That's settled. There's only one thing."

"What did you do this time, James?" Remus started thinking of all the possible things James could have done wrong. The list was alarmingly long even for James.

"I told Peter he could come over today."

"Why'd you have to do that?"

"He wanted to see Moony, but his parents don't want to drive over to his house. He's only allowed to come here."

"Why doesn't the stupid bum just Apparate over there?"

"He's never been there, so he can't."

"Right, that one." Remus had sat quietly all through that portion of the conversation until now.

"Why is it a problem that he's coming over?"

"You know, I really don't know," admitted James. "But we should make sure we hide all of the sweets. If we don't, he'll eat them all. And I only have a few chocolate frogs left."

"Wow, James. You have such kindness." Sirius was being very obvious about his sarcasm and didn't try to mask it at all.

"I know. Let's get up and dressed, guys."

"Good idea," agreed Remus as he rose from the floor, massaging a crick in his neck. The boys went down for breakfast a few minutes later to find no sweets in sight. Apparently, James' mummy didn't want Peter to eat half her kitchen either.

"Hello boys. I made some pancakes for you."

"Thanks Mum." James passed out plates and silver ware and they helped themselves to pancakes and syrup. Somehow, they had managed to devour every last pancake, overstuffing themselves for the second time in two days.

Peter came around at lunchtime, just when James, Sirius and Remus were all waking up from their second set of sugar-induced stupors.

"James! Peter's here!"

"Okay, Mum. We'll be there in a minute!" James groaned. "Guys, get up. Wormtail's here."

"What?" Sirius wasn't completely awake.

"Wormtail's here, Padfoot," repeated Remus.

"Oh. Wait. Then why do we have to go down?"

"It's lunchtime, Padfoot. Now get off your fat arse and come downstairs!"

"Don't be such a grumpy stag, Prongs. Or are you because you're not much of a stag at all?"

"Padfoot, please stop making crude jokes."

"Oh, so now you're siding with Prongs? How could you Moony?!"

"Don't be such a drama queen, Padfoot."

"But I am-wait! I'm not a drama _queen_; I'm a drama _king_!"

"Whatever. Let's go get lunch. I think a salad should do it for now. I'm still full."

"Me too," agreed Remus.

"Psh! I don't know what you guys are talking about. I'm ready to stuff myself yet again."

"That may be, but if you do, you'll gain weight."

"Yeah, Padfoot! You'll be fat! Fat you hear me?!"

"Never mind. A salad's good for me too." James rolled his eyes as Sirius sprang off his bed and ran through the door screaming, "SALAAAD! SALAD, SALAD, SALAD! WHOOOO! And a banana, too!" He added as an after thought.

Their day with Peter was fun, but not nearly as fun as when Peter wasn't there. This was mainly due to the fact that they couldn't eat sweets.

"Bye, Wormtail!" James was able to say at last.

"See you in September!" shouted Sirius.

"Have a good rest of the summer," Remus told him kindly.

"Thanks guys, bye!" Peter was blissfully unaware that the other Marauders cheered amongst themselves once the door was closed. Even Remus was eager for some sweets. Oh wait, no. He was only eager for some fruit. So they got a snack and went back upstairs, where they stayed until dinner.

"It's time for dinner! It's the eighteenth o'clock!"

"Prongs, it's six o'clock, not the eighteenth o'clock," stated Remus matter-of-factly.

"Who cares?" Remus only shrugged and followed him out the door.

"I want potatoes!"

"There are no potatoes, Sirius." James' mummy was getting extremely tired of Sirius' picky appetite.

"But I want potatoes!"

"We have potato chips, will that work?" James was getting very tired of Sirius' pickiness as well.

"Okay!" And Sirius calmed down immediately. Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius had another tantrum. This time it was about how he had no room on his plate for the potato chips. Remus heard another "Okay!" once James had fixed the problem. No, he didn't fix Sirius; he just got him another plate, which Sirius smothered with potato chips. He was such a child. He continued to act like a child all through dinner and only stopped when he fell asleep at two a.m. Somehow, once he woke up, he was back to being his 17-year-old self, which was still remarkably immature.

"Hey, Moony, aren't we going to the a-moose-ment park tomorrow?" James not only thought it would be interesting to go, but became just as fascinated as Sirius when he heard there would be girls in bathing suits.

"No, we're going to the _amusement_ park tomorrow." Sirius actually corrected James. Remus was impressed.

"Oh, right. Let's get some breakfast."

"Okay! I want another banana!" James rolled his eyes. Sirius was practically addicted to bananas now that they were his word of the day. At least they were going to have fun tomorrow. Remus left after breakfast to get the tickets and his swimming trunks. He also got sun tan lotion, a water bottle, a hat, and sunglasses. James laughed when he saw them.

"Ha! Moony, you're going to wear _sunglasses_?! When have you ever worn sunglasses before?"

"I wear them whenever I go to the amusement park. I have fragile retinas." Remus said by way of explanation.

"What are retinas?" James needed even more of an explanation now that Remus had used a big word.

"They're part of your eyes."

"Ohhhhhh! I get it now! You're wearing them for the ladies!"

"No, Prongs. I'm wearing them to protect my eyes."

"Oh, you're no fun." Remus shook his head. It was possible that James was just as immature as Sirius. They went to bed early, which was ten o'clock for James and Sirius. But either way, they were somehow able to wake up in the morning.

Remus woke them up extremely early the next morning.

"AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! MUMMY IS ATTACKING ME!!!!!!!! I'LL SEND MY EVIL TWIN DOGGIE PADFOOT AFTER YOU, MUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Remus blinked and shook Sirius harder. After a few seconds, the decision was made that Sirius was a lost cause and it would be better to try James. It didn't really matter, because James had already woken up. "I know how to wake him up, Moony!" He leapt from the bed and landed so that Sirius' face was buried in his buttocks. A muffled cry emanated from that general area. James smiled widely and bounced off again. "See, Moony! It wakes him up so fast! Try it!"

"NO!" Sirius and Remus roared at the same time. "James Leslie Potter, are you using a dirty mind?!" Mrs. Potter shouted up the stairs.

"Yes! I borrowed Padfoot's for the week!"

"Prongs! What would your Lily think?"

"She'd be proud that I had such a clean mind that when I wanted to be dirty I had to borrow yours!"

"Right, James. The sad part is that you actually want to borrow Sirius's mind in the first place."

"Moony! You're supposed to be on my side!"

"I'm neutral. I don't take sides."

"Get your dirty little minds down here and eat breakfast! Except for you, Remus dear! Get your clean, intelligent mind down here and have some pancakes!" James's mummy called. Sirius promptly stripped and pulled on clean clothes in less than two minutes.

"Aww, Sirius! Stop doing that in public!"

"Stop looking! Anyway, it's not public."

"Yes it is. The window's open and some senile old man is watching you." Right on cue, an elderly voice came up from the street. "Hey, handsome! What's your address?"

"AAAAAAAH!!!!!! Sex-deprived old men! Kill them all!" (A/N: This is not our view, unless they're coming after us, and we can take care of ourselves, thank you very much.)

"Hey, this is your future lover you're talking about, young man!" the old guy shouted from below.

"Mrs. Prongsie's Mummeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! There's a crazy old man who wants to sexually solicit meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help!" He went running down the stairs. "You know, we should probably go after him."

"Yeah, he might fall down the stairs again."

"What? When did he fall down the stairs?"

"Never mind."

After the sex-deprived old man was taken care of (involving James's mummy and the frying pan that the pancakes were in) and the boys had all stuffed themselves with pancakes, they went to find a bus to the train station. After the first train, they took _another_ train to _another _train station and found _another_ bus. The whole ride was complicated by Sirius saying every minute, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" and "Jamsie? Where's the real snacks?"

"What real snacks?"

"Chocolate frogs, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, you know, _real_ snacks. What are _Taytos_? And _Aero_? And _Club Orange_?"

"They're _Muggle_ snacks, Sirius," Remus whispered. "Now shut your face and pretend to like them." When the group received funny looks from the other passengers, James' mummy explained, "He's _American_ and thinks he's British. He's also a tree missing a forest, if you know what I mean." (A/N: If you don't understand this: You know the saying 'one tree short of a forest'? Well, Sirius is a lot of trees short of a forest.) She gave an obvious wink to everyone then turned to Sirius, drawing a finger across her throat, silently telling him to shut his mouth. Sirius spent the rest of the ride sulking, only making noise to continually ask, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How 'bout now? Are we there _yet_?" Which was in turn followed by a series of NO!'s.

"Finally, to everyone's relief, the bus pulled up at the entrance to the amusement park.

"It's the a-moose-ment park!" shouted James. He thought about what he said. "Wait! Moose meant park?! What moose? Where?"

"Prongs, for the last time: it's _amusement_, not a-moose-ment."

"Oh… Right. Anyway, let's go! Moony, where are the tickets?"

"They're right here, Prongs," Remus showed him the tickets he pulled out of his pocket.

"Once we get in, I'll leave you boys on your own. Here's some money for lunch and snacks. I'll be in the gift shop if you need me. Meet me there at four."

"Okay, Mummy. See you later!" By now they had gone through the ticket booth and they all followed Remus while James' mummy made a beeline for the gift shop. Little did they know that Remus was leading them to one of the biggest thrill rides in the park.

"What's that big huge thingy that's shooting people up and down?" asked Sirius once they got there.

"I don't know, but it looks scary. Moony, can we please not go on it?"

"Guys, calm down. It's just the Annihilator. And we are _going_ to ride it."

"The Annihilator?" James was terrified now. But he followed Remus and Sirius to the end of the line. After waiting 20 minutes, they got on. Remus screamed bloody murder; he was having so much fun. Sirius staggered out the exit shouting, "Holy shit, man. That was awesome!" Remus nodded vigorously.

"I know! I love these rides. Wait until you ride the biggest roller coaster here! It's called the Serpent." Sirius' eyes widened.

"Serpent? You mean like snake? I don't like snakes. Do we have to ride it?"

"Yes, we do. James, are you all right?"

"No, I feel sick." Remus nodded knowingly.

"You ate too many pancakes this morning. Here's a rubbish bin. Throw up in there." Remus led him to a nearby bin and pushed his head over it. James turned green.

"Ugh! This rubbish bin smells like-BLURGH!" James couldn't finish his sentence because his half-digested pancakes came back up. Sirius grimaced, but Remus was too excited to get to the next ride.

"Come on, guys!" And he promptly dragged them off towards the Serpent. They spent another 20 minutes waiting in line until they could board. James was already pale, but that was nothing compared to how Sirius looked when they got off.

"Oh, now I feel sick." He didn't vomit, but he did turn a disconcerting yellow. James on the other hand was flushed with pleasure.

"That was amazing!" He shouted to no one in particular. "Let's go again!"

"Yeah!" Remus loved roller coasters. It was all he could do to wait in line with his timid best friends. Sirius scowled. James took one look at him and the two decided better. Instead, they forced Sirius on all of the other roller coasters and various thrill rides in the park. Sirius' favorite was the Hippity-Hoppity ride for young children. It was a miniature roller coaster with tiny hills and white fluffy bunnies plastered everywhere. After the roller coasters, they got lunch. "Lookie, James! They have banana splits! With bananas in them!" Several people eyed them and carefully sidled away. "Yeah! Moony, can we get some?" Remus sighed and bought two banana splits. "You too, Remus! Eat a banana split!" Remus sighed again and bought another one. "Don't forget Mummy!" Remus was about to buy another one when he spun around. "Hey! Your mummy's not eating with us! You just want me to buy more so you can stuff your ugly faces and get fat and throw up in the water on the rides!" Shifty eyes. "Maybe, Remus…Maybe not. Maybe-"

"I don't care about whether or not! No more banana splits!"

"But Moony! It's my word of the whimpy!"

"It's not-oh forget it." Neither James or Sirius ate much else; they didn't want to throw up. They went to the bathroom with their bags and changed into their swimming trunks so they could go to the water park. As soon as they stepped into it, Sirius' eyes bulged and practically fell out of his head along with his tongue lolling out of his wide open mouth. He stayed like that the whole time they walked from ride to ride and waited in the lines. Apparently, bringing Sirius to a water park really got his attention off of how terrifying the rides might or might not be.

"How about we ride all of the roller coasters again?" Remus suggested once they had dried off and replaced their shirts. Sirius scowled just as James was about to answer.

"You have a death wish, don't you, Moony?"

"That is a rhetorical question, so I won't answer. Instead, let's go to the gift shop!

"Okay!" James agreed, noting the look on Sirius' face and not wanting him to get any paler or angrier. Unfortunately for him, you could hardly see the deathly white under the bright red from the sun. Sirius groaned as they wound their way through the many people that were bumping into them. He had a bad sunburn and was only cheered up by the fact that Remus told him it would turn into a tan once it healed.

"Oh, Sirius! You poor dear! Look at that sunburn, it's horrible."

"I'm fine, really." He assured her. "Can we just go before Moony makes me ride the Twisted Demon again?"

"Oh, certainly. Do you boys want any souvenirs before we go?" Remus nodded vigorously for about the sixteenth time that day.

"Yeah! I can get another keychain for my collection!" James nodded too.

"I want a shirt, so I can show Lily how brave I was."

"Brave? You want brave? Try me riding every single roller coaster! Including the ones that go upside down!" James' smile disappeared. He tapped Sirius' shoulder in comfort. "Ouch! Sunburn, remember, you git."

"Oh, right. Sorry." Sirius shook his head.

"The only reminder I want of this place is the half empty bottle of whatever I can use to get rid of this sunburn." James' mother nodded understandingly.

"Yes. I'll buy some for you, Sirius, darling. I can only imagine what kind of pain you must be in." The other two picked out a souvenir while James' mother went to look for the soothing cream Sirius so desperately desired. Within minutes, she found it and had the cashier ring everything up. James was disappointed to remember it wasn't Lily. Instead it was an old, fat man who only had a wisp of hair left on his head. They left quickly and caught a bus to take them to the train station _again_. _Again_ they got on another train, which left them at King's Cross _again_. They got on a bus _again_ and walked down the street to the Potter's house. They were all tired, even though Remus and James had the time of their lives and all Mrs. Potter had done was sit in the gift shop, reading her book in the blissful air conditioning. They ate a quick dinner before they all collapsed in their rooms to sleep off their sore feet and for some, to help their sunburn heal. They were barely awake when Remus mumbled to Sirius, "You're next word is raspberry."

**Raspberry**: _the fruit of any of several shrubs belonging to the genus Rubus, of the rose family, consisting of small and juicy red, black, or pale yellow drupelets forming a detachable cap about a convex receptacle_

James woke up the next morning to feel a strange, but pleasant feeling on his stomach. He opened his eyes lazily and jammed on his glasses to see- "PADFOOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Sirius took his mouth off James's stomach. "I was giving you raspberries! What did you think I was doing? "

"I don't know, but _please_ stop!"

"Fine. I won't use my word of the whimpy on you." He moved over to Remus. "Don't even _think_ about it, Sirius. Just because my eyes are closed does _not_ mean I'm asleep."

"Why'd you choose to wake me up like that anyway?"

"Prongs! How could you forget?"

"It's his birthday, James. Did you get him a present?" _Shit. I forgot Padfoot's present._ "Uh, yeah, but I put it somewhere for safekeeping. Can I go get it?"

"Okay…Can you get my cake while you're out?"

"Yeah, sure. Tell Mummy where I've gone."

"Wait!" Sirius shouted. "You forgot the tuxedo!"

"What?"

"The tuxedo! You have to wear a tuxedo when you're going to get my present, remember? We agreed on it _ages_ ago! On my seventeenth birthday, you'd wear a tuxedo all day! And I'd wear one for yours!"

"Fine, fine. Let me go change." He left the house ten minutes later, feeling slightly ridiculous, but hopeful that Lily would be able to help him. With Sirius's present, not the tuxedo.

"Potter, what the hell are you doing in a tux?" James had managed to find Lily at the cake counter.

"Uh, does it make me man-pretty?"

"No. It makes you look strange. In a bad way. Why are you even here?"

"I NEED YOU!"

"Potter! People are staring! Stop pretending I like you!"

"Sorry. I don't mean it like that! Padfoot's birthday is today and I forgot a present because he's been doing bananas and bugs-"

"_What_ has Sirius been doing?"

"I'm not making much sense, am I. Moony set up this thingy so that he could teach Padfoot a new word every week and last month was bugs and this month is fruit, so I'm distracted and Padfoot doesn't have a present and I need help!"

"That you do, son." James looked at the random passerby. "Hey, you're the creepy sex-deprived old man that was hitting on Padfoot last week! Stay away or Mummy will get you with the frying pan again!" _Um…I seriously doubt Potter's sanity. And I guess Sirius really did do bananas._ "Lily! That's not nice!"

"Did I just say that out loud?"

"Yes, you did, young lady. But that's okay, honey," the old man commented, slipping an arm around her shoulders. A second later he had his hands in the area of his crotch and was doubled over in pain. "You're not going to get a man that way!" James exclaimed.

"Shut it, Potter, or I'll do it to you too. Anyway, how can I help you?"

"Eep! Uh, um, what should I get Padfoot?"

"A _Playboy_ magazine?"

"What's that?"

"Never mind."

"Well, if you say it like that…we're trying to get him off that stuff. He suffered from withdrawal symptoms for a while. I found one of my mummy's, uh, _private things_ under his bed last week. Needless to say, Mummy keeps track of that stuff and uh, well, frying pan, um, yeah, stuff, ouch…" he trailed off into incoherent mumbling which ended in the word _swat_.

"…I see. No _Playboy_ then. How about, uh, dollies!"

"_Dollies_? Well then again, I said bunny a month ago-" He flushed and closed his mouth. "I didn't just say that, okay?"

"If I didn't say dollies, we've got a deal."

"Okay, anyway, no dollies. He may read picture books but he hasn't sacrificed his manhood."

"Picture books, eh? Hey, does he like _Bunny and Doggie_? I've got zillions of those! Almost the entire set! Except for the new one that just came out."

"Padfoot loves _Bunny and Doggie_! Let's go!"

"Potter, my shift doesn't end for five minutes," she informed him, gratefully sliding back behind the counter.

"It's okay! I'll pick out Padfoot's cake! Can I leave it here?"

"Yes, Potter, it's called holding it."

"You can do that?" The other man behind the counter gave him a strange look. "You can have this one, Evans."

"Hey, Lily, what should I get?"

"That chocolate one." She pointed to a cake with white frosting.

"That's not brown. Chocolate's brown."

"It's on the inside."

"You can do that?"

"Evans, my shift's over."

"Sure, Johnny, sure."

"Why do you call him Johnny and me Potter?"

"His last name's Johnson, but I call him Johnny."

"So call me Potty! Oh, wait a second. Never mind."

"Right, so you want the chocolate one?"

"Can you also write on it?"

"Yes, Potty. What do you want it to say?"

"Happy Stupid Day, Padfoot!"

"How about Happy Birthday?"

"Oh, right! That one! Okay, write that!"

"I'll put the cake right here, okay?"

"Okay. Let's go!"

"My shift isn't over for another five minutes."

"Okay, I'll wait!"

Fifteen minutes later, they found themselves outside of the Evans household. "Petunia should be out with," Lily shuddered, "_Vernon_, so the house is probably empty."

"Okay! Let's get _Bunny and Doggie_!"

"Right." As they headed inside, she informed him of the plan. "We're stealing Petunia's. She's got the whole set."

"Um, why does _she_ have them? She doesn't seem like the type."

"Our insane great-aunt thinks that I'm 21 and she's four, so she sends me £500 every year on my birthday and Petunia gets a _Bunny and Doggie_ book." A brief grin of fiendish glee crossed Lily's face and she waited for James to laugh too. "If you get 500 pounds every year, why aren't you fat? Do you get it taken off? Is that another nifty thing they do at the cake counter?"

"Pounds are Muggle money, Potter. Not weight. So I get lots of _money_ every year and Petunia gets a book for four-year-olds." James raised an eyebrow. "And Black."

"Right. Can we go? Can we, can we, can we? Let's go, come on, come on, come on!"

"Calm down, Ja-Potter." _I just almost called him James. BIG oopsie, Lily, BIG oopsie. At least he's too excited to notice._ Of course, she didn't realize that James was thinking, _Yes! She almost called me James! But, as Remus says, I must not lord it over her. I'll pretend not to notice._

"Where does she keep the books?"

"In her room. Speaking of which, here we are!" James stopped dead in the doorway and Lily crashed into his back. "What? Why'd you stop?"

"It's so…clean. It hurts the eyes to look at it. Can we go now?"

"No! Do you want _Bunny and Doggie_ or not?"

"I want it. Hey, is that _Bunny and Doggie Scratch and Sniff Chocolate Sticker Book_? I've wanted that for ages!" he shrieked.

"Uh…" James quickly recovered his manly disdain for all things sticker-like.

"I mean…Padfoot would love this." He sent shifty eyes towards the door.

"I see. Shall we steal it?"

"Yeah. And let's get out of here. Your sister has a freakishly clean room."

'I know." A door downstairs slammed. "Shit, that must be her! Let's get out!" They were at the bottom of the stairs when Petunia came out of a room next to them, talking to a boy behind her. "So, Vernon, do you-" She stopped short when she saw Lily and James. "What are you doing here?"

"It's my house, too. Remember, I'm your _sister_."

"What's _that_ here for?" She gestured disdainfully at James.

"I might ask you the same thing about the one behind you." Petunia flinched but gave her a look loaded with scorn. "At least my boyfriend isn't a _freak_ like yours."

"He isn't a freak. You're just jealous that you couldn't go too. I remember you sulked in your room for _days_ and _begged_ Dumbledore to let you come too."

"I did not!"

"Did too. And if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving now." She pushed past, dragging James along by the wrist. Once they were outside, she looked at him expectantly. "Do you still have the book?" He stared at her, offended. "Duh, I have the book! Do you think I'm as stupid as that sister of yours?" They started walking. "No, just checking."

"Wait, are you coming with me?"

"Um, I think so, why?"

"Dunno. Bit strange. You hate me and Padfoot, but you're coming to his birthday party at my house."

"I'm coming for the intelligent company, which I won't find at my house right now."

"I'm intelligent! Yay!"

"No, Remus is. The cake looks good anyway."

"Ah, I knew it was too good to be true. You'll get to meet my mummy though!"

"Really? Is she at all like you?"

"Nah, Mummy's your kind of person. Except she's obsessed with bananas. The fruit kind. If there aren't any in the house, she will have a panic attack and lock herself in her room until someone goes out and buys them. Like last week! Sirius's word was banana, so he ate the last banana and Mummy had a panic attack and it was apparently my fault, so I got the bananas. That was the week where the old man tried to sexually solicit Padfoot."

"Can I hear the whole story on that? I just heard you mention it in the store and I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Okay!"

Soon, they reached the Potter residence and James kicked the door and screamed, "Open it or die, Padfoot!" Silence.

"Will dying make me lose my manhood?"

"Yes!"

"Eep!" The door opened seconds later and Sirius stared at Lily. "Er, what's Evans doing here?"

"She came for the intelligent company, she says."

"I'm intelligent! Yay!"

"No you're not, Remus is. Do you realize that Potter said the exact same thing when I mentioned that?"

"Erm, no?"

"Good." They headed inside and Sirius locked the door before bawling up the stairs, "Moony! There's a beautiful lady who wishes the pleasure of your attentions!"

"Wow, Sirius! You expect me to come down for that one again?"

"No really! Prongsie brought Lily-flower!"

"My name's Lily, Black. Or Evans. _Not_ Lily-flower."

"Yes, ma'am. WELL, MOONY! COMING OR NOT?"

"Is the cake here?"

"YES!"

"Fine!" There was a thump upstairs and Remus walked sedately down the stairs a few seconds later. "Hi, Lily."

"Hi, Remus."

"Want to play chess?"

"Okay." They wandered into the living room and Remus produced a chess set from nowhere in particular.

"White or black?"

"White."

"Okay."

Two games later, James's mummy walked in.

"Hello, Remus. And you must be Lily! How are you doing?"

"Hi, Mrs. Potter. I'm fine, thanks."

"James has told me all about you. Some of it's really rather disturbing, actually." She adopted a thoughtful expression. "In fifth year, he could tell me in detail every single aspect of your daily life, when your period was, what your favorite foods were…"

"Um…"

"Oh, sorry, honey. Well, don't hold all of that against him. He really does like you, you know. In a disturbingly obsessive sense. Do you think you could give him a chance this year?"

"I- I guess I could. I mean, if he wasn't such a-um- an idiot."

"No, he'll be trying much harder this year, won't he, Remus dear?" Remus nodded and went back to contemplating the ever-important strategies involved in the glorious game of chess. Haha, yeah right. He was really thinking about when he could next have a good smoke. You know, the inner mind of Remus John Lupin is an interesting place. Seriously, he was wondering when Lily was going to get back to the game. It was her turn. Anyway, back to the embarrassing conversation. Actually, to the subject of it. James skipped in the door and stopped short when he realized that Lily was there. After all, he must appear manly in front of his Lily-flower.

"Mummy?" Okay, maybe not _very_ manly, but at least he was trying, right?

"Yes, darling Jamsie?"

"Padfoot is-I mean, Padfoot's _dog_ is outside trying to eat your flower bed. He got through the roses already, but I have him tied up."

"Sirius has a dog?"

"Yeah, it was a stray he found. Black, messy. Like Padfoot!"

"I see. I'll come out and help you with him." They left the room and a few seconds later, Lily heard James's voice. "No, Mummy, you don't need the frying pan. Really. He's a nice dog, just…a lot like Padfoot." Lily looked over at Remus.

"When did Black get a dog?"

"Sirius. When did _Sirius_ get a dog."

"Sirius, Black, whatever. When did he get a dog?"

"Uh, a few years ago. I don't remember exactly when." _Is it just me, or does Remus sound a bit, hmm, strange? He remembers _everything_. It's scary. I don't think he'd forget something as big as Black getting a dog. Well, this is something to think about on a rainy day._ She put it away for later contemplation.

"Your move."

"Oh, right." Silence for another fifteen minutes. Then: "Sirius thinks we're having an affair. He believes that chess is another name for violent kissing and that we are keeping it a secret because I'm afraid of what James would do to me."

"_WHAT_?!"

"Are you going to go kill him now?"

"No. My anger management therapist says that I need to calm down when I'm angry, consider what is making me want to murder people, and find more constructive ways of expressing myself." She paused for a minute. "Do you think that if I told him that I had to see a therapist he would stop liking me?"

"No, he has to see one too. He has depression issues."

"How does _Potter_ have depression? He can get whatever he wants!"

"James. How does _James_ have depression."

"Uh, whatever. James, Potter, who cares."

"He goes into Lily-deprivation mode and does all sorts of things to himself. Once, he became anorexic. It was pretty creepy. He had no fat on his body whatsoever and he kept saying that he needed to lose weight. I'm afraid Mr. Weasley doesn't like him anymore."

"Not surprising." They lapsed back into silence and continued with the game.

It was almost midnight when Lily was at the door, prepared to leave. "Thanks, Mrs. Potter. I'll see you around."

"Lily, it's very late. Do you think your parents would mind if you slept over? Another interesting tidbit that James told me was that you failed your Apparition test, and I don't want you walking by yourself."

"I guess so. Petunia certainly doesn't want me home." And that is how Lily Evans came to be sleeping within the house of James Potter. (Dun, dun, dun.)

Around one, the Potters' living room was transformed. Instead of sofas, easy chairs and coffee tables all around it, every piece of furniture was pushed to one side. In the center, there was an array of sleeping bags covering the carpet. Lily's sleeping bag was off in a corner and the closest person to her was Remus, since he was the most trustworthy to not do anything stupid. Next came James, since that was not only the closet available place to Lily, but also because Remus didn't want Sirius' snoring to be so close to him. So anyway, they were all lying inside their respective sleeping bags, playing Truth or Dare.

"Potter: truth or dare?" James figured he had nothing to lose, so he chose truth.

"Why do you like me?" Oh, he had so many reasons, but if he told her any of them, she would whack him upside the head.

"Umm….."

"Well, Potter. What is it?"

"Um….Erm….You're pretty, smart, funny, and a good leader." Lily blushed. Fortunately for her, no one could see.

"All right, Potter. Now you pick someone."

"Okay….umm….Remus."

"Dare." No way was he going to chance James being accidentally stupid and getting his secret revealed. But then he realized that he would probably have to do something equally bad with James daring him. And he was right.

"Oh, goody. Moony, I dare you to snog Padfoot."

"WHAT!!!!" the two boys in question shouted simultaneously. Lily rolled her eyes. Ja-Potter was so immature.

"You had better be quiet down there!" yelled Mrs. Jamesie's Mummy from her room. The boys all looked sheepishly at one another.

"Anyway, back to the dare…." said James. "Moony, go snog Padfoot."

"No!" he said.

"Hey, I'm not the one who picked dare. Do it." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Fine," he sulked. "Padfoot, get over here."

"No way man, I am not kissing a boy. Imagine what would happen to my reputation." James rolled his eyes.

"Just do it Padfoot. Get it over with now before I change the dare to the snogging happening at Hogwarts in the common room." Lily was a bit concerned for how cruel James could be. So the boys kissed with much reluctance and quickly crawled back into their sleeping bags while wiping their mouths with their hands. Thank goodness that was over. But Remus could take revenge on James.

"So, Prongs. Truth or Dare?"

"Dare." He didn't want another replay of spilling his feelings out about Lily.

"I dare you to snog Lily." Well, maybe it wasn't revenge, but he had just realized that Lily would be upset with him. _Oh,shit! Now I'm in for it... _But James was actually quite happy. He wriggled out of his sleeping bag and hopped over Remus to help Lily out of her encumbering cocoon.

"So, Evans. I guess we should get to it then." Lily only scowled.

"I wouldn't snog you if my life depended on it!" Sirius shook his head.

"But Evans, you have to. Prongs was dared to." Lily looked over at Remus to see him nodding. Why was the world against her? Well, that being the case, she figured she had no choice.

"Oh fine. But you are not to breathe a word of this to anyone. That goes for all of you." Once they had all nodded, she looked over at James.

"So, Potter. It's your dare." He nodded and grabbed her shoulders hesitantly, pulling her closer to him. He leaned down and their lips met. Unknowingly, Lily ran her fingers through James' hair. He pulled her still closer to him, deepening the kiss. Suddenly, Lily pushed him away, realizing what was happening.

"Go lie down, James." She realized her mistake of calling him by his first name. She mentally cursed his unnerving kiss. James only grinned like a fool, mentally cheering. He lay back down without having to be told twice. Sirius and Remus just stared on. They sat in an awkward silence until,

"So Prongs, how was it?"

"Shut up Padfoot. Now is not the time."

"Fine then. I'll ask Evans. So Evans, how was it?"

"Shut it, Black, and get to sleep."

"Fine then. But I will find out you no good, rotten party poopers." And an even more awkward silence fell over the room. But Sirius' snoring dispersed it. Figures.

**Papaya**: _the large, yellow, melon like fruit of a tropical American shrub or small tree, Carica papaya, eaten raw or cooked_

"Wow. I slept well. How about you guys?" asked James. He looked over at Sirius.

"Padfoot! Wake up! Everyone else is up."

"Mmm! Yummy marshmallows. Ooh! And chocolate, lots of chocolate!" Remus rolled his eyes.

"Padfoot, get up already!"

"Fine, fine." He pushed himself off the floor and into a sitting position. Lily just sat in her corner shaking her head. That is, she was until she remembered what happened last night. She turned bright red and tried to hide it with her hair. Unfortunately, it was still in its braid. James looked over and decided that it was best not to say anything. Instead, he heaved Sirius off the floor and dragged him into the kitchen. The others followed and, to Lily's dismay, left her a seat next to James. She sat down and waited for everyone to serve themselves first. To no surprise, Sirius piled four pancakes onto his plate without any ado. James took three, while Lily and Remus stuck with two. They dug in- or at least James and Sirius did. When they were all finished, they all got dressed. Lily said goodbye and James opened the door for her, trying to score points. She left and not two minutes after, there was a knock on the door.

"Hey, maybe my Lily-flower came back. She must want another kiss!" James scrambled to the door and if his face sank at first, he was grinning two seconds afterwards. "Daddy! What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be back for another month!"

"Well hello to you too, James, oh son of mine."

"Hello Mr. Prongsie's Daddy!"

"Good morning Sirius. Remus." He nodded at each of them.

"What do you have there, Daddy?"

"Oh this?" he said, gesturing to the crate he held under one arm. "It's some papayas I brought back. I figured we could take a stab at getting rid of your mother's banana obsession."

"What's that, Addison? Do you have a problem with my, erm, problem?"

"No, not at all, dearest." Meanwhile, Remus had a revelation.

"Sudden brainstorm! Papaya!" Everyone in the room looked at him like he sprouted another nose.

"Papaya: Padfoot's new word of the week. It is Sunday, after all." Remus didn't like that kind of attention. In fact, he didn't like much attention at all. So once they all stopped gawking, he was much more comfortable.

"Yay! I have a new word of the whimpy! Wait. Moony, what's a papaya?" Remus sighed.

"A papaya is the large, yellow, melon like fruit of a tropical American shrub or small tree, Carica papaya, eaten raw or cooked." Sirius nodded, mulling the definition over a bit. I know, amazing, right? Sirius actually thinking?

"Son, I'm concerned. No ordinary seventeen-year-old boy should be able to give a definition for fruit off the top of his head."

"Daddy, it's Remus; he's special." James' father just shook his head and went upstairs.

"Wait. Moony, you said a papaya was a melon-like fruit, right?"

"Right."

"Ha-ha! Melons! This is the second word that's practically an indooendoe! Ha!"

"Padfoot, you mean innuendo. And melons only have something to do with reproduction in your own twisted mind."

"Whatever, Prongs. The definition still says melon." Remus and James felt bad for Sirius. His poor, stupid, under-used brain. It was so sad.

Three days later, (Wednesday for all you people that are confused but don't want to think.), there were only three papayas left. Everyone loved the taste so much that they ate at least one every day. Mrs. Potter was hard put to look for interesting recipes that used the exotic fruit. But that's not important, so where were we? Oh yes. There were only three papayas left, GASP! So Sirius, wanting to preserve the "papaya-ey goodness" as he called it, took one and hid it under his bed. When Mrs. Jamesie's mummy went down to make dinner,

"All right! Who took the papaya?!" James and Remus shared a look. Gee, who could it possibly be?

"Mummy, I would search under Padfoot's bed if I were you."

"Oh, thank you James, dear." And she entered the messy territory of Sirius', James', and Remus' room. A few minutes later, she called the three there. Sirius' bed was on the other side of the room and under where it used to be, sat a huge, grimy, green, brown, and purplish(?) mass of rotten papaya. And on Jamesie's mummy's face was- a scowl. Who would have guessed?

"I want you three to take care of this mutant piece of slime, mold, and purple right now! And clean up the rest of your room, too!" They all groaned in unison.

"But Mummy! It was Padfoot's fault! Why can't you make him clean up the mutant purple?!"

"What?! I'm not cleaning this place by myself!"

"Sirius, dear. You don't have to clean the whole room by yourself, just the mutant purple and your part of the room. James and Remus will clean up everything else. I want all of those dirty clothes in the laundry room by dinnertime." And she left without any room for complaints or objections. At least Sirius was happier. So the boys got to work. The rest of the afternoon passed without event, unless you count the mutant purple trying to strangle Sirius…. But Remus stunned it so Sirius could chop it up and dump it into a garbage bag. Their room was almost sparkling when they went down for dinner.

"Hi, Mummy! We're finished!"

"Oh, that's great Ja- get back upstairs and shower right now! You're covered in dust! All three of you now! And don't mess up your room!" They obediently, if solemnly, marched back up the stairs. They did what they were told, ate dinner, went upstairs yet again, and went to sleep. Cleaning is hard work on two lazy teenagers and a moody werewolf.

"AHH!!!" screamed James.

"What the-??" Sirius woke up with a start. "Prongs! I was sleeping! Merlin!"

"I know. But-but- I just remembered something…."

"What?"

"It's full moon tonight. Where are we going to go?"

"Aw! I forgot! Man, this Friday is going to stink like Professor Slughorn's baggy Y-fronts!"

"Padfoot? Why do you know what type of knickers the Professor wears?"

"Because we raided his room in third year, remember?"

"Oh yeah….Now back to the problem at hand. Wait. Is Moony actually still asleep?"

"Yeah, I think he is. Wow. That's weird. I mean, you screamed bloody murder…"

"Oh, shut up. OI!! MOONY!!! Wake up!"

"Wha-? Oh. Morning guys."

"Morning, Moony. How did you sleep?" James rolled his eyes.

"Padfoot, that's not important. Moony, it's full moon tonight."

"Oh yeah….I forgot." His face clouded over. If full moons were a terrible thing for James, Sirius, and Peter, that was nothing compared to what Remus went through.

"So where are we going to go for the transformation?"

"We could find some random dilapidated building…I mean, isn't that what the Shrieking Shack is?"

"No Padfoot, that's too dangerous." Remus cursed his furry little problem.

"Why don't we go up into the mountains and find a cave?"

"That's actually a good idea, James. But where are we going to find one on such short notice?"

"Wait. Moony. Where do you normally go to transform during the summer?"

"Wow. I am an idiot. I usually go into the woods next to my house. They're deserted."

"Then why don't we just go there?"

"Aww! But I want to go cave hunting!"

"That doesn't matter. Moony's normal way is safer and it makes more sense. As usual."

"Oh, man!" So it was decided. They hung around until dark. Then they, of course, Apparated to Remus' home. Well, Sirius did. James was still on probation and Remus surprisingly failed his test.

The boys woke up next to Remus' house. They were covered in fresh scars and dirt. Sirius woke up first, to everyone's surprise. He groaned.

"Guys, wake up. Time to get back home."

"It's not safe to Apparate with open wounds, Padfoot."

"Moony, we've got to get back. James' Mummy will be worried."

"Like she won't be worried when we get back bloody."

"It doesn't matter. Let's go." James and Sirius helped haul Remus off the ground and with a _pop_ they were gone. Sirius had brought them back to the front door. They crept upstairs to wash off the grime.

"I hate being…what I am." Remus groaned.

"No you don't, Moony. That's what makes you, you."

"Yeah, Yeah. I've heard it all. I just want to collapse somewhere."

"We all do, Moony." Once they were nice and clean, they collapsed. Who would have guessed?

"How are you, James? Sirius? Rem-? What happened to you boys? You look like you've met Lord Voldemort, died, and come back."

"No, Mummy. We're fine. We had to take care of Moony's furry little problem last night."

"Oh, was his rabbit on its period again?" Remus gawked. What had James told his mother?

"Yep. It's a nasty little ball of fluff, that rabbit." Sirius nodded vigorously, his face slightly strained.

"Oh, well then. I trust you remembered to sterilize your wounds, then? Of course you did, you've been through this before. Breakfast- or lunch, rather- will be ready in a few minutes. Come down and get something to eat." She laughed and left.

"It's Soondey!" shouted Sirius the next morning after they had all recuperated.

"No, Padfoot. It's Sunday. And why does it matter anyway?"

"Because I get a new word of the whimpy, that's why! So Moony, what's it gonna be?"

"Umm…We're doing fruit this month….So how about kumquat?"

"Kumquat! Yay!!!"

**Kumquat**: _any of several trees or shrubs of the genus Fortunella bearing small orange-colored edible fruits with thick sweet-flavored skin and sour pulp_

They were all sitting down to breakfast when Mr. Potter walked in and opened the window above the sink. "Daddy, why'd you just open the window?"

"Remember last year, when the owls from Hogwarts flew into it? I'm trying to make sure that doesn't happen again."

"That means our letters are coming today! Yay!!!!!!! Moony, you're going to get your Head Boy letter!"

"No one says I'm getting Head Boy. For all we know, James, _you_ might get it. God forbid that ever happens."

"Why the hell would I get it? Oh, yeah, Dumbledore's going completely insane. I get it." He grinned like an idiot and reapplied himself to his crêpes. Remus had given James's mummy the recipe and she had used it to make banana crêpes, papaya crêpes, etc. They were diverted from this week's kumquat crêpes by a thump against the _other_ kitchen window. "God damn it, they've done it again! Fucking owls!" James's father went to let the stupid or just annoying Hogwarts owls in the window. James ripped his open and stared at the badge inside. "What the _hell_?"

"See, I told you I wouldn't get it," Remus said, looking at the empty except for papers envelope in his hands.

"Uh, Moony? I think they made a mistake. Here you go." James dumped the badge onto Remus's crêpes and opened the first letter. "Oh, no, never mind. Give it back. Actually, on second thoughts, don't and say you got it."

"James? What are you talking about?"

"I DON'T _WANNA_ BE HEAD BOY!!!!!!!!!!!" James screamed and started crying into Sirius's shoulder.

"Prongs, I hate to say it - no wait, I don't- you're destroying my manliness."

"Sorry, Padfoot." James sat up again and stared at the badge as if it was some unappetizing piece of scum and he was a cleanliness-obsessed person (which he wasn't). His mummy walked in and saw the badge on the table in between Remus and James. "Oh, Remus, that's wonderful! Congratulations!"

"Uh, thanks, Mrs. Potter, but it's not mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's, er, well, James's."

"Whose?"

"Mine, Mummy."

"Jamsie? _You_ are the Head Boy for this year?"

"Yes, Mummy." She stared at him for a few seconds before screaming, "OH, _JAMES_! ADDISON, JAMES IS HEAD BOY!" Mr. Potter walked into the kitchen and gave his wife a funny look. "_James_ is Head Boy? _Our_ James? The one who only played pranks and hit on girls last year?"

"Addison! This is too outrageous to be a lie!"

"Mummy!"

"Sorry, James dear."

"Well, congratulations, son. Ah, do your job well."

"'Kay, Daddy." Now that Mr. Potter had spoken, James had to accept the dreadful truth: he was Head Boy.

After breakfast, James was sent down to the grocery store to buy a cake to celebrate him being Head Boy. Once there, he took the well-known route to the cake counter and, to his delight, saw Lily behind the counter. "Hi, Lily."

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"I'm a customer, Lily. You have to be nice to me. Pretend I'm not James." He had a sudden brainstorm. "My name is Leslie! Leslie, uh, Aldridge!" He had used his mummy's parents' last name. "Leslie is a girl's name." James flushed and tried not to be too embarrassed. "No it isn't."

"Yes it is."

"Nuh-uh."

"Whatever, Potter. What do you want?"

"A cake!"

"Which one?"

"I like the one with the icing flowers!"

"Okay…What do you want written on it?" James took out the paper that his mummy had given him and read off of it. "'Congratulations on Head Boy!' That's what Mummy told me to put on it." Lily's face paled. "Congratulations on what?"

"Head Boy! Are any of your friends Head Girl?"

"No." James sighed. "Pity. I would have liked it to be someone I knew." He blinked and focused on Lily. "How about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you Head Girl?" She took a deep breath and mumbled something. "What?"

"YES! I am Head Girl! Unfortunately," she muttered.

"Really?"

"Yes, Potter, really."

"YAY!!!!! Lily's Head Girl!" He did a happy dance before recovering his manly essence and calming down again. "Well, that's the only upside that I can think of."

"Dumbledore must be insane."

"Yeah, that's what I said when Moony denied that he might get it."

"Why _didn't_ Remus get it?"

"We already covered that. Dumbledore's insane."

"Right. Here's your cake." She handed it over. "That'll be 5 pounds please."

"Bye, Lily. See you on the first day of school!" She shuddered. "Just go, Potter." James skipped all the way home, earning himself strange looks from passerby and honks from car drivers who thought he was a really hot girl.

Later that day, Remus went to the grocery store to buy some papayas and kumquats. Obviously, he saw Lily. "Hi, Lily. What are you doing here?"

"I work here, Remus."

"Oh." He stood there for a few seconds before muttering something.

"What?"

"Sorry about last week. You know, the whole kissing James thing."

"Why'd you do that? You know I'd rather do anything other than even touching Potter."

"James."

"James, whatever. Why did you make me kiss him?"

"It was revenge on him, not you. Anyway, you liked it."

"Did not!"

"I'm not arguing about this, Lily. Where are the exotic fruits?" She blinked a few times at the sudden change in topic. "Er, aisle six."

"Thanks. Good afternoon, Lily."

"Bye, Remus." He wandered off to the exotic fruit aisle and began to search for the elusive kumquat.

"Hello, Remus." He spun around. "Hey, you're James's therapist! What are you doing here?"

"I'm human. I need to eat. The kumquats are over there." She pointed.

"Thank you. Wait a second, how did you know I was looking for kumquats?"

"You were screaming the word kumquat over and over. Do you think you need to try a free session?"

"Ah, no, I'm all right."

"I also wanted to let you know that I'm going to the Bahamas tomorrow and I won't be there for James's session. A colleague of mine will be taking care of him. He also has another patient, one who has a slightly different case, but I'm sure they'll get along very well."

"Okay. I'll let him know. Good afternoon."

"Have a good night." James adored his therapist for some incomprehensible reason, as she tended to be extremely violent. Maybe she reminded him of Lily. Remus paid for his fruit and headed back to the Potter house, dreading telling James the news.

James rolled out of bed on Saturday, ready for his therapy. As Remus had predicted, he had been a bit down when he found out that his therapist wouldn't be coming, but unlike at the beginning of his therapy sessions, he could now get over it a lot more quickly. Remus walked him to the bus stop and made sure he actually got on the right one this time. We shall leave him for now and move on to the other person who was sharing his therapy today.

Lily sat down and looked expectantly at Dr. Johnson. He, coincidentally, was Johnny from the cake counter's uncle. "Lily, today we will be having another patient join us. He is being treated for other symptoms, but I'm sure you'll get along well."

"What's his name?" Dr. Johnson had opened his mouth to reply when James walked in.

"Potter, are you stalking me?!" Lily screamed, producing a knife out of nowhere and holding it to his neck.

"Lily! Hand over the knife!"

"Sorry, Dr. Johnson." She reluctantly dropped it into his hand and sat back down again.

"Now apologize to the victim for your outburst."

"Sorry, Potter."

"Invite him to sit down."

"Would you like to sit down, Potter?"

"Uh, okay."

"You must be James Potter! As you probably know, your usual therapist is in the Bahamas, so you are joining Lily today. She's here for anger management, and you're here for…depression, I believe?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now, Lily, I think that James is perfect for today. I want you two to have a nice conversation with each other. James you must try to aggravate Lily as much as possible. Lily, I want you to be polite to James and try to depress him as much as possible. Are you ready? Go on ahead. Pretend that you're having an elegant dinner. Sit down at this table. I'll be your waiter." They sat down hesitantly.

"Good evening. What will you be taking today, sir?"

"I'll have-"

"He'll have squid stuffed with applesauce." Lily was combining two incidents at Hogwarts that had resulted with much embarrassment to James and were a constant source of terror and nightmares still. I won't say what they were. That would be mean. James's lower lip trembled before he realized that he needed to annoy Lily and refuse to be depressed by her.

"My girlfriend will have the chicken in wine." He was also combining two such incidents, except they caused Lily to stab something with a sharp object every time she thought about them. Her fingers leaned towards her steak knife before she realized, _If I stab something, Potter will win. Potter must not win. Therefore, I do not stab._ So, with a great effort of will (or something like that: I don't remember the phrase) Lily smiled politely at James and replied, "Thank you, _honey_. It was ever so kind of you to order for me."

"Oh, the same for you, darling." What was so infuriating was that he could do this easily, without really thinking about it. Oh, that pissed her off. Dr. Johnson moved a short distance off to watch as the exchange of veiled insults and pet names continued.

An hour later, Lily had been called about fifty endearing names, from angel to honeybunch to zebra. She wasn't really sure how that last one fit in, but James had used his most irritatingly flirtatious voice to say it. Her favorite anger management therapist was currently congratulating her on the progress she'd made. Oh dear, he'd just asked her a question. "Sorry, Dr. Johnson. What did you say?"

"I said, how were you able to keep such brilliant control over yourself? Last class I showed you a picture of this young man and you ripped it up into tiny little pieces and then stabbed each into the table with a toothpick. So, what's your secret?"

"If I tell you, it won't be a secret anymore." She grinned with childish glee and crossed her arms.

"Oh, well. It was worth a try. How about you, James? How did you stave off depression?"

"Er…" He wasn't entirely sure how he'd done it. Maybe it was because if Lily had seen him when he wasn't at the pinnacle of manliness, he would have committed suicide. However, he didn't want to alarm the doctor, and decided on, "Well, she wasn't really depressing me that much. She wasn't trying hard enough. Or else she's just bad at it."

"I see. I'm not going to share your symptoms while in front of this young lady, but it seems you have made progress as well! Well, the two of you can leave now. Oh, and Lily?" She turned. "Say hi to Melvin for me."

"Who's Melvin?"

"I could have sworn he said he worked with you at the cake counter. Huh. That's strange."

"Oh, Johnny! Yeah, I'll say hi." As soon as they left, she started giggling into her sleeve. "I can't believe his name is Melvin! I have to make fun of him forever about that." James stared. _Lily is extremely sadistic. I knew she was a little, but after today…_ He watched as she collapsed on the floor, laughing hysterically. _It wasn't that funny. Why is she laughing like that?_ He opened the door to Dr. Johnson's room. "Uh, Dr. Johnson?"

"Yes?"

"Lily's gone crazy. She's lying on the floor and laughing and I'm not sure why."

"I see. I think that the strain of being around you for an hour has been too much for her. Don't worry, Mr. Potter. I will take care of this problem. You may leave." James carefully stepped over Lily's convulsing body and skipped out the door.

"Hey, Prongs?"

"What?"

"When are you and Lily going to start having sex?" James spat out his freshly squeezed kumquat juice all over Sirius.

"_What_ did you just say?"

"Well, you kissed, and she called you James, and she obviously really liked it, so? When's it going to happen? Can I be the godfather of your son? What will you name him? What's he going to look like?" James was too mortified to speak, so Remus answered for him. "Sirius, James and Lily are not going to have children anytime in the near future, as they are both sixteen and not legally adults yet. Now, I would like to finish my lunch without having juice or partially chewed food spat up on me, so if you please?" He went back to calmly slicing up his USCFO (Unidentified Strangely Colored Food Object). "Thanks, Moony. Padfoot, just because you- do that kind of stuff- with every girl you like kissing doesn't mean I do."

"Yeah, you just flirt, kiss, and break up a week later."

"PADFOOT!"

"Shut up, please," Remus muttered. He looked a bit green. "I don't want to hear the details of your lives with girls."

"Just because you don't have one, Moony!" Remus stuck his fingers in his ears and started singing, "I'm not listening, I'm not listening! I can't hear you! Lalala!" This was repeated until Sirius and James started backing away from the table. "You're finished?"

"Whenever you are."

"Good. Well, it's Saturday, so we need a new topic."

"Why?"

"Because tomorrow's the first day of September, or did you forget?"

"I forgot, Moony. What about all our supplies?"

"Mummy, got them, duh Padfoot. She did last year too."

"Oh. So what's our new thing for September?"

"Well, I figured that since school was starting, we could do this Muggle thing called math."

"What's that?"

"You're about to find out. Your first word is addition. We'll go look that up later, because I don't want to listen to you making sexual innuendoes about the definition." Sirius looked so disappointed that one might feel sorry for him if they hadn't known why he was so sad. Then they'd just think he was a pervert. Who didn't know what math was.

Hello, readers. Sorry about the lengthy amount of time that it took to post. We'll try to do better next time, but no guarantees. 


	4. Math

**So sorry for the incredibly long wait, but now you can be happy that the members of PotatoMuffins have finally gotten their act together enough to give you this. Enjoy!**

**Math**

**Addition**: _the process of uniting two or more numbers into one sum, represented by +_

James yawned and sat up. And then he realized something.

"Padfoot! Moony! Wake up! We're going to Hogwarts today!" It took them a few minutes for it to really sink in. Then: "WHOOOOOOOO!! Hogwarts!!"

"Geez, Padfoot. We're all excited. You don't need to get your morning breath in all of our faces."

"Spoil-sport!" Sirius stuck his tongue out at Remus. He just rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. Let's just get some food. I'm starving." James' solution was met with eager murmurings and ferocious nods. So they went downstairs and ate breakfast.

"Oh, crap!" said James. "I forgot to pack!"

"I did too, Prongs, but you don't see me freaking out."

"Well, you two might not have packed, but I did. I have nothing to worry about….except-!! Shit! I forgot to bring my special quill!! And your souvenirs! Dammit!"

"Moony, chill. Just go back to your house and get it."

"One little problem, Padfoot: I can't Apparate!"

"Then I'll take you. Maybe you should go see a therapist like James. But not for depression, for stress management."

"Thanks, Padfoot. I can tell you care."

"That's because I'm so caring. Now let's get some breakfast so I don't have to Apparate on an empty stomach." They all trekked downstairs and promptly stuffed their faces. James started to pack and Sirius and Remus went to Remus' tumbledown home to retrieve his personal effects. Or at least the ones he forgot. Upon their return….

"Okay, guys. Here are your Parisian souvenirs." Remus handed James a keychain shaped like the Eiffel tower flying the French flag and shoved a red, white, and blue mug with the words 'Gay Paris' written in hot pink into his trunk to give to Peter later. He was about to hand over Sirius' present after the remarks about Peter's mug had died down, when James complained. Figures.

"Wait. What the hell am I supposed to do with a keychain? I'm not a Muggle." Remus sighed and exchanged his souvenir for James'. Now Remus was the proud owner of a keychain while James was the proud owner of a post card of the very same Eiffel Tower flying a French flag. Only there were about fifteen owls smothering the structure.

"I had that specially made by the postcard company. Those are all of the owls you sent to me during the mere month that I was gone."

"Awesome," said Sirius. "But where's my present? You didn't forget about me, did you?"

"No, Padfoot. I didn't forget you." He gave Sirius a snow globe with a scene of the Paris streets inside. It was the perfect thing to keep Sirius' four-year-old brain entertained.

"Hey! You gave Prongs a souvenir that was specially made! Why didn't I get one?" Remus sighed and tossed over a Muggle click-top pen.

"Aww!! Thanks Moony! But how do you get it to work?"

"You click the top." Sirius immediately clicked the top and was fascinated. In fact, he couldn't stop clicking it. Well, he had to, to pack, but he quickly resumed clicking after he had messily shoved his clothes and books inside.

"James dear, get on the train! The Head Boy cannot be late!" Remus nodded, agreeing with James' mother. James sighed and dragged his trunks to the Head compartment. Lily was already there, of course.

"Hey Lily."

"Potter."

"Hey, what's with the hostility? I thought we had reached a friendly plateau. Frankly, I'm affronted."

"James Potter!" She sighed. "Yes, we are friends. And I apologize. And since when did you know words like hostility and affronted?"

"Ummm….I actually don't know." Lily was in the middle of rolling her eyes when she yelped. Sirius had just bounded into the compartment and somehow confused Lily for James, wrapping her in a crushing hug.

"BLACK!! Get off of me right now!!"

"Wha-? Oh. Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!" He backed away and ran behind James.

"Padfoot. What are you doing in here?"

"Oh, right, that. I would like to invite Evans to share the train ride with us in our compartment once you have all had your meeting-thingy."

"Yes, Lily. You will come, won't you?"

"You'll make a great addition to the hyper atmosphere."

"Okay…..You guys are creeping me out with all of this sophisticated language…. But sure, I guess I can sit with you."

"YAY!!" James and Sirius shouted at the same time.

"Hey, Prongs. Did you notice that I used my totally awesome new word of the whimpy?"

"Yes, I did. And might I say that you did a fine job."

"Prongs, is something wrong with you?"

"Okay, guys. Black, get out. Potter, stop with the creepy etiquette-y stuff. You're scaring me and you'll scare the prefects, too."

"Sorry. Erm, my mother told me to be polite and sophisticated and erm stuff."

"Right, sure. Here come the Prefects. Hello!" she called as they entered. They ambled their way through the door and sat down to listen to what Head Boy and Girl had to say.

"Potter? Potter. Potter, hello?"

"Wha-? Oh sorry. I must have drifted off. Did I miss much?" He looked around, disgruntled to see that everyone had gone but himself and Lily.

"Not really. I just went over the rules. You should know them since you break them all the time. Now are we going or not?"

"Oh, right. Sorry." He rose, his joints stiff from being in the same position for over an hour. When they got there, Sirius greeted them with whoops, hollers, and a great big hug for James. Remus absently waved, unawares of anything going on outside of the pages of his book. Peter would have said hello if his face wasn't stuffed with chocolate. Lily sat down on the other side of Remus, which was unfortunately right across from James.

"So." She said.

"So."

"Aww! You guys are no fun! Talk about something. Oooh! I have an idea. Ever since I read _Bunny and Doggy Go Toilet Training_, I've been able to go potty _in_ the potty all the time!"

"Me too!" shouted James.

"What a thrillingly deep conversation this is."

"I know, right?" Sirius pulled the book in question out of his….trousers?

"What was that book doing down your pants, Padfoot?"

"I don't know. But isn't it cool?"

"No, it's gross, Black." And Lily maneuvered the conversation to more pleasant subjects- with the help of Remus.

"Ah, we're here at last." They crowded in the large oak doors with the rest of the students. And naturally, they all sat down at the table, waiting to stuff their faces with delicious Hogwarts food. They sat through the Sorting and Dumbledore's speech and finally they were able to stuff their faces….with delicious Hogwarts food. Lily and James went to go find the Head Tower while the other Marauders went to the Gryffindor Tower to stuff their faces some more, but this time with 'real snacks' as Sirius called them.

"Eew! We have classes today," whined Sirius.

"Oh, just get up, Padfoot." They went down to get some breakfast and, unfortunately, their timetables. James and Lily were nowhere to be found. Sirius had to be dissuaded from his disturbing theories. Finally they came down and Lily was rather distressed that she was still sharing almost all of her classes with the Marauders. Except for Arithmancy, she only shared that with Remus. And he was okay.

"Ugh. We've got Double Potions with Slughorn today." Lily was repulsed by the Potions Master. So they walked down to the chilly dungeons to find none other than the four potions the Professor always had brewing on the first days of school. But instead of quizzing them all, he told them to copy the recipe for one of them, what it did, and how to counter its effects. Lily and Remus immediately got out their quills and parchment while Slughorn separated each of the Marauders. Lily, fortunately, was assigned the same potion as Remus. After a few minutes, there was a commotion over by Sirius' potion. What a surprise.

"Stupid quill! You're not working! Why aren't you working? I've been clicking you for the past two minutes and nothing!" Remus rolled his eyes.

"Padfoot, only the Muggle pen I gave you clicks and works. You need an inkwell for your quill."

"Oh. I feel stupid now." Lily rolled here eyes.

"He's only just now feeling stupid?" she said in a conspiratorial tome to Remus.

"It's Sirius we're talking about."

"Oh, right." And they went back to work until…

"Addition! My word of the whimpy is used in almost every sentence! YAY!!"

"Padfoot! Shut up and work already!" Shouted James. Sirius started to work again right away. Finally, Potions was over and the rest of their day could go smoothly, which, surprisingly, it did.

"Oi! Potter!"

"Morning, Lily." James said amiably at the breakfast table the next day.

"I was thinking we should do something special for the students this year to take Voldemort off of our minds. Heads Meeting tonight after supper?"

"Yeah, sounds like a great idea." And the two went their separate ways until after dinner.

"So, Lily. What did you have in mind?" James sat down across from Lily in the Heads Common Room.

"Well we could do something for Halloween or Christmas. I'd like to go with Christmas, right before holidays. It's generally a happier event and it'll give us more time to plan."

"I agree wholeheartedly. So how about we start with decorations?" he suggested.

"We'll already have the trees and their ornaments, so maybe some streamers and extra garlands hanging about?"

"Sounds good. How about we have the four tables along each wall and for food we could have specially shaped cookies."

"Ooh! And chocolate-covered pretzels too!" James gave her a funny look. "What? They're salty and sweet, it's the perfect combination," Lily said defensively.

"Whatever."

"So, music, next, right? Then any special activities."

"Okay. Wait, are you actually taking notes?" Lily was indeed scribbling madly.

"I don't want to forget anything. So what did you have in mind for music?"

"Umm, well there are all the popular bands. And we could do a karaoke type thing too. And dancing, obviously. Oh, and, um. Yeah I can't think of anything else."

"That's fine we do have until Christmas."

"So are we done for the night? Pad-Sirius and I are going to practice for the Hufflepuff game in two weeks."

"Don't let Black break anything." Lily stayed and worked on homework like a typical nerd while Potter went to spend time with his friends on the pitch like a typical jock. James came back late to find a sleeping Lily slumped over a Muggle Studies essay. He took the quill and parchment and set them on the table. He picked her up in his arms with all the care of a father with a child and carried her up to her room to set her down in her bed, tucking the covers around her.

"Goodnight my Lilyflower."

Lily woke up confused. The last thing she remembered was working on her essay. She got up and went downstairs to discover her unfinished essay, quill, and ink still on the table. She must have nodded off. And Ja-Potter must have taken her upstairs when he came back. That certainly wasn't like him. She shrugged and put her things away, heading down to breakfast shortly afterwards. She passed by the Marauders and walked as fast as she could to the opposite end of the table, trying to hide the blush that had just crept onto her cheeks without her permission. She ate hardly anything, but made up for it after Defense Against the Dark Arts when she snuck into the kitchens during her free period where she ate and finished that essay. Meanwhile, James and Sirius were putting their free period to good use. Just kidding. Sirius kept asking James about his kiss with Lily at the sleepover. James was trying to pointedly ignore him, but Sirius was too thickheaded to get the message.

"Oh, go eat air, Padfoot."

"Okay!" A series of gulps issued from his mouth as he backed up into the wall. "Look at me, Prongs! I'm eating air!"

"Good for you, Padfoot." Sirius promptly burped and staggered sideways. He kept trying to eat something immaterial and fell out the window.

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!" James started and looked out side in time to see Sirius hit with a thud.

"Holy shit! What have I done?"

"Padfoot. You're awake, finally. Are you all right?"

"I fell 16 meters. How do you think I feel?" **(A/n: 16m is roughly the same as 53 feet)**

"Stupid question, sorry. Madame Pomfrey says you'll be fine in a day or two."

"How long's it been?"

"It's Thursday and you've been out for 24 hours straight."

"Thanks for that, Moony. So I've got to sit here for two days while you get to go to class?"

"Padfoot, you hate classes."

"But at least you guys are there."

"True. But you'll have your work to do."

"Oh yeah, that makes me feel loads better." So Sirius sat in the hospital wing all alone except for 20 minute visits where Remus dropped off his work and updated him on stuff. Without Sirius, the other Marauders were very bored. At least James could stare at Lily. And Peter always had food to comfort him. Sirius was still laying there on Saturday, but his friends were able to stay longer. Remus taught him how to do math.

"So addition is when you take one number, add it to another, and find the total number. Get it?"

"Yes, Moony. I didn't read the definition in Prongsie's dictionary for nothing." Remus scowled while James just sniggered.

"Okay. So what's 2+2?"

"Uh….three?"

"No. Okay, let's use something to count with." Remus looked around.

; "Wormtail, give Moony your Bertie Botts."

"Oh... all right." The little rat-boy handed over his box of candy reluctantly. Remus set two pairs of beans on the table beside Sirius' bed.

"Two plus two is what?"

"Uh….one, two, three, four. FOUR!! I did it! YAY!!" Sirius was so excited that he drew Madam Pomfrey out of her office.

"For heaven's sake, Mr. Black. Will you calm down? You're not the only one in here. Mr. Snape is here as well." Seeing the glint in Sirius' eye caused her to add, "And you are not to bother him. I'll be making sure you don't try anything stupid. And to make sure, you are free to go. You seem to have recovered enough."

"YAY!!" Sirius shut up immediately at the healer's stern glare. The Marauders left with Sirius trying to puzzle out simple addition problems on the way to the Gryffindor Common Room.

"It's Soondey! I get a new word! And a weekend, finally! I can feel human again!"

"Christ Padfoot. Calm down. I think that fall left your brain severely damaged."

"What are you all yelling about? Calm down or you'll wake Peter."

"Oh, right. Moony, what's my new word gong to be?"

"Umm, well we did addition, how about subtraction?"

"Okay!"

**Subtraction**: _the operation or process of finding the difference between two numbers or quantities, denoted by a minus sign (−)_

"Whee!" Plop. "Whee!" Plop. "Whee!" Plop. "Wh-"

"Padfoot, what the hell are you doing?" Sirius looked up.

"Jumping off of the bed."

"And what are you jumping off of the bed onto?"

"This weird Muggle thing. It's called Jell-O. It's bright green!" James rolled off his bed and stared at the wading pool beside Sirius's bed. We're not going to explain how the wading pool got there because the story's too long. It involves monkeys and doll houses. Anyway, Sirius sat there in the Jell-O smiling at James. "Er, okay. And, uh, what do you do with it?"

"You eat it!"

"You don't eat that stuff!"

"Yes you do. Moony told me. He learned about it in Muggle Studies. Look, he has a diagram!" Sirius produced a picture out of his tights and handed it to James. It showed a person sitting at a table eating a small cup of the so-called "Jell-O" with a spoon. "All right, I believe you." He looked at Sirius for the first time. "Jesus Christ, Padfoot, why the fuck are you wearing tights?!"

"That's what Muggles do when they eat Jell-O. Look at the picture." Sure enough, the person in the picture was wearing tights. But: "Padfoot, this is a picture of a _girl_. Girls wear tights. Boy's don't. Go change."

"No, you go! It's Monday, by the way." James turned and stared at the clock. "IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK! OH, CRAP, IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK! I'VE SLEPT FOR THE WHOLE DAY!" Remus walked into the room, drying his hair with a towel. "Is something wrong, James?"

"Is something wrong? IS SOMETHING WRONG? Moony, it's 5:00 and I've been asleep all day!"

"James, it's 5:00 _A.M_. Not 5:00 P.M. You didn't sleep all day. Though you probably should get up."

"Oh." He was about to walk into the bathroom when he turned and pointed at Remus accusingly. "YOU!"

"Me what?"

"You're trying to make me wake up before I need to by hiring Padfoot to do weird things that make me forget the time! Why are you doing this to me?"

"I'm not doing anything, James. Calm down and go use the bathroom." James gave Remus a suspicious glance and carefully sidled in. Once they were sure he was gone, Remus and Sirius exchanged high fives. "Good job, Sirius. Here's your ten Sickles, as promised."

"Thanks for not _subtracting_ anything from my pay for him getting suspicious. I just used my word!"

"Great. Keep it up for the rest of the week and you'll be fine." They proceeded to engage in their morning activities until James came out. "Hey, Remus?"

"What do you want to know about Lily, James?"

"How'd you know I was going to ask about Lily?"

"You only call me Remus when we're talking about Lily. It's kind of sad, actually."

"Oh. I should stop that, shouldn't I? Anyway, do you know when Lily usually wakes up in the morning?"

"No, I do not. Why do you ask? I suppose you want to impress her by being at breakfast earlier than usual."

"Maybe…"

"CAKE!!" Sirius went soaring out the window. "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-" Splat. James and Remus dashed to the window and looked down the rather large amount of space that separated Sirius from them. "Sirius! Don't move!" He glared at them from his precarious perch on a window ledge. "Wasn't planning on it, Moony dearest. Please hurry up." James ran from the room and sprinted down the stairs to the Gryffindor common room, crashing through a pack of terrified first years. "Sorry!" he shouted and continued onwards. The Fat Lady yelled obscenities after him as he knocked her portrait out of the way and slid down the banisters of the stairways down to the first floor. There, his haphazard voyage ended as he slammed into a random seventh-year girl at the bottom of the stairs and went flying. Remembering Quidditch lessons, he curled into a ball and hit the ground safely. "Sorry, are you okay?" he asked, turning to face the redheaded girl he'd hit.

"Potter! Why were you going down the stairs that quickly anyway?"

"Padfoot just jumped out the window."

"_Again_? That's the second time in two weeks. Why does Madam Pomfrey let him out of the hospital wing at all?"

"She's hoping in vain that he'll never come back. Okay, I have to go."

"I'll come with you. I was on my way to breakfast, but I can wait."

"'Kay, thanks." They both started racing dangerously above the speed limit of Hogwarts hallways towards the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey's healing solutions.

"Sirius Black, if you jump out of one more window, I'm afraid we'll have to transfer you to St. Mungo's. In the meantime, here are some pamphlets on suicide that you may wish to look at." Sirius took the brochures from her and flipped through them. "10 Reasons _Not_ to Commit Suicide, Depression and You, Subtracting Sadness From Your Life. Hey, this one has my word!" He started reading happily and it was decided that he would be occupied for the next few hours, so James and Lily left Remus with Sirius and went to eat breakfast. "Potter, we're having a Prefect meeting at eight tonight. Head Tower. You will be there at seven forty-five. Any questions?"

"No, ma'am. Why is there a meeting?"

"We need to talk about the Christmas thing, remember?"

"Oh, right! I remember now! 'Kay, I'll be there at seven forty foo five."

"Wait, wha-? Never mind. See you."

At seven forty (foo) five, James showed up in the Head Tower. "I'M HERE!" he roared into the empty space.

"Okay, I'm in the bathroom! I'll be right down!" Lily called. She was down in two minutes with a piece of parchment and a quill. "Wow, Potter, you're actually on time. At seven forty foo five. Congratulations."

"See? I am mature when I choose to be."

"Good. The next task you have to do is choose to be mature more often. And for longer periods of time. Think you can do that?"

"Sure! Anything for you, Lily!"

"_What_?" She glared at him and hefted the textbook that had appeared out of nowhere.

"Stop being so threatening! Friends do stuff for friends, right? And we've reached a friendly plateau, right? So stop waving that thing at me!" Lily looked at her other hand and realized that she was brandishing her wand at James. "Whoops. Anyway, let's move on from that incident and try to be mature. We need to let the Prefects know about the plans for Christmas and give them things that they need to get done before the ball."

"Whatever you say." The next eleven minutes were spent splitting work up between the prefects before the aforementioned young victims made their appearance. The first knock at the portrait came at eight exactly. As soon as all eight prefects were there, James fell asleep.

James climbed onto the table and began to belly dance, a seductive outfit appearing on him by magic. Lily watched, clapping as the music that Sirius was playing got louder and wilder. Remus was kissing Peter passionately and Peter was attempting to get the chocolates that Remus had in his butt pocket, which Remus seemed to take as encouragement. Turning away from this slightly disturbing image, James hopped off the table, magically changing into an amazingly hot pink bikini. Sirius winked at him and kept playing the didgeridoo that he'd found somewhere. A random rhinoceros crashed into James's shoulder. "Oi, Potter, wake up!" it shouted into his ear.

"_Shut up, random rhinoceros! I'm having a good time right now and I am _not_ asleep! Leave me alone!"_

"_Potter, don't call me a rhinoceros or I swear, I'll beat the shit out of you until there is no longer shit to beat out! Wake up!" _James's eyes opened abruptly and registered Lily's fist coming straight at his nose. "Aah, stop!"

"Okay, you're awake. The prefects are gone. What were you dreaming about?"

"Er…nothing?"

"I don't think I want to know."

"Probably not." They sat in silence for a few minutes. "I'd better go to bed," James said half-heartedly. The couch was so comfy… "Yeah, you probably should. Good night." She spun around and walked up the stairs. James pulled himself up and wandered out to Gryffindor Tower.

"Moony! Teach me how to subtract!"

"Okay. Peter, give me some candy." Peter handed over ten Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans sadly and then devoured the rest before Remus could try to take them too.

"Okay, Sirius. Here are five beans. Don't eat them."

"Don't worry; you gave me the ones I hate."

"Good. I have five beans, you have five. If you take one of mine, how many do I have?"

"Er, one, two, three, four, five, six. I have six!"

"How many do _I_ have?"

"Uh, one, two, three, four. You have four!"

"So if you subtract one from five, how many do you have?"

"Four! Yay!" Sirius promptly ate all ten beans. "Ew, Moony?"

"What?"

"I got an icky flavor." He attempted to swallow all except for the icky flavor and choked. "Moony!" he gagged. "Moony-I-can't-breathe!"

"Shit! Peter, watch him! I'll go get Madam Pomfrey!" Remus ran out of the common room and forgot to stop before he went over the top of the stairs and tumbled down seven stories, right on top of Slughorn.

"Remus John Lupin! I can understand Sirius trying to kill himself, but you! You're going to need to go to therapy as soon as you recover from your fall. Sirius, I'm sending you to St. Mungo's!"

"No, Madam Pomfrey, it's an accident. Peter says that Sirius was trying not to swallow one of the beans and Remus just forgot to stop before reaching the edge of the stairs!" James explained. "You really don't need to do anything about them. They just don't have any common sense!"

"Thanks, James."

"Yeah, thanks, Prongs."

"I'm trying to save your asses, guys, so shut up."

"All right, Mr. Potter, but if there's just one more case of near death, they are getting treatment."

"Okay."

"Jesus, Moony, you have way too much homework. Drop some classes!"

"No! I can keep up with this. Just give me my homework."

"Do you live on homework, Moony?" Sirius asked as James dropped a load of textbooks onto Remus's bedside table.

"Of course not!" He set to work, scribbling furiously.

"Moony, it's Soondey! What's my new word?"

"Uh, you've mastered addition and subtraction, so how about multiplication?"

"Okay!"

**Multiplication:**___Arithmetic. A mathematical operation, symbolized by a × b, a · b, a __ b, or ab, and signifying, when a and b are positive integers, that a is to be added to itself as many times as there are units in b; the addition of a number to itself as often as is indicated by another number, as in 2×3 or 5×10._

"How is anyone supposed to understand that long definey?"

"Once you know how to do multiplication, it's relatively easy to understand it. Would you like to start?"

"Ew no. It's Monday. Monday's not a thinking day. Why don't we come up with new ways to wake up James and make him think he's going crazy?"

"Sure, why not. Um, do you have any ideas? Your pranks are generally better than mine."

"That's because you're a stick in Niffler dung, Moony. Ooh! I know! Why don't we get Lily to come up with us and make him think she hates him?!"

"Yes. It's cruel, but it would be hilarious."

"Who thought of it?!" Sirius asked, making his large ego known.

"You did."

"That's right. Now, we should go wake him up. But not with the whole Lily thing. We need to talk to her first, right?"

"Duh, Padfoot. Duh."

"Anyway…..let's go."

James woke to the splat of Jell-O and a cool, stickiness on his legs.

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!! What are you doing, Padfoot?!"

"I'm just making good use of last week's Jell-O."

"Yeah, since you contaminated it with your man-tights."

"Hey! They looked good on me. Everything looks good on me." Sirius flipped his hair over his shoulder in a super-model-like fashion.

"No, Padfoot. You're just girly."

"Hey! I resent that!"

"No one cares."

"Fine!" Sirius took another handful of Jell-O and aimed for James' face, barely giving him time to scream. But he did.

"EEEEEKKK!"

"Well, it appears Padfoot's not the only one who's girly." Remus remarked from atop his bed where he was already digging into a new book.

"Shut up, Moony. I'm getting up, Padfoot, so you can stop Jell-O-ing me."

"But it's fun!"

"Yeah, and I'm going to go take a shower, so get rid of it."

"Okay! I'll feed it to the plants in greenhouse 13."

"There is no greenhouse 13," Remus informed him.

"Yes there is. It's greenhouse six and seven put together. See Moony? I can still do addition."

"Yes, I can tell. But you need to learn multiplication this week."

"But multiplication sounds icky."

"That's because it is a part of life and life is icky." James said, stepping out of the bathroom.

"Deep, Prongs, deep." Remus sat in half amusement and half confusion until he was smacked upside the head by…

"Padfoot! You couldn't have just called my name? Now you've got to kill me, too?"

"No, Moony. He's got to kill himself, first."

"Shut up, Prongs. No one cares." And the three left after James was dressed, leaving Peter to sleep until Transfiguration that afternoon.

"Mr. Pettigrew, where have you been?"

"Sorry Professor McGonagall. I slept late."

"That is no excuse. Hogwarts schedules do not abide by your time, Take your seat. Maybe Mr. Snape will be kind enough to assist you."

"Yes ma'am." Peter went around to the empty seat next to the detestable Slytherin with a scowl on his face. He was met with a similar one as he sat.

"Just do the spell right and let's get this over with." Peter nodded and tried to get the spell right. It didn't happen. "Ugh. I've seen better from Mudbloods!" Snape said at the end of class.

"Watch it Snivellus, or there might have to be a repeat of fifth year." James said warningly.

"Remember that? You know: soap, gray underpants. You wouldn't want people to know that you still haven't washed them, would you?" Sirius gladly joined in. But the boys' insults were short-lived. Snape pushed past them, hitting James hard in the shoulder as he went.

"Potter, you shouldn't be mean to him." Lily said, reproach in her tone.

"But he's creepy and he called you a Mudblood."

"He calls everyone a Mudblood. Leave him be."

"Fine."

"You really should be kinder, you guys. Snape's a good wizard," Peter said.

"Yeah, but he's a dark one. Stay away from him, Wormtail."

"Whatever." And they headed down to the kitchens for their free period.

"Padfoot. If I have two sets of three, how many cauldron cakes do I have?"

"Um…one, two, three…..six!" Sirius was actually learning in his spare time. Who would have guessed?

"So what's three times two?"

"Six!"

"Good. Now if I add another set of three, what's three times three?"

"Seven, eight, NINE!! I can do multiplication! And I just used my word! And I can eat the cauldron cakes!" It had been twenty minutes since their food had been made by the house elves and Sirius was getting hungry from thinking so hard.

"Good job, Padfoot. But you still need to work on it a bit."

"Okay! As long as I get more food!" He was such a child sometimes.

On Wednesday morning, Lily came into the boys' dormitory.

"So are we ready to start?" she whispered.

"Yep." Sirius replied, pulling a box of Fire Whiskey from under his bed. He removed a few bottles and drained them in two minutes. He passed them around and Lily took that as her cue.

"Potter can be such an arse. Like that time in third year when he dyed your hair pink." Sirius nodded.

"Yeah. I hated him for a few days."

"Well I hate him every day." By this time, James' dreams were becoming blurred with the conversation.

"You really shouldn't hate him, he's a good guy." Remus reminded her.

"Good guy?! He asked me out ten times every day until the beginning of last year! Do you know how annoying it gets? He tortures Severus and he pulls pranks on innocent people. He's cruel and heartless." James was fully awake now, lying behind his bed curtains, his self esteem slowly sinking. "Anyway, I'd better get back to my dorm. They'll still be asleep and I don't want any questions. Ta-ta." Lily pushed herself off the floor and chucked her bottle into the little used waste basket in the corner. When she was gone, James sat up and got out of his bed. He went to the bathroom and vomited.

"I can't believe she hates me," he said when he returned.

"She doesn't hate you, man."

"Hello! You were fricken having a conversation with her about it. I'm going to back to bed. Don't wake me up. I'd like to die in my sleep, thank you."

"Prongs, it's time for classes."

"Don't try that with me again."

"Do you want to look at the clock?" Sirius chucked it at his best mate's head.

"Okay, it's morning. But she still hates me. You guys go to class. I'm staying here to figure out a way to kill myself."

"Whatever, Prongs."

When they got back for the night, they saw a torn sheet hanging from the ceiling, a broken Fire Whiskey bottle covered in blood, a piece of broken antler embedded in the wall, and a very miserable James Potter lying an the floor with empty bottles surrounding him and dried blood along his wrists. It stank like burning socks and a green mist filled the room.

"Merlin, Prongs! You can't be serious." Remus cried.

"Yeah, that's my job!" Just guess who said that.

"Of course I'm serious. The woman I love thinks I'm a heartless bastard. I have no more reason to live."

"Okay, guys. I have a plan," Sirius remarked triumphantly. He pitched his voice higher and turned to James. "Don't smile, Prongsie-poo. Don't smile!" He wore a very large and disturbing grim on his face. James pitched his voice the same way and responded with, "It's not working, Padfoot. It's not working, so take your creepy grin and shove it up your arse."

"Fine, be that way," Sirius' voice returning to normal. "We'll just have to tell you the truth. Moony, would you care to start?"

Within a few minutes, the dorm was a shambles; with James trying to beat the you-know-what out of Sirius and Remus at the same time. As you can imagine, it wasn't really working.

"That's not something to joke about you imbeciles!"

"We know that now! Get off of me! MMPH!" Remus's lip was bloodied in an instant. All of a sudden, Lily walked in.

"James Leslie Potter! Stop beating them up at once!" Everyone in the room froze, looking towards the door where a very angry seventh year redhead stood.

"But-!"

"I know very well why you're beating them up. For Merlin's sake the whole of Gryffindor House knows why. It was a joke and if you lay another finger on them, I really will think that you are cruel and heartless." James immediately let go of them and stood. With a flick of her wand, Lily organized the room. Seeing the bloodied remains of the Fire Whiskey bottle and James' scabby wrists, she rolled her eyes.

"James Potter, you are insufferable. I'm flattered, but you really shouldn't have tried to kill yourself over me."

"Yeah, Prongs. You're a waste of Fire Whiskey."

'Shut up, Black. Now, Potter, here's a list of the work you missed. If you don't have that Herbology essay done by Friday, I'll be upset. You've had a week and a half to do it. Now get to work." Lily left the room to leave James to his work. Sirius sniggered and was met with a smack to the forehead from Remus. James sighed, resigned to his doom.

"So, Potter. How's the essay going?" Lily queried Friday morning at breakfast.

"I'm finished, as you requested." James answered, surprisingly mature.

"Frankly, I'm astounded." Just then, Sirius bounded through the doors.

"IT'S FRIESDAY!! WOOT!!" Everyone just rolled their eyes and went back to their meals. Sirius skipped down the length of the Gryffindor table and flopped into a seat next to Peter, much to the chubby, rat-faced boy's discomfort. At eight forty-five, they headed down to the greenhouses. Aside from Frank Longbottom almost getting eaten by a strange breed of carnivorous plant, the last day of lessons that week was uneventful.

"It's Soondey! Moony, wake up!" Sirius whined.

"Go away, Padfoot."

"But Moony! It's time for a new word! And I have finished multiplication _and_ division! I need a new word!"

"Fine. How about quadratic equation?"

"Okay! My new word is kwedrayticuision!" Remus just rolled his eyes at the hopelessness of it all.

"Padfoot, stop screaming and go look it up."

"Geez, Prongs! You're such a spoilsport in the mornings." Sirius rifled through the mounds of useless junk for the dictionary anyway.

**Quadratic Equation**: Mathematics_. An equation containing a single variable of degree 2. Its general form is ax__2__ + bx + c 0, where x is the variable and a, b, and c are constants (a ≠ 0)._

"Moony! What's a kwadraycusion?"

"Shut the hell up, Padfoot! It's four in the frigging morning! I wanna sleep!"

"Way to go, Moony," James said, annoyed and tired. "You woke me up too. And you cursed. Ish. Sort of. Anyway, I'm awake, so tell us. What _is_ a kwadreewhatsit?"

"I don't care. Leave me alone and let me sleep!" Remus turned over and watched the wall. It didn't move, but odd thumps protruded from it. No. That wasn't right. Noises didn't protrude. Protrusions protruded. Was protrusion a word? What was Padfoot saying now?

"Get up or I'll jump on you!" Aha. Remus sat up quite quickly, admiring his super use of alliteration as he did so.

"Okay, I'm up. Now what?"

"Let's have a party!"

"…"

"A math party!"

"…a math...party? Hmm…okay!" Remus said like the bright young child that he was.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think I must just be in mild shock from you suggesting a math party, but okay!"

"Fabulous!"

"Scandalous!"

"What the hell, James?"

"Well, it rhymes." James and Sirius were at the door before Remus noticed something rather disturbing.

"Holy shit, put on some friggin' clothes!"

"I think being awake at four in the morning brings out the true Marauder in you, Remy-dearest," Sirius replied affectionately. "Why would we need anything other than these totally hip boxers in the morning? Besides, they're quite snug around my pelvis!"

"Your pelvis?"

"I've been reading the P section of the dictionary. P as in Padfoot."

"Ah."

"Hey! What about Prongs?" James said, a bit hurt.

"Oh right! You don't matter as much though."

"I do to Lily!"

"Dude, she hates you. Get over it."

"Nice pep talk, Sirius."

"Of course. Getting back to the boxers, you cannot find ones these cool anywhere else!" Sirius had on violently hot pink boxers with little purple hearts on them. If you pressed a button on the waistband, it would play Jingle Bells. James had light blue ones with dark blue Power Rangers on them. If he pressed a button on the waistband, they played Winter Wonderland. They were insulated. James's mummy had bought them as part of a set for all four Marauders. Peter's didn't fit, although they were quite snappy. They were banana yellow with lime green butterflies on them. The music that accompanied them was Sleigh Ride.

"Um…"

"Okay! Let's go! Get up, Moony!" Remus reddened as he got out, not only because of the design on his boxers, but because he accidentally hit the button when he rolled over. The 'delicate' tunes of Jingle Bell Rock filled the air and made the other two boys giggle. Not that they wouldn't have giggled just seeing Remus' underwear, (they were red with roses on them) but this distracted them from it. Eventually, the music stopped and Remus' strange urge to start dancing to it (like he did at home when he was alone) disappeared. The boys were finally able to leave, James' and Sirius' giggles abating.

The boys wound their way through the castle, their journey ending at a large painting of fruit. Sirius promptly tickled the pear. He grabbed the handle that appeared there and held it open for the other two in a rare show of manners.

"Ah! Masters Black, Potter, and Lupin! So good to see you! What can we prepare for you?" The three were very quickly surrounded by house elves wearing mismatched clothing as they were wont to do.

"Well, good morning to you! We'll have a large chocolate cake with buttercream frosting that says- in bright colors-'Happay Math Partay!', some cream puffs, and any candy you might have!" Sirius directed them.

"I'll have a few chocolate chip cookies," Remus put in.

"Ooh! And chocolate crepes!" James added, drawing odd stares from his friends.

"What? Crepes are friggin delicious!" They cast him more odd looks before shrugging. A house elf returned to them, hauling a rather large basket filled with sweets such as cauldron cakes, chocolate frogs, licorice wands, Bertie Bott's beans, and Drooble's Blowing Gum. Sirius' eyes almost popped out of his head as he lunged for the basket. He nearly knocked over the poor elf who was delivering it, but Remus was right there to steady her with a strong, kind hand.

"Honestly, Black. You'd think you'd be little more wary of the harm you might cause others. And Why the hell are you all wearing nothing but boxers?"

"Oh, morning, Evans!" Sirius said cheerily, ignoring her chastising. Lily rolled her eyes, then waved to Remus and James, stifling a yawn.

"What are you doing here?"

"Why do you ask? Does it _bother_ you, Potter?"

"No, I was just wondering…"

"I like to wake up early occasionally to finish up any homework I haven't done."

"Yeesh, Evans. You're such a nerd."

"Shut up, Padfoot. I do the same thing," Remus said. Lily looked at him gratefully. He shrugged. "Padfoot here _insisted_ that we not take time away from the party by getting dressed." The house elf who brought the candy around came to ask or what she wanted.

"I'll have a ham and cheese omelet and a glass of milk if it's not too much trouble, thank you Lucy."

"Whatever Miss Lily asks for, Lucy will give." The little elf trotted off to a cooler in search of eggs.

"So what are you lot doing here so early? Did I hear something about a party?"

"We're having a MATH PARTAY!" Sirius shouted. Lily looked at him strangely.

"Does this have something to do with his word of the week?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Remus informed her. She nodded, casting Sirius a concerned look. James had been standing there the whole time, not having said a word. _That's unusual for Potter_, Lily thought. In fact, it was kind of creeping her out. So she said something.

"Morning, Potter."

"Huh- what?" He obviously was not quite completely awake yet.

"Good morning, Potter."

"Oh, yeah. Good morning." Lucy came back over, laden with plates.

"Your omelet, Miss Lily, chocolate chip cookies for Mister Lupin, and chocolate crepes for Mister Potter."

"Thank you Lucy. You didn't have to make bacon or toast for me."

"It was no trouble, Miss Lily. Lucy loves to cook." Lily smiled and took her plates from the elf's hands. Remus followed suit.

"Potter, don't just stand there. Take your plate from Lucy."

"Oh, right, sorry." He walked over and took the plate off the little elf's hands. He took a seat next to Sirius, still occupied with his fatigue. He picked up his fork and sat there. Lily looked at him strangely.

"No one's going to feed you, Potter. Snap out of it and eat." He shook his head and seemed to finally wake up. Lily rolled her eyes and started eating. When Sirius had his fill of candy, he wiped off his mouth and got up to stroll around, his short attention span preventing him from staying at the table like a normal human being. Unfortunately, while he was exploring the kitchens, the cake just had the last letter drawn onto it and six house elves were trying to carry it over, as it was easily two meters long.

"Why is it so big?" Lily asked, thinking that the creatures worked too hard for their own good.

"We aim to please, Miss Lily," one of them said. She sighed, knowing that the house elves would never stop acting inferior to wizards. Sirius laid eyes on the cake and went berserk.

"CAAAAAAAAAKE!!" He raced for the cake in much the same manner as he had for the candy earlier on. Remus stopped him with a rather annoying arm in his path.

"Sirius, sit." Sirius stopped, but gave Remus a look that said '_You've got to be kidding me'_. Remus proffered a cookie.

"If you sit, I'll give you a cookie," he said like someone trying to train a dog. Sirius considered for a moment, then he noticed the cake again.

"I don't want your _skanky cookie_! I want _CAKE_!!" He made to grab the cake again, but Remus stopped him once more.

"Be a good boy and sit at the table patiently. If you grab, you'll make the house elves drop it. Then no one gets cake." Sirius cast a last wistful glance towards the cake before Remus turned him around and pushed him towards the table. Lily stood to help the house elves. She told them to set it down on a nearby counter so Sirius wouldn't make a mess. Once it was steady on the countertop, Lily cut the cake for them herself, making sure to give Sirius a large amount (roughly the size of his head) so he wouldn't throw a fit. After he had devoured that piece and many others, (his intake monitored somewhat carefully by Remus) Sirius finally remembered the reason for their early presence in the kitchen.

"Moony! We're having a math partay and you haven't taught me one bit about what a kwadraycusion is!!"

"Oh, sorry."

"Sorry? You should be ashamed of yourself, Mister! You are not fulfilling your word of the whimpy duties!"

"Haha! You said duties!" James said immaturely from the other side of the table. Lily and Remus rolled their eyes while Sirius burst into giggles.

"Sirius? Are we going to teach you math or not?"

"YAY!! MATH!!"

"I never thought I'd hear those words from you." Lily said incredulously.

"The word of the week has done amazing things," James agreed, nodding gravely.

"Indeed it has. Well, let's get this party going, then, shall we?" Sirius started cheering, before Remus grabbed his arm and yanked him onto the stool next to him. He had pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill and was scribbling down equations that got steadily longer and more confusing to Sirius.

"Moony! This quadratic equation junk is too confusing! My brain hurts!"

"That sounds more like Sirius," Lily murmured to James. He nodded, bringing a forkful of cake to his mouth.

"Fine, Sirius. We've got the whole week to work on it. Go eat your cake," Remus said tiredly.

"YAYYYY!! CAAAAAKE!! WOOOOOT!!" Sirius skipped happily over to the counter where he greedily grabbed handfuls of cake and shoved them into his mouth, icing getting smeared all over his face. Lily rolled her eyes, slightly disgusted. Just then, Peter walked in groggily. He, unlike the others, was fully dressed.

"Morning Pete. Sleep well?" James asked.

"Yeah. What are you all doing here?"

"We're having a math party at Sirius' insistence," James said.

"Although, he's too distracted by the giant cake to focus on math." Peter looked to where Remus pointed and his mouth fell open.

"You're right. It is a giant cake. Can I have some?"

"If you can pry Sirius off it long enough, go ahead." Peter looked hesitantly at the crazed Sirius.

"It's all right, Peter. I saved a piece for you."

"Really?"

"Yeah." She walked over to Sirius and grabbed a handful of hair, pulling back.

"Argh! Get off me, woman!"

"Sirius Black, you bloody fool! Leave the cake alone so poor Peter can have a piece!"

"But… it's cake. I can't ignore it. And it's so big… and chocolate…and it's got butter cream frosting. Frosting!!" He made to grab for more cake, but Lily still had a hold of his "luscious, gleaming tresses" as he was fond of calling them and used this to her advantage. Remus walked over and deftly removed a generous piece off the as yet untouched corner of the cake. Peter gladly took it and dug in.

"_Now_ you can eat. Just don't make yourself sick." She let go of his hair and Sirius barely nodded before resuming the stuffing of his face. Lily returned to the table, mostly because weird groans of animal pleasure were coming from Sirius, hopefully just in satisfaction with having his cake back. James was talking to Peter and Remus, but Remus eventually managed to work himself out of the conversation and turn to Lily.

"Some party, huh?" Lily asked.

"You're sarcastic in the mornings."

"I'm sarcastic all the time."

"Good point. Since everyone else is occupied-especially Sirius- what do you want to do?"

"I thought you came here to study."

"Well, with all of the racket coming from by the cake, I'm too disturbed to concentrate on which ingredients do and do not explode upon contact with each other."

"I see. Do you want to play chess?"

"You carry a chess set around in your boxers?"

"No. I'm a wizard." And with that, he summoned his chess set from the dorm.

"Oh… right. That." And with that, they started to play.

By Wednesday afternoon, Sirius still didn't understand how to solve a quadratic equation. But that might have been due to the fact that he was spending more time complaining about the level of difficulty instead of the actual problems

"Sirius, if you'd ever keep your mouth shut, you'd learn something," Remus said in quite the exasperated fashion.

"But _Moony_!! It's so _hard_!!"

"Sirius. You're whining like a little girl."

"I don't care! This is so _hard_!!"

"Okay, Sirius. If it's so hard, we'll call it quits for today," Remus said, giving in, feeling very much like an ineffective parent.

"Not just today. I don't like the word of the whimpy! It's making my brain hurt! I quit!"

"Sirius. You're using whimpy in place of week. You need to enhance your vocabulary or you will remain thoroughly inept," Remus said, purposely using big words to stress his point.

"Talk normal, Moony!!"

"Fine. If you quit the word of the week, you won't have any excuse to say mitten every day for a week."

"Mittens? What?"

"I was going to make next month's category clothes, but since you're not interested in doing it anymore…"

"NO!! I wanna say mitten!!"

"Okay. Then stop complaining and focus on the math."

"All right. Quadratic Equations. Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication, Division. Positive and Negative Integers, Factorials, Scientific Notation. Yup! All focused, Captain Moony!" Remus just stared at him for a minute before deciding to let his friend's oddities go for the moment.

"Right. Let's get started." They set to work, Sirius setting his mental pains aside in lieu of being privileged enough to say mitten at least once a day. Or at least he tried to, until he was completely and utterly lost on how to make sense of the numbers and variables that all seemed to blend into one another.

"Moony. I don't get it."

"You're already doing loads better now that you're actually applying yourself."

"I know. But I really don't get it. What other clothing-related words am I going to learn about?"

"You'll just have to wait and see."

"But I wanna know now!!"

"Sirius Theodore Black! If you do not shut your mouth right now, mitten will never be a word of the week. As it is, it certainly won't be next week's word."

"Jeez, Moony. Calm down, Mate." James said from his spot against a tree.

"You would do just the same thing if you were in my position. In fact, you'd probably punch his nose in."

"A good point. Carry on. Wouldn't want all that anger to stay pent up, would we?"

"Thank you. Now Sirius, stop complaining and concentrate. Really concentrate."

"Okay… So that makes that- that, right? And this is that… and that's- OH MY GOD!! MOONY, I CAN DO QUADRATIC EQUATIONS!! AND I JUST USED MY WORD!!"

"Holy crap, Padfoot! Calm down! You're going to burst our eardrums!"

"Hey, what about _my_ eardrums, Prongs?"

"Who cares about your eardrums? Maybe if you were deaf, you'd stop yelling like a fool."

"That was mean! And I like being a fool! It means I get to have more fun!"

"No, it's just a poor excuse to," Remus said.

"Same difference. But anyway! Back to quadratic equations!" The rest of the afternoon passed with Sirius cheering in triumph once he solved each problem. Finally, his antics were cut short when it was dinnertime.

"Oi! Evans! Get over here!" Sirius called.

"Do _not_ order me around, Sirius."

"Well, it worked, didn't it?" He asked, every bit the aforementioned fool. Strangely enough, instead of yelling at him even more, Lily took a somewhat calmer approach.

"You must be begging for me to nearly pull your hair off your head with that kind of talk." Sirius' eyes went wide.

"Oh no, not at all! Of course not!"

"Good. Now what was it you wanted to tell me?"

"I CAN DO QUADRATIC EQUATIONS!!" Lily instinctively covered both ears, (as did James, Remus, and Peter) before removing one hand and pulling his hair again.

"ARGH!! Okay, I'll stop yelling, I'll stop. Just let go, please, my hair is my second best feature!" Lily glared at him, but let go anyway.

"What's the first, I wonder?" She asked Remus in an undertone that apparently wasn't quiet enough to escape Sirius' notice.

"My charming personality of course! And after my luscious, gleaming tresses is my incredibly hot, rocking body!"

"…Sure, Padfoot, sure…"

"Everyone's being mean to me!!"

"Stop acting like such a baby and maybe we'll treat you like a young adult for a change," Lily scolded him.

"Oh… all right."

"Good. Now let's eat." The group took their seats at the table, enjoying the rest of the evening. That is until they were in the Common Room and Sirius started shouting triumphantly about his mathematical prowess again…

"Oh my Merlin!! I understand!! I comprehend, Moony, I do!!"

"Good, Padfoot, but stop shouting," Remus replied.

"Oh, all right. But, drawing lines is so much more easy and funner than quadratic equations!!" Lily looked up from her studying.

"Do I need to pull your hair again?"

"No…." Sirius said, shutting his trap for once. At least they had discovered the one thing that could control Sirius' noise making. Lily shook her head and returned to her schoolwork.

On Friday morning, Professor Schutz took his Defense Against the Dark Arts class outside for a practical lesson. The sun was shining and everyone was upset that they had to spend the day in classes.

"Today, you will learn how to defend yourselves against grindylows, kelpies, and other water dwelling creatures. The most important thing is to keep your wits about you. Make three lines, if you please." The students maneuvered themselves into ragged lines, the Marauders, Lily, and Alice Prewett all together in one. Schutz had set up a kind of obstacle course that wound its way around the Great Lake. Once all the students were in order, the first student in each line went through the course, some occasionally uttering screams, shouts, or curses. When Sirius returned from his turn, there wasn't a scratch on him and not a hair was out of line.

"How was it, Sirius?" Peter asked, concerned about how he would do when it was his turn.

"You'll be fine, Pete. Have fun, Prongs."

"See you, Padfoot." James waved before jogging out to the first obstacle. Lily waited anxiously for James to return, unsure why there was a knot in her stomach. He, too, came back without any signs of struggle and the knot disappeared, surprising Lily to no end. She watched as Remus trotted off to take his turn and turned to Alice.

"I was worried it would be difficult, but the Marauders seem to have no trouble at all."

"Schutz started us off with relatively easy creatures to deal with. Or at least, they're easy to get past if you've got a decent head on your shoulders."

"Shouldn't they be doing horribly then?" Lily joked. Alice smiled.

"They're good wizards though. Lockhart, on the other hand has neither brains nor magical skill." Lily looked over to see Gilderoy Lockhart gripping a very large, very irritated fish that was not even part of the course. Schutz just stood by the lines of students shaking his head with a grimace on his face. As they were talking, Remus had returned, also unharmed and Peter set off with a gulp. While he was gone, high, girlish shrieks worked their way over to the students. The Marauders just shook their heads sadly.

"Poor Pete," Remus said.

"Oh, Moony, calm down," James said.

" It's probably not even Pete. I bet it's Snivellus," Sirius said, reaching to cover his head so Lily wouldn't have a chance to pull his hair. He knew how much she hated it when they called Snape names. She just rolled her eyes and patted Peter reassuringly on the shoulder that wasn't bleeding when he returned. Lily started to jog off when James called her.

"Lily, wait."

"What, Potter. This is for a grade you know."

"I'm not trying to make you lose points."

"Glad to hear it. Now can I go?"

"Yeah. Just, Lily?"

"Yes?"

"Be careful." Lily smiled a little, rolling her eyes.

"I'm not stupid, Potter. Besides, if you can return unharmed, so can I." James grinned and waved her on. She returned about five minutes later, cutting James' time nearly in half. She didn't sport any injuries, only a smile.

"That was fast," Remus said, impressed.

"Nice job, Evans. But you were still slower than me," Sirius teased. Lily stuck out her tongue and pretended to reach for his hair. James just stood there with his mouth wide open.

"Close your mouth, Potter. You're embarrassing yourself."

"How was it, Lily?"

"No biggy. Like you said- gotta have a brain and be a good witch. You'll nail it."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Good luck." Alice smiled and quickly crossed the stretch of land between her and the first obstacle. James still had his mouth open and he was staring in astonishment at Lily.

"Honestly, Potter. It is what it is. I can't help that I'm better than you," Lily teased.

"The girl's right, Prongs. Come on, wake up," Sirius said, smacking the back of James' head. That seemed to do the trick, for James blinked a few times between turning red.

"Erm… uh… nice work, Evans."

"Thank you, Potter. I didn't surprise you too, terribly, did I?"

"Of course you did, Evans. He was standing with his mouth open for a good minute and a half," Sirius said. Lily smiled and patter James on the shoulder, pretending to console him. James returned Sirius' smack and grinned and his friend's scowl. Alice came back a few minutes later, closely followed by Lucas Flint, a Slytherin Prefect. He was scowling and had blood gushing from his nose.

"All right, now that everyone's been through the course, class is over for the day." Cheers interrupted Schultz's announcement. "But I want three paragraphs on the easiest and hardest parts of the course for you, the mistakes you made and what you could have done better. All of you who got hurt follow me to the Hospital Wing." He left then, with four or five students trailing after him, all of them Slytherins except Peter.

"Well, we've got a free period after this, so I'm going for a swim," Sirius announced, pulling off his shirt and dropping it by his robes in a pile next to his shoes..

"Good idea, Padfoot," James said, removing his attire as well.

"Umm, guys?" Remus said.

"What, Moony?"

"We've got our special boxers on."

"So?"

"Don't go in there unless you want to get electrified."

"Oh…" Sirius said, defeated.

"Why don't you just put a protection charm on them?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, that'll work." Sirius said, pointing his wand at waistband. After that had been taken care of, the two dove into the lake and started splashing each other like the children they were. Lily rolled her eyes and sat next to Remus at the base of a tree.

"Aren't you going to swim?" He asked her.

"You're not. Besides, I've got a white shirt on under this." Remus blushed.

"You know, you could put a protection charm on yourself, too."

"Oh… right. Well, I will if you will."

"All right…"Remus stripped down like the others and Lily simply removed he robes and shoes. They dove in together, looking for James and Sirius, who had stopped splashing and started exploring.

They didn't have to wait long, because Sirius was swimming madly from a school of angry shrake. James was swimming a few feet away with a grin on his face. A ring of mermaids had formed behind James and they were brandishing their tridents menacingly. Lily shot Remus a look and Lily pulled out her wand, casting a spell that froze the shrake where they were. Sirius swam to the surface gratefully, cringing as he stretched his arms in front of him. The rest of the group followed, Lily concerned about any possible injuries Sirius might have suffered.

They dried themselves and pulled on their clothes before walking over to Sirius, who was lying just a few feet away from the edge of the lake. His torso and legs were dotted with little puncture wounds, some of them deep enough to be quite harmful. Lily stopped the blood flow with a simple spell and had James and Remus help him up.

"Moony?" Sirius said barely able to speak; he was so weak from the blood loss.

"Yes, Padfoot?" Remus asked.

"I hate things that swim."

"I'm sure you do, Padfoot."

"What happened anyway?" Lily asked when she returned with Sirius' clothes.

"He started harassing and terrorizing a baby mermaid."

"So naturally they sent their shrake after him."

"He's always getting himself into trouble," Lily said with a sigh. "Let's get him to the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey won't happy with this latest 'suicide attempt'." Sirius smiled half heartedly as he stumbled across the grounds, even with the help of his friends.

By the time they had reached the Hospital Wing, Sirius was nearly passed out. Madame Pomfrey came over quickly, shaking her head.

"What are we going to do with you, Mr. Black?" Sirius tried to shrug, but was stopped by the pain the motion caused. The nurse made him drink a sleeping potion and went to get some soothing salve that would both remove the pain and heal the wounds faster. She rubbed it on his body, an action that looked quite strange since she was a good twenty years older than him. When she was finished, she rubbed the remaining salve on her apron.

"He'll have to stay here at least for the rest of the day so I can see if he needs any stitches. He might very well be here through Sunday if that's the case."

"All right. We've got to get to class, so can you tell him we'll drop by later?" Remus said. Madame Pomfrey nodded curtly and went to take care of the other injured students, most of them those who got hurt earlier that morning. The three waved to Peter and made their way down to the Defense room to get their books. The rest of the day was markedly quiet without Sirius there, and James was eager to get up to the hospital wing after dinner to talk to him.

"James! Moony! Evans! Come on in!" He called, waving from his bed. He winced as the large gesture pulled at his wounds.

"Hope you haven't been too bored, Pads."

"Oh, no. Pete's been here too."

"Right. Well we brought you guys gifts," Remus said.

"Sweet!" Remus tossed a few chocolate frogs and a package of Bertie Bott's beans over to Peter, who smiled in thanks. He pulled a small fish bowl out from behind his back and handed it over to Sirius. Once he saw the tiny goldfish swimming inside, he shoved it back at Remus, who was grinning evilly.

"I thought I told you I hate things that swim!"

"You did. I just wanted to make sure it was still true."

"You're evil," Sirius said with a glare.

"I know. Well, since you don't want him, I guess you don't get anything."

"No! I want a present. Peter. Trade with me!" Peter looked longingly at the unopened chocolate frogs before reluctantly handing them over.

"Here you go, Pete. His name's Herbert."

"Herbert?"

"Yeah."

"Can I pet him?" Remus shrugged.

"Sure." Peter reached into the bowl with one hand and screamed.

"It bit me!!" He pulled out his hand, revealing a flailing goldfish clinging to his finger.

"Oh, that is rich!" Sirius said laughing. "Maybe fish aren't that bad after all…"

"Pete, I don't think he's letting go. We should get him to the lake as soon as possible. Can you leave?" Peter shrugged, putting his hand back in the water so the fish could breathe.

"Why did you bring an animal into my infirmary?" Madame Pomfrey said, exasperated.

"It was supposed to be a gift, but it bit Peter and it's not letting go. We should get it down to the lake."

"Well, I would've let him go tomorrow morning, but I suppose it won't make a difference. Be careful with that shoulder, Mr. Pettigrew. You're free to go."

"Thank you." Peter said, setting his candy on the bedside table before grabbing the fish bowl with his other hand and wriggling off the bed. The group said goodbye to Sirius before walking back down to the Great Lake. The fish, once back in its natural habitat, let go of Peter's finger, which was fortunately undamaged. They went to the common room, where they sat and talked for a little while before going to bed.

On Sunday afternoon, Sirius was released by Madame Pomfrey and found the other Marauders and Lily by the edge of the Lake.

"Hey, Pads. Wanna go for a swim?" James asked with a grin.

"Yeah, right." He plopped himself next to James and made himself comfortable before he realized Peter wasn't sitting with the group, but sitting on the edge of the lake.

"What's Pete doing?"

"He made friends with Herbert. He's feeding him some bread," Remus informed him.

"That's kind of weird."

"That's Pete." Just then a large tentacle burst out of the water and grabbed Peter. He screamed, which was quite amusing to Sirius.

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!! Help!!"

"Pete! Drop the bread!" He did so, and was promptly dropped into the water as the squid went to eat the bread. He bobbed in one place, trying to doggy paddle to the edge of the lake. Remus got up to help him out of the water, grabbing Peter's arms and pulling. He cast a spell to dry him off and the two walked back to the tree, Peter's mood officially foul. Sirius grinned at him.

"That's more entertaining than quadratic equations any day. Hey, Moony?"

"Yes, Sirius?"

"Can that be my new word of the whimpy instead of whatever garment you would've normally selected?"

"All right. Next month will be Undersea Creatures. We'll make November's category Clothing."

"Yes! My new word of the whimpy is- wait, Moony, what's that thing called?"

"A squid, Padfoot. A Giant Squid."

"Squid!!" He shouted happily before he was smacked upside the head by Lily. Remus laughed and the rest of the day went by too quickly for anyone's liking, Monday coming far too soon.

**So, whatcha think? You like? Please review! Unfortunately, we cannot give an estimate of when the next chapter will be up, but the format of each chapter might change, enabling us to update more frequently. Either way, you can look forward to ****Undersea Creatures****! Sorry again for the wait, TTFN! :)**


	5. Undersea Creatures

**So we've already put a disclaimer on the story and whatnot, so sit back and enjoy the next installment of the story!**

**Undersea Creatures**

**Squid**: _any of several ten-armed cephalopods, as of the genera _Loligo_ and _Ommastrephes_,__ having a slender body and a pair of rounded or triangular caudal fins and varying in length from 4–6 in. (10–15 cm) to 60–80 ft. (18–24 m)._

*

On Monday morning, Remus was completely and utterly unable to awaken Sirius.

"Padfoot! Get off your fat arse and get ready for class!" Sirius mumbled incoherently into his pillow. Remus was this close (2.5 cm to be exact!) from smacking Sirius soundly on his aforementioned fat arse. Before he could, James had emerged from the bathroom, toweling his hair with a spare towel. When he saw Remus he looked at his hand quizzically.

"Y'know, Moony, you can tell us if anything strange is happening to your body…" Remus reddened and removed his hand.

"I'm trying to wake him up. It's not working."

"Just mention food. He loves food."

"…Right. Good idea. SIRIUS!!! WAKE UP OR YOU DON'T GET ANY BREAKFAST!!!" Sirius rolled over and squinted at Remus.

"It's called the kitchens, Moony. _Duh_."

"Fine, then… You won't know your new word of the whimpy- I mean week."

"Squid."

"What?"

"Squid," Sirius said firmly. "My word of the whimpy is squid. Good night." He promptly rolled back over and started snoring. Remus growled and stalked out of the room. James, watching all of this from the door of the bathroom, just sighed. Suddenly, inspiration struck.

"Pads, if you don't get up soon, I have a sneaking suspicion that Moony'll come back with Evans. And she won't be happy about you trying to skip class just to sleep." As planned, Sirius' head shot straight up and he scrambled to get out from under the sheets. He raced across the room, pushing past James to get into the shower. In about two minutes- a record for any of the Marauders- he was out of the shower and racing back across the room to get dressed. James just rolled his eyes and got dressed himself. When the two were ready, they headed downstairs.

Oddly enough, Lily was waiting at the bottom of the staircase with Remus. The two seemed to be discussing something.

"Don't hurt your brains anymore, guys. I'm up. And starving," Sirius said. Remus looked satisfied while Lily shot him a dirty look. Sirius looked at James, eyebrows raised. James shrugged and walked down the stairs to throw an arm around Lily's waist.

"Aren't you proud of me, Lilykins?" Lily rolled her eyes and removed his arm.

"For what?"

"Well, I got Sirius up, of course," he said, that cocky grin she hated so much spread across his face.

"And how do you think you managed that?"

"Well, I told him you'd come after him." Lily laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"The thought that Sirius is afraid of me." James smiled.

"Not really. You haven't seen yourself when you're angry. It gets pretty ugly." Lily's smile vanished, replaced by a slightly annoyed look.

"How so?" James looked down, realizing the implication in his sentence.

"Well- _you_ don't get ugly- just… uh…" Lily burst out laughing again.

"Potter, I'm kidding. Don't get your knickers in a bunch." He reddened at how easily he had been duped.

"Prongs, wipe that red off your cheeks and let's go," Sirius said, somewhat annoyed at the fact that he was hungry and everyone else was standing around not caring about his discomfort. Lily laughed.

"Let's go," she said to James, grabbing his hand and dragging him across the room to the portrait hole. James smiled happily at the contact and followed her obediently.

When they arrived at the Great Hall, the other students stopped their breakfasting and stared. Lily looked at James quizzically. Just then she realized they were holding hands. She blushed crimson and hastily distanced herself from him, walking over to where Alice was sitting. This left James a bit depressed as he walked with the other two Marauders to their usual place at the table. Sirius finally realized Peter's absence.

"Where's Wormtail?" Remus shrugged.

"Guess he got up early. Maybe to study a bit more before that big Herbology test we've got Wednesday." Sirius' eyes widened.

"We… have a… Herbology test?"

"Yeah. On the healing effects of various roots and stems of magical plants. Did you forget again?"

"…No…" Sirius said. "James, did you know about this?" James, who had automatically reached for his usual breakfast items, didn't seem to hear. He was still upset about Lily not wanting to be in physical contact with him in public.

"Oi! Prongs! Did you know about the Herbology test?"

"Wha? Test? We have a test?"

"Yeah, in Herbology, Mate," Sirius answered. James just shrugged, buttering a piece of toast as per his usual routine without even realizing it.

"Sprout's tests are usually easy anyway, right?"

"Usually, but this test is _big_. She says it's a review of everything we learned last year," Remus put in. The other two groaned simultaneously.

"At least we don't have it until the end of the day…" Sirius admitted.

"Yeah, we can study during Divination," James said. Remus rolled his eyes and speared a few scrambled eggs with his fork. Sirius nodded, promptly forgetting the whole dilemma and digging into his food.

"What's wrong, Prongs?" Remus asked after a minute. Sirius stopped shoveling food into his mouth for a moment to say, "Yeah, you haven't even touched the muffins. And they're exceptional today."

"Nothing. I'm fine," he said quietly.

"You most certainly are _not_ okay, Prongs," Remus said.

"Would my saying 'squid' over and over make you feel better?" Sirius asked. James just shook his head sadly. "Don't tell me you're upset about not knowing about the test today…" he warned. James shook his head again.

"What's wrong, then, Mate?"

"I'm _fine_, Padfoot. Just drop it, okay?" Sirius looked at him, hurt that his best friend wouldn't confide in him. Remus gave Sirius a warning look, telling him to leave it for now. Sirius went after his food again, but with visibly less gusto.

*

After getting through the rest of the day and the next, James had nearly forgotten his disappointment and was almost back to normal despite Lily's slightly increased level of distance. That is, until he set eyes upon her beautiful, fiery red hair halfway down the lunch table on Wednesday. His previous depression returned quickly, concerning his friends for the second time that week. Suddenly, Remus realized what must be going on. He whispered something to Sirius before slipping away to talk to Lily.

A moment later, he returned with the redhead in tow.

"What's this depression of yours I'm hearing about, Potter?" she asked, curious. James blinked at her in astonishment.

"What?"

"Why are you depressed?"

"…No reason."

"There's always a reason. Tell me."

"Erm… I'd rather not."

"Is it the massive Herbology test we've got today?" He shook his head. "How about that essay we've got to write for Binns by tomorrow?" He shook his head again. Lily, seeing he was telling the truth, decided to switch tactics. "Is it… the fact that Sirius is such a miserable idiot?" She grinned at the offended look on Sirius' face before frowning at the unmistakable shake of James' head. Suddenly, realization hit her like a pound of bricks.

"Is it…me?" James said nothing. "You're upset because of what I did Monday morning?" Again, nothing. She sighed. "I wasn't thinking when I pulled away from you. I was just… embarrassed."

"I noticed," he said, grim amusement in his voice. Lily blushed.

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to." She didn't get a response. She sat for a long minute before sighing. "I hope you can forgive me," she said, kissing his cheek. "Good luck on the Herbology test, boys." With that, she walked back over to Alice and a few other Gryffindor girls, where she sat down heavily. Alice gave her a questioning look, but let it go when Lily just shook her head, lost in thought.

*

Friday morning, when the group had double Herbology, Professor Sprout returned their tests.

"Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black," she said, handing them their answer sheets. Remus' brow furrowed as he examined his test.

"How'd you do, Padfoot?" he asked after a while. Sirius shrugged.

"Eighty-five percent. How 'bout you?"

"Eighty-nine."

"Oooh. Off your game a bit, eh?"

"Obviously." Just then, Professor Sprout called James over to her makeshift desk at a surprisingly empty table scattered with dirt and leaves. "I guess I was just surprised by how strong Prongs' feelings were for Evans…"

"We all were." Lily said, walking over to them.

"How'd you do?" Remus asked.

"Ninety-two." Sirius cringed.

"You two _were_ really worried about Prongs." Remus just stared at him, a silent '_you think?_' hanging in the air.

"What's that about me?" James asked, having finally returned. Lily turned red.

"N-nothing…" The Marauders gave her an odd look. Finally, Remus spoke up.

"Neither of us did as well as we normally do."

"Because of me?" James was confused.

"Yeah, don't you remember how depressed you were earlier because Evans didn't want to hold your hand?" James blushed, temporarily embarrassed before realization struck in the form of a bright pink unicorn stomping on his head.

"You were thinking about me?" he asked Lily. She nodded.

"I was more just surprised that it hurt you so much. Things just roll off your back so easily. I… It's just-"

"Aww, Evans is tongue-tied," Sirius said. Lily glared at him fiercely.

"I'm sorry, James," she said finally. She left with a bit of pink in her cheeks to rejoin Alice.

"I feel terrible," James said a few moments later.

"Why? I'd have thought you'd like hearing that she thinks about you."

"Normally I would, I guess. But she's worried. It's hurting her grades and it's hurting her. I don't want that."

"Well go apologize then!" Sirius cried. "This whole thing is getting too dramatic for me." James grinned.

"I guess you're right, Pads. Hey, wait a minute. Where's Peter?" Sirius shrugged.

"I haven't really seen him much lately," Remus said. James frowned.

"Maybe we should ask him the next time we see him. Normally he follows us around everywhere." Remus nodded.

"Go apologize to Lily, Prongs. I think Sirius is getting uncomfortable with the lack of levity." James smiled.

"All right. I'm going. See you two in a bit." He walked off in search of the redhead to whom he owed an apology and an explanation.

*

"So we're all right, then?" James asked at the end of his discussion with Lily.

"As we'll ever be," she said with a smile.

"Glad to hear it. Now we should probably go before Sirius starts terrorizing the Giant Squid."

"Good plan. The two walked outside in search of Sirius and the rest of the group. Unsurprisingly, it wasn't that difficult, since the squid had plucked Sirius off the shore of the lake and was flinging him around wildly. Also unsurprisingly, Sirius was screaming like a little girl. James rolled his eyes and went over to Remus.

"Do I _want_ to know?" James asked cautiously. Remus grinned and shook his head.

"Probably not." James nodded in agreement.

"Well I guess we'd better do something." When they looked back, however, they realized they didn't need to. Lily was standing knee deep in the water, running her hands along one of the squid's long slimy tentacles.

"Come on, let him down. I'm sure what he did couldn't have been so bad you need to snap his neck," she murmured. Slowly, the squid smoothed his movements and eventually lowered his arm low enough that when he let Sirius go with a _splash!_ it wasn't enough to hurt him. Lily patted the squid one last time before bending over to help the now spluttering Sirius out of the water.

"Thanks, Evans," he said. "I didn't think the beast would ever let me down." Lily smiled.

"What did you do to make him so mad?" Sirius turned red.

"I, well… I-" Lily laughed.

"You know what? Maybe I don't want to know. Dry yourself off and let's find something to do since it's the weekend and all." Sirius nodded.

"Sounds good." Lily grinned and the group spent the rest of the week happily without a single care.

*

**Seahorse**: _any fish of the genus __Hippocampus,__ of the pipefish family, having a prehensile tail, an elongated snout, and a head bent at right angles to the body_.

*

The weekend went by rather uneventfully compared to the previous week, though everyone suspected it was because Sirius gave the Giant Squid a wide berth. Remus could understand this, since not only had he been flung about like a rag doll, but a girl- even if that girl was the notably tough Lily Evans- had saved him.

He smiled as these thoughts ran through his head. It was Monday morning and he only had a few minutes left to decide on a word for Sirius before he woke up enough to realize he was supposed to get a new word. It would have to be something relatively innocent that wouldn't cause a repeat of Wednesday. He wracked his brain for the appropriate animal as James and Sirius joked around on the other side of the dorm. _Goldfish, manatee, chimera, seal, _and many others were all rejected. Finally, a thought struck him.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah, Moony?" he yawned drowsily.

"Would you be satisfied if seahorse was your new word of the week?"

"…" Sirius just stared at him. "… What the _hell_ is a seahorse?" Remus smiled a little.

"See if there's a picture in the dictionary, Padfoot," James suggested.

"Right! The dictionary!" Sirius got up and started rummaging through the piles of clothing strewn across the floor.

"P… Q…R…S…SEAHORSE!" he shouted before mouthing the words as he read.

"Padfoot?"

"_Shut up_, Prongs! I'm _reading!_"

"Padfoot. Stop yelling and read it out loud."

"Okay, okay fine…" Once he had finished reading, he glanced at the rest of the page.

"Yay! There _is_ a picture, Moony, look!" Remus grinned.

"Yes, I see that Sirius. So I take it you want that for your word?"

"Well, _DUH!!!_ The little guy's just so adorably adorable!!" James and Remus just looked at him as a slightly awkward silence fell over the three of them.

"That didn't sound strange at all…" James finally said.

"But he_ is_!!! He's adorable! Look at him!" Sirius shoved the book in his face.

"Aww!!" James said- excuse me- squealed. Then he caught himself and cleared his throat. "Erm… I mean, yeah, I guess." Remus rolled his eyes and went back to one of the many essays they had been assigned. Seeing his lack of enthusiasm, Sirius went over to Remus and planted the book in front of his face as he had with James.

"Moony, you are just not happy enough. Look at how cute my word is!"

"I already did, Padfoot."

"Well?" Remus sighed.

"He's very cute, Sirius. Now can I go back to my work?"

"Fine, you spoilsport. I'll go show Peter instead. _He'll_ think my sea pony is cute!" He started towards the door when he realized he had no clue where Peter might be.

"Hey, where's Peter?"

"I don't know. But the _map_ should," James said as if it should have been obvious. And maybe it was, but if you hadn't noticed, Sirius was having a very difficult morning.

"…Right," Sirius replied finally. "But where's the map?" James shrugged.

"Probably somewhere in your massive pile of clothes like the dictionary was." Sirius, looking somewhat defeated, stooped over the nearest mound of clothing and started sifting through it. After searching a few more piles, he gave up.

"I can't find it!"

"Then summon it, Pads."

"…Oh. _Accio Marauder's Map_." After a few seconds, one of the many articles of clothing started to wriggle. Sirius went over to it and snatched up the map.

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good," he said, spreading the map out in search of Peter.

"Aha, found him. I'm off, guys."

"Bye Sirius," James and Remus replied in unison. Sirius rolled his eyes and left to showcase his picture of an adorably adorable seahorse.

*

By Tuesday morning, Sirius was completely infatuated with seahorses. He brought the dictionary wherever he went and eventually got the- ahem- "brilliant" idea of tearing the page out to lighten his load. Both he and Remus had to be restrained- Sirius from hurting the dictionary and Remus from hurting the Sirius. Eventually, Lily decided that the best thing to do would be to separate the boys. James went with Sirius up to the dorm, and Lily brought Remus to the library.

"Thanks, Lily. That could have been…" Remus trailed off at Lily's odd look.

"I don't even want to know why you flipped out like that. You're normally so calm, even when you're angry."

"What?" he asked, surprised.

"I'm saying that I've never seen you lose your temper like that. _Ever_." Remus swallowed.

"I, uh…, I don't really know. But thanks anyway for putting an end to it." Lily just shook her head. Remus sighed and bent over a blank sheet of parchment, trying to concentrate on his school work.

*

By Thursday, Sirius' obsession had died down, and Remus' temper had further shortened. In a rare few days without any of Sirius' tomfoolery, the tension in the group was so palpable that Lily let curiosity get the better of her on Saturday night. Remus was slumped in an armchair, a frightening scowl on his face, James and Sirius were opposite him, seated on the couch, with Peter cowering behind the piece of furniture, hoping that it would be enough to protect from his friend's temper. When Lily walked in, she frowned and walked over.

"Do I even _want_ to know what's going on?" she asked cautiously.

"No," they all answered in unison, voices with varying levels of emotion in them. This made her frown more. After a few minutes, when it looked like no one was going to offer up and explanation, she stood up and gestured for James to follow her. When they were out of earshot, she turned to him.

"What's wrong with Remus?"

"What? Nothing." Lily gave him a good, hard look and he sighed.

"It's… difficult to explain."

"I'm a good listener. I've never seen him like this before. I'm worried." The look in her eyes showed her deep concern, and it made his heart ache that he couldn't banish it himself.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because- because it's not- I just can't. I'm sorry. Maybe someday, but not now. We're all tense right now and I think if you knew it would just make things worse." Lily put a hand to her temple, masking the hurt.

"Well, we don't want that. I'm sorry I bothered you." She pushed past him and ran up the stairs to the girls' dormitory. He looked after her, at a loss for what to do. Finally, he sighed and reluctantly returned to the others. He would find a way to better explain tomorrow.

*

It was Sunday and Remus was still in a foul mood. The Marauders were still on edge and Lily was still very concerned. She had been doing her best all morning to give them the space they wanted, but after watching Remus grow paler and more miserable and irritable, she pulled James aside at lunch.

"I know what you're going to ask, Lily…" he started to say once they were out of earshot.

"James, please. I understand that you don't want to tell me what's going on but can you tell me if there's anything I can do to help?" James sighed.

"I don't think so, Lily. I mean, we're his best friends and even _we_ can't do anything to make him more comfortable. We just have to wait for it to pass." Lily nodded.

"Do you know if being in a quiet room would help?"

"And where would we find one of those during the weekend?"

"I don't know. You and Sirius are the ones who know every inch of the school." James thought for a moment.

"There is _one_ room…but-"

"'But' _what_, James? It won't cure him, I'm sure, but it might make it easier on him. Don't you want that?"

"Of course I do. I was going to say that there's a place but I'm not sure exactly where it is or how to get to it."

"I don't believe that, James."

"You're going to have to." He looked back at Remus, who was still pale as ash. "If you're going to insist on doing something, you can come with me to find that room. After that, we're all just going to have to wait for this to blow over."

"Let's go."

"Hang on a moment. Let me tell Sirius." Lily nodded and watched him walk quickly back to the group. After a few moments he returned.

"So what's the plan?" Lily inquired.

"It can't be on any of the main floors, since that part of the castle we _do_ know through and through… So I guess we start with the upper floors."

"Then we shouldn't waste any time." James smiled a little as Lily led the way to the center of the castle and the ever-changing flights of stairs.

*

A few hours passed, and the two were still searching for the mysterious room. They had been in all the towers, and had searched every floor for an unmarked door leading to a deserted room. Nothing seemed to jump out as the room they were looking for.

"Are you _sure_ there's even a room, James?"

"I told you before we started that it could just be a rumor." Lily sighed.

"Well if we can't find this room, let's at least try to find another that might be just as quiet." James nodded and they started off down the nearest hallway.

After another hour, they had searched most of the upper floors. They were now on the seventh floor, having just emerged from yet another useless room. Lily kicked the wall angrily and sighed.

"We're not going to find what he needs, are we, James?" James walked over to her and took her hands.

"Don't give up, Lily." Lily smiled at him and put a hand on his cheek.

"Thank you, James." He returned her smile and kissed her forehead. Fortunately, she didn't smack him as he assumed she would, but instead let a little pink color her cheeks.

"Anything for you. Now let's keep looking." Lily nodded and they walked off. By the time they had reached the other end of that floor, Lily was frustrated again. Letting go of James' hand, she paced back and forth.

"Lily," James started to say.

"James, please. I know what you're going to say, so don't. We _need_ to find somewhere Remus can be comfortable. I can't stand to see him suffer like this anymore. We've _got_ to find the right place. Somewhere quiet- where no one will be able to intrude. Somewhere he can just relax and forget about everything." Lily was just turning around for the third time when James stopped her and spun her around to look at the door that had just appeared out of thin air. They stared at it for a few moments, speechless, before Lily grinned and pulled the handle.

"Where did it come from?" she asked in wonder.

"This is amazing," James said. The two were standing in the middle of a large, pillow-covered room. Small tables were scattered across the vast space, laden with various snacks and drinks. Warm yellow sunlight filtered through long velvet curtains that hung from the windows. Suffice to say, James and Lily were at a loss of what to say or do for quite some time. Finally, Lily came to her senses.

"James, go get the others. I'll stay here to make sure it doesn't disappear. This is incredible." James nodded

"Indeed it is. I'll see you in a few," he agreed, heading downstairs to bring the rest of the group up.

*

Sirius, Remus, and Peter were just as stunned as the Heads had been, possibly more. When Lily saw Remus' pain disappear almost completely from his face after a few hours, she felt more than confident that he would be all right. In fact, more than easing Remus' discomfort, it provided the perfect opportunity for the others to unwind as well.

"I could get used to this," Sirius said contentedly. James grinned.

"As could I, Pads, as could I."

"I'm hungry," Peter said.

"Good, because there's too many snacks to eat in this place," Sirius said, stuffing what must have been his ninth cauldron cake in his still half-full mouth. "I wonder if seahorses would like cauldron cakes…" he mused. Lily rolled her eyes and returned to the book that had miraculously appeared when James and Sirius had begun their usual antics and she found herself incredibly bored.

"Are there any licorice wands?" Peter asked. Just as he said this, they too appeared out of thin air on the table beside him. "This room is amazing!" he exclaimed, grabbing the sweets and eagerly taking a bite out of one of them.

"It really is…" Remus said. "How'd you find it?"

"We were looking for a quiet place to bring you so you could finally relax," Lily informed him.

"And Lily was getting really frustrated that we couldn't find it and she just happened to start pacing outside the entrance and the door just came out of nowhere."

"Fascinating. And everything was here?"

"Everything except this book and Pete's licorice wands," Lily confirmed.

"Absolutely remarkable." Lily smiled to see Remus distracted from his discomfort. Everyone else seemed pleased by it too. Sirius was so pleased to see him acting more normal that he chanced asking a question that had been on his mind all day.

"Hey, Moony?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you…thought about my new word of the whimpy?" Remus frowned and Sirius' face fell. "If not, it's perfectly all right…"

"Don't worry, Padfoot, I'm not going to bite your head off just yet. Hmm, let's see… How about piranha?"

"Piranha?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah. I won't bite your head off, but one of those little guys might. Are you still carrying that dictionary around with you?"

"Let me look." Sirius sifted through his bag, in search of the dictionary. "Ah, here it is." He leafed through the pages for a little while before he said, "Here we are: Piranha. That's such a stupid way of spelling it!" Remus smoothed his hands over his face wearily.

"Sirius, just read the definition."

"Oh, right… Heh heh. Sorry." He then began to read about piranhas.

*

**Piranha**: _any of several small South American freshwater fishes of the genus _Serrasalmus_ that eat other fish and sometimes plants but occasionally also attack humans and other large animals that enter the water_.

*

Lily was quite surprised to see Remus back to his old self on Monday morning. Though she would have loved to say it was all because they found that magic room, she knew there must be something else going on. She pondered the sudden change all morning, but could not find a plausible answer. Hesitant to ask James again, Lily took Peter aside at lunch.

"Peter, do you know why Remus was acting so strange all last week?" she asked as sweetly as she could. He turned pale once she had asked the question, gulping down his mouthful. He shook his head quickly, denying everything. Lily pursed her lips and asked again.

"Are you sure? I can't believe you don't have some idea, Peter. I would really like to know. Can you please tell me?" Peter, looking even more frightened, shook his head again.

"N-no. S-sorry, Lily. I can't tell- I can't tell you. I promised I w-wouldn't." Lily sighed.

"All right, Peter. I'm sorry." He nodded and walked as fast as he could back to the table. Lily sighed once more, feeling a bit defeated as she walked over to where Alice and the other girls from their dormitory were sitting.

"What's up, Lily? Is something wrong?" Alice asked. Lily smiled kindly and shook her head.

"I'm fine, Alice. Thanks." Alice looked at her closely, trying to find the answer. Giving up, she started to serve herself a little bit of everything on the table.

"So, Lily. Do you think you could maybe help me out with something?" she asked, trying to shake Lily out of her thoughts.

"Hmm? Oh, sure, Alice. Anything. What is it?"

"I um, I need a bit of help with Ancient Runes. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it," she said with a little bit of a blush.

"Sure, Alice. I mean, I'm having a bit of trouble with it, too, but maybe we can help each other understand." Alice smiled.

"Thanks, Lily."

"Not a problem," Lily assured her friend. Her moment of being social ended when she looked back over at the Marauders and saw Remus grin at something Sirius had said. Lost in thought, she picked at her food, having only eaten a few bites by the time she needed to head for her next class. With a last worried look from Alice, Lily walked to the Transfiguration classroom in a bit of a daze. Professor McGonagall turned sharply when she heard Lily's footsteps echo through the room.

"Miss Evans, you're late." Lily looked up at the professor, still kind of out of it.

"Sorry, Professor. I guess I got a little distracted." McGonagall frowned a little before saying, "Try to not get distracted again. Five points from Gryffindor." Lily, only mildly disappointed, was quickly lost in thought once more. That is, she was until a wadded up ball of parchment hit her in the side of the head when the professor had her back turned. She looked up with a start and picked up the parchment where it had fallen. She smoothed it out as quietly as she could and, seeing nothing on either side, cast a revealing charm on it. Sure enough, words appeared in James' handwriting.

What's on your mind, Lilyflower?

Not having daydreams about me in the middle of class, are we?

Lily squinted to make out his questions, but when she did, she blushed a little. Picking up her quill, she scribbled a quick reply and wadded the paper back up, waiting for a good moment to throw it back.

Not daydreams, Potter. I'm just thinking.

I think you can guess what about, since we worked together to help him yesterday.

Why his sudden change of mood?

James caught the note out of the air as effortlessly as he snatched the golden snitch out of the sky every Quidditch game. Not bothering with stealth as Lily had, he opened it and scanned it, his brow furrowing. He wrote a few words down before crumpling it up and tossing it across the room once more.

Still can't tell you, Lils. Sorry.

Not my secret. Ask Remus.

After deciphering his words once more, Lily sighed quietly before writing another response.

Fine, Potter. I'll ask Remus.

Tell him to wait for me after class.

She tossed it back again, and he caught it just as easily as before. The other students were starting to get curious, but their questions didn't get answered since that was the last time the note was tossed and McGonagall hadn't caught them.

Lily, knowing she was likely to get her answers, was finally able to pay attention. Unfortunately, she had missed a good portion and was utterly confused by McGonagall's last sentences. With a slightly frustrated grumble, she packed up her things and went over to Remus, the two of them the last in the room.

"What do you need, Lily?" Remus asked politely. Lily's cheeks colored a bit when she spoke.

"James didn't tell you? Oh, well then. I guess… I'm awfully curious about your, um, sudden mood swings." Remus paled and cleared his throat.

"Lily, I can't tell you- I-"

"Oh, Remus, please. I spent almost all yesterday morning looking for that room for you, and I stayed with you for the rest of the day. The least you can do is to tell me why I even needed to find someplace comfortable for you." Remus sighed.

"You're right. Okay, I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone."

"I promise."

"Okay, well, um…" He leaned over and whispered in her ear so quietly she had to strain to hear, "I'm a werewolf." Lily pulled away and looked at him in surprise.

"A what? Seriously?" When Remus nodded, a bit of regret in his eyes, Lily calmed herself.

"Well, that makes sense, I guess… Sorry about my reaction."

"It actually wasn't that bad. James and the others stared at me for a good five minutes before it got through their thick skulls." Lily smiled as she and Remus left the room.

"That sounds like them." Remus nodded.

"So you're not afraid of me? You don't think I'm a monster?" Lily looked at him in shock.

"What? No. Not at all. Well, technically you are a monster, but I know you're still Remus, despite how… furry you might get." Remus smiled.

"Thanks, Lily. I've only told two other people about it besides you, the guys, and Dumbledore and they both were revolted."

"That's horrible! I'm so sorry, Remus."

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad you're not put off by it."

"Remus Lupin, I wouldn't care if you turned into a _slimy octopus_ every full moon! I would still love you. You're like a brother to me." Remus blushed a little.

"Thanks, Lily."

"You don't need to thank me, Remus. We're friends. That's how things go." Remus smiled at her.

"I guess you're right."

"I am," Lily said firmly, causing Remus to laugh.

"I'll see you in Ancient Runes, Lily."

"Yes you will," she said cheerfully, having finally found the answers to all of her questions.

*

After a few uneventful days of blissful happiness, Headmaster Dumbledore addressed the sixth and seventh years on Thursday morning during breakfast.

"As you all know, your sixth year at Hogwarts School is the year in which you learn how to Apparate." Remus reddened a little at this statement, not feeling much better after Sirius' sympathetic clap on the shoulder. "Starting tomorrow, all sixth years old enough to take on these lessons- and any seventh years that did not pass last year who would like to retake the course- may do so. You have until after lunchtime tomorrow to sign up. Upon doing so, you will be given a pass to get out of class and go to your lesson. Now I am sure you are all thoroughly eager to do just that, so I shall stop talking so that you may." Standing up and moving as surreptitiously as he could, Remus went over to the sign up table, still with quite a bit of red in his cheeks.

"I didn't know Remus hadn't passed the test," Alice remarked a bit curiously. James shrugged.

"There has to be something he's not good at, otherwise he wouldn't be human." Lily suppressed a smile at James' words, having just learned of Remus'… condition. James didn't miss the sparkle in her eye as Alice did, though, and smiled at her knowingly. At that moment, Remus came back, still blushing.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Remus," Alice said, trying to console him.

"You're not the one who failed your test and has to retake it in front of a bunch of sixth years who know your reputation for getting nearly-perfect scores." This time, it was Alice's turn to color a little.

"Maybe I don't have a reputation like you do, but I didn't pass the first time I took the test either," she said quietly. After deciphering her near-whispered sentence, Remus looked up sharply, eyes wide in amazement.

"You didn't?" Alice shook her head.

"Then why didn't you sign up?"

"I signed up for the course at the Ministry over the summer. The only reason I could was because I live just a few blocks away." Remus nodded, considering her words.

"It's too bad I didn't think of that." Alice looked at him sympathetically.

"Well, you're here now, and you can take the test again, so don't let it get to you. There might also be a different teacher this year," Alice assured him once more.

"Thanks, Alice," Remus said, smiling at her. Alice smiled back a little shyly and returned to her breakfast. Lily quirked an eyebrow at the last few words of the exchange and was about to let it slide before she saw Frank Longbottom stop mid-step to turn around and walk back to his seat rather glumly. Making a mental note to talk to Alice in private at some point, Lily followed Alice's lead and continued to eat.

*

The rest of the day passed the same after breakfast as the others before it had with the exception of Lily noticing Alice's interactions with Remus and Frank more than usual. Finally, after dinner, Lily was able to pull her aside.

"Is something going on with you and Remus? Or you and Frank?" Alice blushed to the point of being almost crimson.

"I, um… well…"

"Alice, you know you can tell me anything, right? We've been friends since that catastrophe in first year." Alice stifled a laugh and nodded.

"Of course I do."

"Okay, then what's going on?"

"I don't know. I like Remus- he's smart, sweet, polite, and funny in his own way, but Frank- I don't know. I like him too. It's just so confusing..." Lily nodded.

"I understand… to a certain extent. I've never really experienced liking two boys at once, but I _have_ been confused by them." The girls laughed for a moment before returning to the conversation. "I don't know what to tell you, other than to follow your heart. Talk to both of them and get to know them a little better. And then maybe you can make some kind of decision. I think Frank really likes you."

"Really?" Alice asked. Lily smiled.

"Yes. I saw him start walking over to us this morning at breakfast."

"But why didn't he?"

"Maybe he lost his nerve," Lily said with a shrug.

"Or maybe he overheard my conversation with Remus…" Alice said sadly. Lily hugged her.

"Don't start blaming yourself. Just get to know each of them well enough and I'm sure you'll have no problem sorting out your feelings."

"Thanks, Lily."

"Not a problem," she replied, saying goodbye to Alice as they reached an intersection. Alice went off to the Common Room and Lily to the Library. _Now if only I could make sense of _my_ feelings…_ She thought. _Oh, who am I kidding? That probably won't happen for quite some time. If only I didn't have Potter on the brain…_ she mused with a bit of frustration.

Lily walked up and down the aisles of books, scanning the shelves for one that jumped out at her. Nothing did at first, and she was starting to get a bit upset at the lack of distraction from her thoughts and feelings.

Finally, after what seemed like forever (but was only about twenty minutes), she stopped in her tracks and examined an untitled leather-bound volume. She pulled it off the shelf and opened to the first page which happened to be an introduction.

_It is a well-known fact in the magical world that those unaware of magic both fear and wonder at the possibility of magic. But an even more well-known fact is that Muggles struggle with controlling and making sense of their feelings just as much as Wizarding folk. This story, which the author kept unnamed for unknown reasons, is about a young Muggle girl who struggles to understand the mystery of love and its effects on the human heart, while trying to get through an inexplicable infatuation with the most unexpected person_ _herself._

Lily stopped reading there, for she didn't want to be told any other details about the stories except from the author. She turned to the end of the introduction and started reading as she walked back to the front of the Library to check it out.

Ms. Pince, a young witch who had worked as a secretary at the Ministry of Magic for a few years before returning to Hogwarts to care for its many books, gave her a stern glance as she scribbled down the book's information on a small card and handed it over for Lily to sign.

"Mind you don't rough it up, young lady," she said. Lily nodded.

"Of course not. Thank you." Ms. Pince waved her away, grudgingly acknowledging her thanks. Lily left the Library, somehow managing to navigate through the hallways with her nose stuck in the book. If she had any doubts about distracting herself from her thoughts, there were none now.

*

"Whatcha reading, Evans?" James asked the morning after next- Saturday- with a mind for mischief. Lily glanced up at him, slightly annoyed to be pulled away from the most exciting part of the book yet.

"A book."

"I can see that, but what _kind_ of book?"

"A good one."

"What's it about?"

"Why are you asking? As far as I know, you hate to read."

"Well, maybe I've changed." Lily looked at him.

"James, this book doesn't even have pictures in it."

"Okay, maybe not. Maybe I'm asking because you've had your nose in that thing since you got down here, instead of talking to the rest of us."

"Are you saying you're jealous of a book?"

"Psh! No…." His eyes shifted back and forth.

"Would you like me to stop reading, James?"

"….yes."

"Well too bad." James' face fell and he leaned over to whisper something to Sirius, who looked at his best friend like he was a crazy person before turning back towards Lily.

"Lilyflower, it has been brought to my attention that you have been reading that article of… reading material almost nonstop since you arrived. It has also been brought to my attention that certain members of this group find this both strange and upsetting. On this member's behalf, I would like to petition you to please close the book." For a few moments, all Lily could do was stare at him.

"Did… you just give a mildly intelligent speech?"

"Did I? Oh… whoops!" Lily rolled her eyes at his apparent surprise.

"Does this member really wish me to stop reading?"

"I believe so," Sirius said at the same instant that James cried, "_Yes!_"

"All right, fine. I suppose the book can wait. Especially if you two are going to bother me if I try to keep reading anyway."

"That we would," James said happily as he watched Lily close the book and return it to her bag. Sirius smiled triumphantly, but he had to admit he was a little upset that he didn't get the chance to say _piranha_ over and over again as part of his master plan.

*

Lily spent the day as she normally would have, except for the small fact that her mind kept wandering back to the book in her bag whenever she wasn't being distracted by the Marauders and Alice. The result at the end of the day was an irritated Lily Evans. The group was in the Common Room and doing various things and Lily, the only one without something to do, surreptitiously pulled out her book and started to read. Her annoyance melted away with each turn of a page. However, it all came rushing back when…

"Lily? …Liiilllyyy. Lily!" Her head snapped up when she heard her name. Two lovely hazel eyes floated in her line of vision, rimmed by a pair of spectacles, and nearly covered with thick, dark-brown hair. Lily felt herself being drawn in by those stunning eyes before she jerked herself back- both mentally and physically, as James had his face not two inches from hers.

"What is it, Potter?" she snapped, feeling a flicker of satisfaction when she saw James pale just ever so slightly.

"You're, erm… reading again?"

"And?" She asked with a completely straight face.

"Umm…"

"You want me to stop reading so I can focus all of my attention on you."

"…Maaaayyybe?" Lily sighed and ran a hand through her hair before marking her place in the book and closing it. James' face lit up momentarily. It went dark again when Lily picked up her bag and started to turn away.

"W-Where are you going, Lily???"

"Up to the dorm, where I can read in peace and quiet."

"But-"

"'But' what, Potter? I didn't read all day because you asked, but now the day's almost over and I want to read. And since I can't do that if you're in the room…" She sighed. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to Alice's dorm for now, where you can't get at me." Lily turned and made her way up the stairs, completely oblivious to the fact that she had just done something that James Potter wouldn't ignore- a challenge.

As it was early, for the Marauders at least, James enlisted Sirius to help him lure Lily back down again. After tossing back a few ideas that Remus shot down with his usual grasp of common sense, James was fully put out.

"We're never going to get her back down here!" He said in despair.

"Don't say that Mate," Sirius said. "Let's think about it a bit longer."

"We don't have any more ideas. There's nothing to think about except how horrible it feels not to have her here."

"James, stop being melodramatic. It's not attractive," Alice told him. Immediately, James sat up straight and attempted to smooth out the distressed lines on his forehead. Alice smiled a little and shook her head. Out of nowhere, Sirius snapped his fingers.

"I've got it! Let's loose a dozen piranhas on her!" James looked at his friend in horror.

"And let them eat my Lilyflower? Never!"

"Where would you get piranhas anyway?" Remus inquired. Sirius shrugged.

"I dunno. But it would be quite amusing to do that to the Slytherins sometime." James smiled, allowing himself to be momentarily distracted from his dilemma. Then all of a sudden he grinned, looking at Alice happily.

"I know. Why don't _you_ go convince her to come back down, Alice?"

"James, I'm not going to do that to her. She wants to be left alone, and I'm not going to be the one to intrude on her solitude. Sorry." James frowned as he went back to thinking of a way to get Lily to come back. Finally, Remus sighed and shook his head in amazement at how thick headed his friends could be.

"Why don't _you_ go up there yourself, Prongs?" Upon realizing his outright stupidity, James slapped a hand to his forehead and groaned.

"Why didn't I think of that? That's a great idea, Moony!" he jumped up and ran towards the stairs before Sirius called to him.

"What about the stairs, Mate?" James stopped mid-step and his shoulders slumped. He walked back to his previously vacated armchair and plopped down, promptly beginning to sulk.

"The one idea that could work, and I'm thwarted yet again." Alice giggled.

"Thwarted? When did you learn that word?" James shrugged.

"Moony, I guess. Or maybe one night when Sirius was looking through the dictionary for dirty words." Alice gave Sirius an odd look before turning back to James.

"Since you can't walk up the stairs…" James glanced up at her with only the dimmest bit of hope in his eyes.

"Why don't you fly?!" Sirius shouted, realizing where Alice's train of thought was going. James jumped out of his chair again and ran towards the stairs to the boys' dormitory. He was back and carrying his broom before you could say '_humuhumunukunukuapua__'a_'. **(a/n: a kind of Hawaiian triggerfish)** Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Alice stared after him as he jumped on the broom and flew up the stairs.

*

Lily was not happy to find her reading interrupted yet again, but since she heard all manner of crashes and bangs and thuds outside her dormitory door, she thought it best to figure out what was going on. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and walked over to the door. Upon opening it and seeing James Potter sprawled across the ground underneath a shattered vase and a broken broom, she nearly slammed it shut to return to her reading. However, knowing she was Head Girl and ought to find out what the devil he was doing, she reluctantly set her book down and stepped outside the room.

"What are you doing, Potter?" she asked wearily.

"I wanted to see you, so I got my broom and flew up here, but I passed the door and hit this wall…and this vase...and that wall…and your door… Not to mention I broke my broom. That's not going to go over well with Mummy… oh dear." Lily stood above him, taking his words in with her eyebrow quirked and trying desperately not to laugh.

"Potter, get up, fix the vase, and take your broken wood back downstairs with you."

"But what about you? Aren't you coming back down, too?"

"I am." James brightened immediately and leapt off the floor in delight.

"Excellent, wonderful! Thank you, Lilyflower!" He pointed his wand at the broken shards of pottery and happily fixed it, returning it to its proper spot.

"Potter, I'm going back downstairs so I can get to my real dorm. I'm not hanging around here to be tormented by you relentlessly." James sighed and turned now-woeful eyes upon her.

"But…Lilyflower…" he started. Lily looked at him in surprise, not ready for the deep and meaningful remark that seemed imminent. "It's so much _fun_ to torment you relentlessly!" He started to grin, but thought better of it when he saw Lily's surprise turn into a scowl.

"Well, that's a shame, because I'm not staying to give you that chance." She turned on her heel and collected her belongings from Alice's floor before turning again to descend the staircase at a pace so fast, it took James a few moments to process her movements. Once he recovered himself and raced down the stairs after her, broom forgotten, he had only a glimpse of her red hair before she disappeared and the portrait hole swung back into place. He sighed and slumped into his armchair yet again.

"Prongs?" Sirius asked.

"What, Sirius," James said unhappily.

"You know it'll be easier to get to her now, right?"

"What's the point? She obviously doesn't want me to go chasing after her."

"What did you say to her, James?" Remus asked. He and Alice seemed to be the only ones who noticed how angry Lily seemed.

"I told her I went to see her, and she told me she didn't want to be bothered by me, and then…" Remus looked at him expectantly.

"And then… what?"

"He said something stupid, of course!" Sirius said. Remus looked at the pained look on James face before he decided Sirius was correct in his assumption.

"You did, didn't you, Prongs?"

"What do you think, Moony?" James sighed. "I told her after that… Oh I'm so stupid! I said 'but it's so much fun to torment you' and she got angry and left." Sirius snorted and Remus shot him a warning look. James sighed again and started to pace, angry at himself.

"Maybe you should go apologize," Alice suggested. The other three started at the sound of her voice, having forgotten she was there. Would she tell Lily how utterly in love James was? How would Lily react? James and Sirius seemed no to share these thoughts with Remus as Sirius said, "Hah! Apologies don't do anything!" and James just sighed again.

"I would, but she doesn't want to talk to me," he said sadly, running a hand through his hair in distress.

"Wow, Prongs, you really screwed things up, didn't you?" Sirius asked, completely oblivious to the fact that James was on the verge of breaking down.

"Why don't you shut the hell up, Sirius?!" James replied, turning towards him angrily. Sirius' grin dissipated, replaced by a look of utter shock. Remus chose that moment to wisely intervene.

"Sirius, I agree that you should shut up. But James, you need to calm down. It's not Sirius that's got you so unhappy."

"You're right, Moony. It's my own _stupid_ actions! Ugh!!!" James spat the word with every ounce of disgust at himself he could muster. Alice, realizing how quickly things could deteriorate even further from there, stood up and followed Remus' lead.

"James, I'll bring your broom down from upstairs and then you and I can go talk to Lily. Give me moment and I'll be right down." Alice jogged up the stairs, dumped her things in her dorm and collected the splintered pieces of wood from the ground. When she returned, James was pacing again, this time in front of the portrait hole, waiting for her. The two left together without needing to say a word and headed for the tower.

"Tiddlywinks," James said when they reached the entrance. The two of them stepped through the portrait hole together, but James turned to her when they were inside.

"I'm going to go to bed- I'm not up to talking to her. Make sure the portrait hole swings shut behind you when you leave." Alice nodded, and followed him up the short flight of stairs and opened the door that James pointed to.

"Lily?" Alice asked quietly once the door was shut firmly behind her. Lily sighed lightly and closed her book, finger keeping track of the page. She looked up from where she was sitting in a fluffy armchair in the corner.

"Yes, Alice?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine."

"Really? Because you were quite…upset when you left."

"Maybe so. But everything's fine now."

"So you keep saying. But last year you wouldn't have run and hid from James when he annoyed you." Lily shrugged, appearing indifferent.

"That was last year. Besides: I was kept from my book all day and when I finally took out the book again, James- the one who I put the book away for in the first place- asked me to put it away so I could attend to him!"

"I understand… But do you think James does?" Lily looked at her blankly for a moment before saying, "No, I expect he doesn't. He's too selfish to understand that people don't live just to take care of him and amuse him." Alice sighed.

"You said you're different than you were last year, and I have to agree. But I also think you're missing the fact that James has changed, too."

"Well if he has, he certainly didn't demonstrate that tonight!" Lily stated in frustration.

"Not from where you were standing, no, he doesn't seem to have changed. But you left the Common Room before you heard him berate himself over and over for his actions. Do you think he would've felt a single bit of remorse after angering you last year?"

"He…he felt…bad?" Lily was in disbelief. Alice smiled kindly.

"Yes. He was pacing, and groaning, and cursing himself for his stupidity. He was in a bad state… He still is."

"But why…?" Lily's brow furrowed. "That doesn't make any sense. What…?" She sighed and shook her head. She stood and ran a hand through her hair, leaving the book in the chair without even marking the page.

"Thank you for letting me know, Alice. Now if you'll excuse me, there's someone I need to talk to. You wouldn't mind waiting downstairs, would you?"

"Of course not. Or, if you prefer…I could go back to the Common Room all together."

"Yes, that would be nice. Thank you." Lily was fully distracted by her thoughts as she said goodbye to Alice and knocked on James' door.

"I said I don't want to talk to her, Alice," she heard him say. She took a deep breath.

"It's not Alice. I- I'm sorry… James." There was a distinct silence from inside the room and Lily held her breath, waiting for a response. She was about to turn and go back to her room in defeat when the door flew open and James stood there, a look of disbelief plainly written on his face.

"Lily?" She nodded.

"Can I come in?" James wordlessly stepped back, giving her room to step in. He shut the door when she did, staring at her with unsure eyes. Lily sighed as she sat down forcefully into his armchair.

"About earlier tonight…" he started, "Lily, I'm sorry. I was out of line to insist that you put your book away. I shouldn't have said what I did about tormenting you. I should have thought about how you felt, not just myself. I was wrong to be so self centered and I-"

"James. I should be sorry the sorry one. I shouldn't have been so- I should have explained myself before I lost control. I should have done things differently. I should have- I should have been flattered that you came to bring me back down instead of yelling at you and being unkind. I should have-"

She was cut short by James taking her head in his hands and stopping her torrent of words with his lips. Such soft, strong, wonderful lips… Lily kissed him back passionately and stood to make the kiss more comfortable for both of them, about to protest when he pulled away. He touched his forehead to hers, staring into her eyes, hands still holding her head.

"James," she whispered.

"Yes, Lily?" He asked with a small smile.

"I… What was that for?" Lily was still whispering, not completely believing what had just happened.

"That was for you." He kissed her again, but this time it was short and sweet- bittersweet when Lily broke the kiss and stepped back.

"Well then… Thank you." Her cheeks were flushed and her lips slightly swollen. She made for the door, the last words she heard before the door shut behind her being, "Well, you're welcome then." She smiled both in amusement and delight when they registered, flopping onto her bed in utter ecstasy. In the other room, James had the same foolish smile on his face and the same weak knees. He fell into the armchair, eyes glazed over with the same sensation of euphoria. He reveled in the memory of the feel of her body against his, their lips touching, his last thoughts before he drifted off were of her beautiful emerald-green eyes and her flushed, happy face and her mussed fire-red hair before she left the room.

*

Sunday morning, James and Lily joined the rest of the Marauders and Alice for breakfast much later than they normally would have. Needless to say, Sirius noticed this- and their tendency to blush when they exchanged words- at once, his mind turning to the most obvious thing that could have happened between them. At least in his world, that is.

"Have fun last night, Prongs?" he asked with a cheeky grin.

"What's that, Sirius?" he asked, a dangerous look on his face. Unfortunately for Sirius, he didn't pick up on it.

"I asked if you and Evans had fun last night." Lily's face flamed bright red, but she managed to choke out a response.

"Nothing happened, Sirius. At least not what you're thinking."

"And what am I thinking, Evans?" he inquired, trying to get her to share her story.

"You know what you're thinking, and I'm not going to say the words out loud because I know you're just going to find some way to twist them. Besides: if anything _did_ happen between us, it wouldn't be your business," she told him, slicing her ham into smaller and smaller pieces to keep herself from brandishing the knife at him.

"So you're saying nothing happened?"

"Do you need your ears checked? I just said it two minutes ago."

"No, I heard you. I just don't believe you."

"Sirius Black. I don't care whether you think I'm telling the truth or not, but I'll say it one more time: nothing happened between us last night. Nothing. Now shut your big mouth and eat your food." Since he hadn't seen James' death glare before, it was quite surprising that he noticed Lily's, gulped, and did as she said. Lily allowed herself a triumphant smile, but it vanished when, in one quick, fluid movement, James stood up from his place next to Sirius, threw his napkin down and stormed out of the Great Hall. Lily stared after him in shock for a moment, ignoring the worried and pitying looks from her friends, before standing up as well and following him out.

"James!" she called as soon as the doors were shut behind her. "James! Please! I didn't mean it- It was just to shut Sirius up! Oh, no, what have I done?" She sighed and slumped against the wall, sliding down to a sitting position, feeling utterly horrible. Tears sprang to her eyes and she wept, not caring in the slightest a few minutes later when student streamed out of the Great Hall and promptly started to stare and whisper. After most of them had gone, Remus came up to her.

"Lily?" When he got nothing but more tears, he sat down next to her and pulled her into a hug.

"W-what am I g-going to do, Remus? I w-wasn't trying to h-hurt him- I j-just wanted to get r-rid of Sirius."

"Shh. Lily, it's all right. Everything will be fine. Just wait for him to calm down, to blow off some steam. You wouldn't get him to listen right now anyway. As for Sirius, I think he knows not to bring it up again." Lily's tears gradually came to a stop and she sniffed, snuggling closer to Remus, letting his words and his embrace comfort her as much as they could.

"But what if he doesn't listen even after he's calmed down? What if he hates me?"

"Lily, if he hated you, he wouldn't get upset when you said nothing happened last night."

"I guess you're right. I just feel so stupid."

"You're not stupid, Lily. Not in the slightest."

"Thank you Remus."

"That's what friends are for, right?" He felt her nod her head and they sat in contented silence for a few moments.

"He kissed me, you know."

"What?"

"I went back to apologize to him, but he kissed me instead of letting me finish. It was-" She sighed. "I guess it doesn't matter anymore, does it?"

"Of course it matters. Obviously to you and to him. Now why don't we go down to the kitchens and get you some more breakfast, since you didn't finish?" Lily nodded and he helped her up.

"Thank you again, Remus."

"Not a problem." She smiled and hugged him before they started off.

*

Once Remus had gotten Lily to eat something and left her with three of her friends with the assurance that she would be fine, fine, just fine, he went in search of James. Not finding him in any of his usual haunts, Remus decided to leave him be- at least for now. Both he and Lily needed to calm down and cool off. With a sigh, he went back up to Gryffindor Tower, where, much to his surprise, he saw Sirius sprawled across a sofa with his face buried in what appeared to be the book Lily had been reading the night before.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?" Oddly enough, Sirius seemed to be as obsessed with the book as Lily had been. And it supposedly didn't even have pictures in it.

"What are you doing?"

"Reading." Remus couldn't help himself- he laughed.

"You? Reading? Hell, Padfoot! It's not even _Bunny and Doggie_."

"Oh, those old things? I finished them all a while ago." His voice was slightly muffled as he spoke into the pages of the book.

"So why didn't you ask for more? Sirius sighed and closed the book.

"_Because_ you were out looking for _Prongs_ and I got _bored_ and I wanted something to _read_ and the only think I could _think of_ was the book that _Lily_ was reading," Remus stared at him, a little befuddled by the stress on random words and the many octaves Sirius covered while stressing them. After Remus had been looking at him oddly for a few moments, Sirius blinked once and said happily, "So here I am!" Once a few more seconds had passed, Remus shook his head in disbelief, finally finding words.

"That's incredible. You're actually reading a book. And it doesn't have pictures. And it's got to be at least 200 pages."

"Two-hundred and sixty-four."

"Right. But still… That's amazing."

"Are you really that surprised that I'm amazing, Moony? Really?" Remus just shook his head again, not realizing that he was inadvertently encouraging Sirius.

"So you _do_ think I'm amazing! Yay!" Unfortunately for Sirius, Remus was still preoccupied with his incredulity, so he was left in a somewhat lonely silence, since Peter had disappeared again. Once he was sufficiently uncomfortable with the lack of noise…

"Moony?" Remus turned to look at Sirius with a questioning look.

"What? Are you going to tell me you've read Shakespeare's _Hamlet_, too?"

"…No. Is that a good book, though?!"

"It's a play, actually. What were you saying, Sirius?"

"Oh, right. Have you thought of a new word of the whimpy for me yet? It _is_ Soondey…" Remus blinked, surprised that he had forgotten. He smiled as he remembered the conversation he'd had with Lily when he'd told her he was a werewolf and she hadn't freaked out.

"How about _octopus_?"

"Ooh, what's that? It sounds gross."

"You've got a dictionary, haven't you?" Sirius nodded, as excited as a young boy who had just received a large chocolate bar for his birthday. Remus rolled his eyes and waited patiently, suddenly quite drained, as Sirius hurried to turn to the appropriate page.

*

**Octopus: **_any of numerous carnivorous marine mollusks of the genus __Octopus__ or related genera, found worldwide. The octopus has a rounded soft body, eight tentacles with each bearing two rows of suckers, a large distinct head, and a strong beaklike mouth. Also called _devilfish_._

*

Remus had been looking for a moment to find James all the next day, but he seemed to disappear after each class, only showing himself when he was required to. He had disappeared once again after supper and Remus had found him in their dorm listening sulkily to some music on the magically-powered radio. He stepped in just in time for James to get fed up with the upbeat, poppy tunes and fling the radio across the room with a growl. Much to his disappointment, it continued to spit out bursts of sickly sweet notes.

"Um, hi Prongs."

"What do you want, Moony?" he said irritably.

"Let's leave me out of this. What do you want, James? Why are you in such a horrible mood and why haven't you been around all day?"

"I _want_ Sirius to learn to shut big mouth. I _want_ that stupid radio to stop playing that crap. I _want_ Lily to stop being a stuck up, snobbish, patronizing _witch_. I _want_-"

"Don't say that."

"Don't say _what_, Moony?"

"Don't say that about Lily. She didn't do anything wrong."

"She said what happened two nights ago was _nothing_. And she said it over and over, like it didn't matter at all."

"It's true that she said it was nothing. Did you ever stop and think that maybe she didn't really think it? That she was trying to get Sirius off her back? For Merlin's _sake_, James! Stop being such a selfish idiot and stop sulking!" Remus turned and stalked out the room, slamming the door behind him. James stared at the spot where Remus had just been standing. Finally, when he realized what a prat he'd been, he flopped back on his old bed with a groan.

After a few moments of cursing his utter stupidity, he stood up and ran a hand through his hair. He flung the door open and raced down the stairs to the Common Room, only to stop in his tracks when he saw Lily sitting with Alice and three other girls whose names escaped him. He was about to go down and talk to her when their voices floated over to him.

"Don't worry, Lily. He doesn't deserve you," said one- Jillian, he thought her name was.

"Yeah, he's such a prat for not understanding," said another one. He thought her name was Leah. The third one sat silently on the sofa next to Lily, an arm comfortingly around her shoulders. That was Cassandra. Lily smiled kindly at them.

"Thanks guys." Muttering a curse under his breath, James turned and started back up the stairs. Alice saw him then and got up to run over to him.

"James, what are you doing down here?"

"I was going to apologize, but it seems those three are doing it for me already."

"Oh, they don't know what really happened. They're just sprouting off the usual brainless assurances. And they're not convincing Lily, I can tell you that. You go to the Library and wait somewhere I can find you, and I'll try to get her out there in a few minutes."

"Thanks Alice, but you really don't have to…"

"I know that. But Lily's my best friend, and she loves you- she really does. I want to do this." James smiled at her.

"I guess I'll be getting to the Library then, shall I?" Alice smiled back and nodded, walking quickly back to the other four.

*

"Alice, where are we going?" Lily asked her when they had left the Common Room.

"Nowhere special…" she said evasively, still walking quickly, forcing Lily to nearly jog behind her.

"If it isn't anything important, why aren't you telling me?"

"Okay, fine." Alice turned to look at her, the Library's double doors looming behind her. "We're here."

"The Library? Why?" Alice shrugged and turned, pushing the doors open to allow Lily to step through. Lily followed, stopping in place when her eyes landed on a familiar-looking head of messy black hair across the room. She said nothing for a moment, mouth open in mild shock before she straightened herself and said firmly, "No." She turned away and took a few steps, only to be stopped by Alice.

"Oh, please, Lily. Come on. You can't still be mad at him. And I know he's not mad at you anymore." Lily just looked her in the eye for a moment before shaking her head and turning around again, taking another three steps. This time, Alice laid a hand on her arm and Lily reluctantly turned back to look at her.

"Honestly, Lily, don't be silly. _You love him_." Lily stared at her, face expressionless, but eyes speaking so many different things at once. Alice blinked once and swallowed. "Fine. Leave. But I know the truth, and so do you." She released her hold on Lily's arm and said quietly, "And I'm fairly sure James does, too." Lily sighed. "Oh, all right. I'll talk to him. But I still have nothing to say about your… other comment." Alice smiled smugly.

"You don't have to. You just need to talk to him. Now go." Alice turned her in the direction of James' table and gave her a small push in the right direction.

*

"James?" he heard her ask slowly, quietly, tentatively. He smiled slightly, not really caring if she saw the small crinkles by his eyes. He made sure to school his expression before he replied, though.

"Yes, Lily?"

"I'm… I'm sorry." He nodded slowly, as if considering her apology. He wouldn't tell her that he had heard her whole conversation with Alice, but he wanted to make sure that what her friend had said was right.

"I accept your apology. I was a bit… I shouldn't have gotten so upset. I'm sorry if I hurt you." He saw her fake a smile and shake her head.

"Of course not. That would have been silly."

"Why?"

"Well, because… Because I was the one who made the mistake. I should have been more considerate."

"No, it's my fault. Like I said before- I overreacted. I'm sorry."

"James, you don't need to apologize for anything. I-" Lily stopped midsentence when James started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"It's just that we keep going back and forth even though we've already forgiven each other." Lily thought about it for a moment and giggled.

"I guess you're right. Why don't we forget this whole thing ever happened?"

"Sounds like a plan."

"Good. …James?"

"Yes, Lily Dearest?"

"October's almost over. We should probably crack down and start planning something for Halloween."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea. But it's kind of late. Maybe we can talk about it sometime tomorrow or Wednesday?"

"Sure. See you later, James"

"Right. Good night, Lilyflower."

*

"Morning, Prongs!" Sirius shouted in James' ear the next morning. He had decided to room with them for the night, since he wanted to take things slow with Lily.

"What the _hell_, Padfoot?" He glanced at the glowing numbers on the clock. "We don't need to be up for another two hours!"

"Maybe not for class, but we're going down to the kitchens for a hearty breakfast! Now get up!" James sat up unwillingly, running a hand through his hair and picking his glasses off the bedside table.

"Do I have a choice?" he asked, fitting the spectacles across his nose.

"Nope!"

"…Fine. Just as long as we're not eating octopus." Sirius looked all around the room just then, avoiding James' eyes.

"…No. Of course not… Now let's go!" He grinned and skipped across the room to get dressed. James sighed and got out of bed, following Sirius' lead.

*

James couldn't help but groan in dismay when he got sight of what was lying atop the central table in the kitchens. A giant dead octopus leered at him, slimy tentacles hanging off the edge of the table. He stared at the tiny, round suction cups for a few moments, in quite a daze.

"What… the… hell?" he said quietly.

"It's an octopus, Jamesie! Y'know... my new word of the whimpy???" Sirius looked at him expectantly.

"I… I don't know what to say. You've really outdone yourself, Padfoot." Sirius clapped his hands together once in glee.

"Why _thank_ you!" He replied loudly and cheerfully for so early in the morning.

"I didn't mean that as a compliment, Padfoot."

"Oh…" Sirius let a twinge of sadness overtake him for a moment before standing up straight and clapping his hands together. "But you still want breakfast, right?!?" James looked at him, thinking carefully.

"Yes…?"

"Yay!!" Sirius positively squealed before turning towards the mass of house elves waiting to do his bidding. It's a good thing Sirius wasn't secretly evil, or he could do big things- those house elves absolutely adored him. "Let's see… Lucy? Albert? The omelets first, please."

"Yes, Mr. Black, Sir. And would Master Potter like anything?"

"A glass of milk and some chocolate chip pancakes with syrup if it's not too much trouble."

"Oh, not at all, Sir. No problem at all."

"Prongsiiiiieee! Why won't you try iiiiiiitt?!"

"I'd rather not start my day off with a breakfast made of…questionably fresh octopus meat, thanks."

"But I promise it will be delicious!!"

"Fine, Padfoot. I'll try it. But don't be disappointed if I spit it right back out."

"Yay!" At that moment, two large plates overflowing with egg-covered octopus and cheese, as well as hash browns and buttered toast, were brought in by at least four house elves. James sat down at the table reluctantly, picking up his fork and cutting into the omelet with caution. Sirius watched excitedly from his seat on the other side of the table, leaning forward with anticipation as James brought the fork to his mouth, deposited the piece of omelet and slowly chewed. An odd look crossed James' face, leaving Sirius in the middle of a thick, octopus-filled pool of suspense.

"It's not completely vile…" James started. Sirius grinned and pumped his fist in the air triumphantly. "But I still don't like it." Sirius' grin immediately vanished.

"Why not? I think octopus tastes delicious- quite delectable, really…" James stared at him.

"Have you been reading the dictionary, Padfoot?" Sirius' eyes shifted back and forth.

"…Nooooooo…. But really Jamesie, why don't you like it?"

"Maybe because it tastes like moldy fish and has a texture even more slippery and slimy than rubber?" James asked rhetorically.

"Not 'it', Prongs! 'He'! The octopus' name was Henry!"

"…You… named… an octopus?"

"Not just _any_ octopus! He's the one you're eating right now! And that one over there? Her name is Claudia. She was Henry's older sister." James gave Sirius a strange look, making it clear how extremely insane Sirius seemed- and probably was- at that moment.

"Are you being serious, or have you gone completely off your rocker?"

"What about my rocker Jamesie? ARE YOU INSULTING MY ROCKER?!?!?" Sirius had jumped out of his chair and stood naught but two inches from James' face. All the better to scream at him.

"What the bloody hell are you talking about, Pads? Being 'off your rocker' is a Muggle term for complete and total insanity." Sirius retreated, giving James his space with a smile.

"Oh! Well then, yes. I have. Gone off my rocker, that is. Now, if you won't eat your eight-legged creature, may I have it?" James gave Sirius another odd look, but said nothing. Sirius took this as a yes and pulled the plate across the table, devouring it in no less than six or seven bites. If he were a dog, his mother would have been proud. Oh wait a minute…

Slightly disgusted, James turned away just in time to see two more house elves struggling with a plate covered with so many chocolate chip pancakes that it looked like a wedding cake. James raised his eyebrows and Sirius' eyes bugged out.

"I said a few, not as many as you could make from scratch in three minutes…" James said, a bit stunned.

"We are always here to help, Master Potter. Do our efforts please you?" James thought a moment.

"…No." The house elf's eyes grew wide and his lower lip started to tremble. "W-well that's only because I only asked for two or three pancakes and you went and made nearly a hundred. I didn't want to cause you trouble." The house elf immediately brightened.

"Master is too kind. Fidget will do better next time, Sir. Fidget would not want Master to be unhappy or displeased."

"Oh stop all that rubbish. I'm not your master… I'm your friend."

"F-friend?" Fidget asked. No one had ever asked him to be their friend before…

"Why, yes. Friends. Let's start over, shall we? Hello, I'm James Potter. Glad to make your acquaintance." He extended his hand, and Fidget winced, expecting a blow. But when none came, he straightened up and shook hands with James tentatively.

"Name's Fidget, Sir."

"Not Sir. Call me James."

"…James," Fidget said hesitantly. James grinned.

"There you go."

"Jamesie!!!"

"What the hell is it now, Padfoot?"

"Come eat your pancakes before I do."

"I'll be there in a minute," he said before turning back to Fidget. "It was very nice to meet you Fidget. I'll see you later."

"Goodbye Mast- James." James smiled at Fidget and returned to the table where his pancakes sat, breaking Sirius' eerie gaze on his delectable meal. Hopefully today would go better than yesterday.

*

Lily and James decided to eat a quick lunch before heading up to the library to work on the dance. Suffice to say, their reconciliation was a bit awkward and slow-going, but after a little while, they settled into a rhythm. By the end of lunch, the two had the entire dance planned out. So it was with an air of confidence that Lily was able to stand up that evening during supper and make her announcement. The dance would be held Saturday night at seven o'clock sharp, and anyone who wished to attend needed to wear a costume and mask. Lily took her seat again as a pleased and excited murmur spread through the Great Hall.

"Glad that's over with," she said breezily to Alice.

"Actually, it's not."

"What do you mean? Everyone knows about the dance now." Alice rolled her eyes.

"I didn't mean it like _that_. I meant that you still have to come up with a costume! And it has to be gorgeous!"

"Umm… I wasn't going to attend, Alice."

"WHAT?!?! You've got to go Lily! This is your chance to completely make up with James!"

"What do you mean? We've already made up. I spent practically all of lunch with him in the library."

"Fine. But you've got to go because you're Head Girl. What would people think if Lily Evans- dependable, respectable, respon-"

"All right, all right. I'll go. But I won't be happy about it."

"Yes. Yes you will." Lily rolled her eyes and went back to her meal.

*

"There! That's it! Perfect! You've definitely got to buy it." Lily just stared at Alice blankly. She was definitely not feeling the skin-colored mandrake costume that Alice made her try on.

"No. Just- just NO." Alice rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"Fine. Be that way."

"I will."

"Just don't blame me when you realize that that costume is the best thing you could possibly wear to the dance."

"Then why don't you wear it?" Alice coughed.

"Ummmm….. Allrighty-then. How about…. this one?" She pulled a costume off the rack and showed it to Lily.

"I did _not_ speak with Professor McGonagall about special Head Girl privileges for an _hour_ just to come to Hogsmeade and try on a _hot pink_ Pygmy Puff costume!"

"All right. Suit yourself. You can find your own costume then."

"Fine." Both Alice and Lily scanned the racks in silence. A few minutes later, Alice squealed in what was supposedly delight.

"Oh my gosh! Is this not, like, the most perfect costume _ever_?!?!?" Lily looked at the veela costumes skeptically.

"Umm… Exactly _what_ _kind_ of look are you going for?"

"Cute but available. Why?"

"That costume doesn't say 'cute and available'. It says, 'look all you want and touch all you like, because I'm a hooker tonight'." Lily crossed her arms and nodded decisively at the end of her mini-monologue.

"Oh… really? You think so?" Lily raised an eyebrow. Alice sighed. "Right then." She put the costume back on the rack, looking a tad defeated. Then her eye caught on a beautiful light turquoise renaissance gown complete with a white sash that tied at the waist and flowed all the way down to the floor, long, open sleeves, and a short train at the back. Slowly, she took it off the rack and held it up to her body, looking in the mirror.

"It's beautiful," she breathed. Lily nodded in agreement.

"You've definitely got to get that one."

"You think so?" Lily nodded again.

"Much better than a veela." Alice's stunned expression transformed into a broad grin.

"Brilliant!" Then, her momentary euphoria vanishing, she looked at Lily. "But, what about you?"

"Oh, I'll find something. If I don't I just… won't go, I guess."

"Nonsense! We're _going_ to find you a costume. And after we do, you're _going_ to go to the dance." Lily sighed.

"Fine. But we'd better make it quick. McGonagall only gave us two and a half- Oh my goodness…." Lily didn't bother to finish her rant. Instead, her eyes fell upon a royal purple dress, cut open at the front to reveal white petticoats. The bodice was embroidered with intricate flowers and tight purple sleeves that made their way to the elbows, where white stretches of cloth peeked out from underneath.

"Lily? Lily? Are you okay?" Alice asked, failing to notice to where Lily's attention was directed. When she finally realized what Lily was looking at, Alice smiled smugly.

"I knew we'd find you the prefect costume." Lily nodded, still speechless. With a grin, Alice snatched it off the rack and put it in Lily's hands, pushing her best friend into the nearest changing room. Alice took her dress into the adjacent one and stepped out a few moments later. Lily stepped out a second after. Both girls looked at each other in their gowns, silent for a few seconds. Then, they started squealing in utter happiness, appearing for all the world like regular Muggle teenagers. But they were in Hogsmeade. So scratch that last bit. Immersed in bliss, Lily and Alice paid for their costumes and started the trek back to Hogwarts castle.

*

Sirius, Remus, and Peter sat around a cozy fire in the Head Tower, passing the time in lazy contentment.

"Remind me why we're here and not in the Common Room?" Remus asked.

"Does there need to be a reason?" Sirius asked, hoping Remus wouldn't put a damper on his good mood. Remus shrugged.

"Not really. But how'd you get the password?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Prongs needs to find a better way to memorize things other than writing them a hundred different times on everything he owns."

"Good point. But what if he or Lily comes in?"

"No worries. Lily and her friend Ashley or whatever went down to Hogsmeade to find dresses for the dance."

"Her name's Alice. And you _do_ realize that if they do indeed return with dresses, they won't be your run of the mill dress robes, right?"

"Why wouldn't they be?" Sirius questioned his friend, puzzled.

"Because it's a costume party..." Remus informed as if he should have known all along. Which he should have, but that's beside the point.

"_WHAT?!?!?!_ No way! That's impossible."

"No it's not. I told everyone at supper two days ago on Tuesday." Sirius jumped out of his chair, scared half to death by the sound of Lily's annoyed voice coming from right behind him. Recovering his composure, he smiled his most charming smile, ready to lay it on thick.

"Oh. Hello there, Evans. You look nice tonight." Lily rolled her eyes in unison with Remus.

"Save it, Sirius. Please. How did you three get in here?" She was met with silence. "I swear, if James told you the password, I'll-"

"It wasn't James," Remus inserted quickly. Another fight between those two would _not_ be good. Especially since things weren't completely back to normal between them yet.

"Then how'd you get in?" she asked, tapping her foot impatiently. Remus looked pointedly at Sirius, who was looking everywhere but at Lily and Remus. Finally, after an awkward silence, he put his hands up.

"Okay, okay!" When Lily looked at him, waiting for an answer, he blinked, then pointed at Peter and said, "It was Wormtail's fault!" Lily rolled her eyes once more before giving Sirius a very unsettling stare. Not surprisingly, Sirius' confidence broke.

"Fine… Prongs had it written all over his notebook. It wasn't very hard to guess what the words 'Bumbling Bowtruckles' could be used for."

"All right. I'll have to talk with him about that." Sirius relaxed, relieved that he wasn't in trouble. But that was before he heard, "Now get out before I tell Professor McGonagall that you invaded my privacy, Black!" Remus stood up, grinning, and left the room, a nervous Peter and sulking Sirius behind him. With a sigh, Lily climbed the stairs to her room, putting her costume in the very back of her closet until the day of the dance…

*

"So what are you going to do about a costume, Sirius?" Remus asked when they had gotten back to the common room. Sirius glanced at him and shrugged.

"Oh, I dunno. I s'pose I'll just throw something together at the last minute like I always do." Remus looked at him pointedly.

"All right, all right. I'll try and think of something…eventually."

"Good."

"So, Moony?"

"What is it now, Padfoot?"

"You're not going to go to the dance as a _werewolf_, are you?" Remus looked at him like he was perhaps the stupidest human being on the planet.

"Of course not, Padfoot. Don't be ridiculous."

"It was just a question…" Sirius said sulkily. Remus sighed and rolled his eyes. After a few minutes he asked, "So have you come up with any ideas for your costume yet?"

"No, not real- Hey, wait a minute! I've got it!" He shouted, interrupting himself. "Yeah… that'll work. I just need some socks…and Peter! Hey, Wormtail!"

"W-what?" asked Peter from his spot on the couch. He didn't like the way Sirius was looking at him. He didn't like it one bit.

"C'mere." Peter scrambled off the couch and came to stand nervously in front of Sirius, who began to circle Peter like a wolf hunting a small mouse. Hey… wait a minute- that sounds kind of familiar…

"Excellent. That'll work quite nicely. Very good, Peter. Come with me up to the dormitory, won't you?"

"O-okay…" Peter said quietly, keeping a cautious eye on Sirius. Remus watched them climb the stairs before he returned to staring into the fire as he tried to think of a costume that he could wear to the dance.

*

Shards of light bounced off the walls, reflecting off the disco ball that hung from the ceiling of the Great Hall. Music blared from the corners of the room, and students thrashed around on the dance floor. And Peter was, well, being Peter, eating a bit of everything on the refreshment table. James stood next to him, drink in one hand, looking around. Lily still hadn't shown up yet, and James was starting to get a bit worried. Did she burn herself with a curling iron? Or poked herself in the eye with her eyeliner? Or worse- was she suddenly ugly?

"Come on, mate. Evans'll be here in a bit. Just enjoy yourself until she does get here."

"But what if she hurt her face, Pads? Her beautiful, radiant, wondrous face?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Prongs. I'm sure her mug is quite all right. Now let's get you out on the dance floor."

"All right, all right. Hey, Pete, save some for everyone else, won't you?" Peter nodded and watched Sirius drag James away by his shirt collar. It wasn't until James was standing in the middle of the dance floor that he noticed Sirius wasn't in costume.

"Hey Pads?"

"Yeah, Prongs"

"Why aren't you dressed as anything?"

"Because. I'm going to unveil my amazing costume later tonight. You know, during the costume contest…."

"Costume contest?"

"Yeah. Costume contest."

"I didn't hear about anything like that."

"Well, you're just not important enough, I guess."

"But I'm Head Boy."

"So? Evans is Head Girl and she's not even- whoah…." Just then, everyone stopped dancing and turned towards the double doors at the entrance to the great hall. There, wearing her purple gown, with face intact, stood Lily. The golden glow of the lights in the entrance hall bounced off her fiery red locks, making her seem like a spirit sent from Heaven. Except no one there believed in Heaven. I mean, come on. They were wizards… and witches… and house elves... oh my!

So anyways, Lily arrived in all her violet-colored glory, and James and Sirius and Remus and Peter and pretty much every other guy in the Great Hall stopped and stared at Lily with their mouths wide open and drool threatening to escape. The girls (except for her bestest friends) glared at her with envy. Lily, throughout all of this, blushed bright red. She looked down at her feet and walked quickly to the back of the room. After a few minutes, everything went back to normal. Well, as normal as things could be at a school for magicians…

However, as James fought his way out of the crowd on the dance floor, he noticed that Peter wasn't stuffing his face any more. In fact, he wasn't there at all. And Sirius had disappeared, too. James pushed on, though and took Lily in his arms.

"I thought you had ruined your face!" he said. Lily pushed him off of her with a glare.

"What are you going on about, Potter?" she asked, brushing imaginary James-germs off her skirts.

"Nothing. And that's Prince Charming to you."

"Well, pardon me."

"Anything for the lovely Princess."

"Just shut up, Potter."

"Shall we dance?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, you want to put on a friendly façade for your fellow students, don't you?"

"I know that's not really your reason, but you're still right."

"I know." James took her hand in his and started walking back towards the mass of students. He didn't make it there, though, because one of the tables was floating in midair, heading towards the center of the room. People ran out from under it and pressed themselves against the walls. The music came to a halt, and the disco ball's lights went out. A couple of girls screeched. But the table floated harmlessly down to the ground, forming a T with the teachers' platform. The disco ball started up again, and Sirius' cocky voice echoed through the room.

"I hope you guys and gals are all enjoying this Halloween Dance, brought to you by your lovely Head Boy and Head Girl, Mr. James Potter and Miss Lily Evans!" The crowd cheered even though they were afraid for their lives just a moment ago.

"And now, without further ado, I present to you, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's Costume contest!!!" The music came back on again, and James leaned over to say in Lily's ear, "He's really got that announcer's voice down pat…" Lily grinned and nodded.

"Anyone who thinks they've got a killer costume, please come on up and Strut. Your. Stuff!" People clapped and cheered, some pushing their friends up onto the platform. After a few minutes of watching cats and monsters and even Cleopatra make their way down the catwalk, James took Lily by the arm and started to walk towards the stage.

"No way in hell, Potter!"

"Oh, come on! Our costumes match! We have no choice _but_ to do it."

"You can't be serious."

"Well, as much as I hate to admit any similarities between myself and that old dog, I am in fact, quite serious. Now come on. Don't be afraid." Lily shot him a glare before consenting.

"I suppose it won't hurt."

"Wonderful." So James helped Lily up onto the platform and they strutted down the runway. After they stepped down, Sirius' voice was heard once more.

"Who wants to see your announcer's costume?" The crowd cheered again. "As you wish!" Sirius stepped onto the stage, covered in… socks? There were four on his hands and feet and four more sticking out of a large protrusion on his back. When Sirius had passed, they could see that protrusion was none other than Peter. Sadly, the extreme difference in height meant that Peter was hanging in midair, sock-covered arms and legs flailing.

"What the hell is he supposed to be?" James asked.

"I believe that he is an octopus," Remus said, dressed as Sherlock Holmes. "He didn't do a very good job, I'm afraid…"

"No, but the crowd loves him."

"All his dreams have come true…" Lily said sarcastically. James laughed and hugged her around the shoulders.

"Get off me, Potter."

"All right, all right. Do you want to hang around and find out who won?" he asked.

"I don't see why we should bother. Sirius will probably just make himself the winner anyway…"

"Well, then, what say you to a stroll in the moonlight?"

"Not a chance."

"Oh, come on. You know you want to…" Lily looked at him blankly.

"So you're a mind reader now, are you?"

"So you _do_ want to!"

"I didn't say that…"

"You might as well have."

"Let's just walk, Potter."

"Gladly."

*

"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the votes for best costume are in! Third place goes to… Cleopatra! Second place goes to… the fellow dressed as a troll! Come on up, you two!" As the people clapped for the runners-up, Sirius looked around. Frowning, he spoke into the microphone once more.

"And last, but most definitely not least… First place goes to… Drum roll please, Pete!" Peter obliged, smacking his hands awkwardly against his legs, which were still suspended in the air by the costume.

"Your winners are… Prince Charming and Cinderella! Give them a hand! Will the winners please step up?" After a minute, when James and Lily hadn't shown, Sirius clapped awkwardly.

"Well, since they couldn't put in an appearance tonight, I guess the winner is me, right?" Some students rolled their eyes and groaned, but most clapped and whooped happily. Sirius took a bow.

"Thank you all for coming. Enjoy the rest of the dance!" He stepped offstage and freed Peter from the costume.

"Thanks for your help, Pete."

"No problem, Padfoot."

"Of course you would make yourself the winner of the whole thing," Remus said dryly.

"Who the bloody hell are you supposed to be? And what's with the funny hat?"

"I'm Sherlock Holmes. Famous detective. Ever hear of him?"

"Nope. Can't say I have. So I believe that since October's over, you owe me a new word of the whimpy."

"That's true. Since you seem to love them so much, how about sock? November's theme can be clothing."

"Sounds excellent. Now let's get out of this place and have some _real_ fun!" Remus smiled and Sirius slapped him on the back. The three of them, like James and Lily, left the Great Hall and disappeared.

**Sorry it's so long and all, but at least it's something. And I'd like you all (in addition to reviewing) to welcome PotatoMuffins' new member, Cupcake! Hope you liked it! ;D**


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